Christmas Gift

I received the best gift for Christmas this year! I have to admit I was totally shocked. I had to gulp down two hot chocolates after I got the news. I thought I was going to pass out. 

My Scans came back with wonderful results. The Brivanib  pills are working! My tumors are stable and haven't grown since my last scan! One tumor in my lymph node has actually died! There is no blood flow to the tumor! This is the best news I could get. My doctor is so happy with these results. 

I will be on the pills for 12 weeks. After that I will be given either a Placebo or continue on the pills. Because it is a trial it's a 50, 50 shot that I could get the Placebo. Booooo! I will know right away by how I am feeling. The reaction happens within 15 minutes after I take the pills. I am a walking zombie.  If I do get the Placebo, I can then go back on the trial. 

I guess I am shocked because funny things happened when we were away last week and the whole time I spent worrying about scan results. I finally was able to relax and enjoy our sunny lovely vacation when a black cat (Paul thinks it was gray) walked across our path. I started with the Hail Mary's right away. Threw in a couple please, please, please, I will do anything god!I guess they do work.

There was also this beautiful statue of a male angel with these beautiful wings holding onto a women. The statue was called the hug. I was mesmerized by it's detail and meaning. I walked down in the morning to look at it. There was something about it that just made me feel calm and safe. 

Wishing everyone a Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas

With love

Michelle 

Let's Talk about Chickens

More than 30 billion animals are killed by the american meat industy each year - in ways that would horrify any compassionate person and that would be illegal if cats or dogs were the victims.

Chicks have their sensitive beaks cut off with out any painkillers. Most small farms have been replaced by massive corporate-run "factory farms" in which chickens, pigs, turkey and cows are treated like machines instead of living feeding individuals.  All the meat and dairy products you get in the supermarket comes from these disgusting over cramped farms. 

Ammonia levels in chicken farms are so high that the corrosive substance burns the birds lungs and skin.  YOU EAT THAT! More than 99 percent to chickens have the E coli bacteria even before they hit the market because of the filthy conditions they are raised in.

Undercover Investigations: Workers at a Pilgrims Pride slaughterhouse(the largest supplier in the US) were documented stomping on live chickens, spray painting their faces and slamming them into walls. Workers at a butterball slaughterhouse were documented punching and stomping on live turkeys and even sexually assaulting them. Watch the undercover video at VegCooking.com

Hens are crammed by the tens of thousands into filthy sheds with five to 11 hens per cage - the cages are so small that the birds can't spread even one wing. 

Chickens are genetically manipulated and dosed with antibiotics to make them grow so large so quickly that they become crippled under their own weight.

Research has proved that chickens are smarter than dogs ,cats and even some primates. In a natural setting a mother hen begins to teach her chicks various calls before they even hatch- she clucks softly to them while sitting on the eggs, and they chirp back to her and to each other from inside their shells. Unfortunately, chickens in the factory farms never met their mothers.

I am tired of people asking me why I choose not to eat meat.  Stop telling me that I don't get enough protein. Do your research. The world is filled with vegetables and nuts that can give you the same amount of protein. Think about what you feed your body with. 

My new T-shirt is going to say,"Save a Chicken, eat a Vegetable!" 

Sleepy Pills, Vaccine & Vampire Tumors!

Fantastic!!

Good.....Great news is that my recent MRI of my sinus cavity came back clean! 

I would also like to say that I believe( & my Dr.) that the tumors have gotten smaller. I know my scans next week will prove this to be true.  The tumors on my head have been killing me. I can't wash my hair without screaming. Doc thinks it may be because the tumors have been denied blood. There like little Vampires! 

My last vaccine shot is on Thursday. It's been 12 weeks. Time fly's!

We have been sitting in the hospital all day. Paul and I did venture out to have lunch right after I took the pills. Great idea Michelle. I almost fell asleep in my Thai veggie bowl.  We watched the movie Hancock and I now realize I should have been born with super powers. 

Blog Shout outs

Elsa you were missed today! Trying to sleep in this hospital is impossible. Praying for some bloody tumor bursting! Hugs

Anna..so glad that your coming home soon. We miss you. Proud of you!

Bandit, Thank you for keeping me up last night by walking on my head every hour. Yes..I understand that you love me, but licking my ear is not going to make me get up at 4am to get you a treat.

Have a great evening. 

Love one very sleepy Vampire

One Year ago

364 days, 21 hours ago

I was waking up at 5am for my surgery. I showered. Ate nothing. I was like a zombie. 

I remember what I wore, the shampoo I used and the long drive into the hospital. I remember the nun that came into pray with me. And the smell of the new slippers in the plastic bag.  I remember the corner I was in, with Paul, just waiting.

I'm awake in tears remembering the morning.  I sat with my dogs as I packed the rest of my hospital clothes, pj's.  I remember looking around my house and feeling so sad. I didn't want to go. It was all too familiar. The check in, the nurse, the waiting. 

While Paul showered, I wrote him a letter. I enclosed a picture and I handed it to him before they took me into the Operating room.  

It really feels like yesterday...minus the morphine.

I can't believe it's been a year.

Gobble, Gobble

                                                          

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful day. I am so thankful to have spent the day with Paul & our family's. I have spent many days very upset about what I am missing out on, why my life has been filled with Dr's appointments and scans. Holding my breathe and sad that I am not living the life I dreamed of. Today I thank myself for doing a wonderful job this past year. I thank myself for being strong, happy, & fighting with a smile. Because even though it totally stinks, I am thankful for the good that I have in my life. and I am blessed in so many other ways.  I may not have my health, but I have love, friendship & family to help me through the miserable times.  

WARNING!! DO NOT READ IF YOU LIKE TURKEY OR WILL BE EATING LEFTOVERS!

Paul and I went to his parents house for a yummy dinner. While I was driving over, I was excited to eat turkey. I know this sounds silly, but I haven't had meat in a very long time.  I planned in my head how I was going to eat it. A little gravy, so mashed potatoes...mmmm cranberry sauce! Oh the drool!!! I was driving through town and watched as a car 2 ahead of me hit a pigeon! Ugh, the feathers just went everywhere and all I could think about was the poor turkey I was  about to eat!   It was worse than my child hood days when my brother use to moo at me when I ate meat. That day forward I was a vegetarian. When we sat down for dinner, my mom piled up some turkey on my plate.  I picked out the pieces myself and asked her to put some back.  I pushed it around my plate for a while ann eventually had a few pieces. I will let Paul gobble up the leftovers. UGH the poor pigeon!

Gobble, Gobble

Michelle

Prancer

It was the first time that I have ever been simply ecstatic to go to the Dr's.   I met my new friend Elsa and her lovely husband. We didn't talk long, but the joy we shared was making people turn and look at us!

On the way in I had a fun experience. We were just coming out of the tunnel when I got a sharp pain in the left side on the bridge of my nose. Followed by a horrible nose bleed. I mean Niagara falls .  I was lucky that my Mom was with me. 

It slowed down for me to get out of the car. Then a huge bloody boogie, clot....egg white came out. It was beyond gross. And the Bleeding continued! 

Now that I have shared way to much information, I will get to the good news. Elsa had shared with me the day before ( and the Dr confirmed this to be very true) that the pills that we are on stop the blood flow to tumors. Without blood they dry up and collapse. This can me painful. There is a man who had tumors in his lungs. After 3 weeks (I am on 2) of being on this drug he began to cough up blood. His scans showed the tumors were shrinking, collapsing!

Here we are smiling, hugging, ecstatic that I had this bloody nose bleed.  There are a few reasons for my nose bleed, but I am hoping this random event is really the pills working. I am putting faith into my daily dose of sleepy, dizzy, thirsty hell.  If it keeps me here, then I will deal with it. 

After my mom and I  headed over to Radio City to see the long legged Rockettes! As I watched them kick there legs up, I realized my dream of becoming one of them was so over. Between the man next to me gasping every time the girls came out in  a different outfit and the snow I  became aware of my mission. I NEED to borrow one of there  reindeer costumes and prance around kicking people!  The costume, skin tight leotard was breathtaking, lot's of glitter.  Oh and the antlers....they lit up! I am adding this to my list of things I must have in life!

Elsa.... Your  beautiful energy was filling the waiting room with your love & strength! 

Hugs,

Prancer, Santa's  Reindeer

Counting sheep & shoes

I think I got the hang of it now!

 I started on 800mg, but I was getting so sick. I took a few days off and after seeing the nurse at MSkcc they decided to drop me down to 600mg.  I was taking it in the morning. Every day at 10:45. Sometimes I went nuts & waited until 10:50!  I would then prepare the couch or bed area with water, phones, computer and puke bucket. After doing this for 5 days I realized it just wasn't working. I also was spending all day sleeping it off (the fantastic pills). 

This is what I thought to myself.  Hello Self (imagine a big fluffy cloud over my head), If these magic pills work, and I am on this for a long time, I need to prepare myself and figure things out. This Self is totally not working!

Now I take them at night, before I go to bed. Perfect timing. I wake up more often, but it's a nice to have a full day to get things done.

They gave me a log sheet. Time, dose and why I missed a dose. That last section is what I call,"Michelle's complaint area".  I list everything that bothers me. They must think I am nuts!

Every Friday I go in for blood work and a check up. This week I get to meet my new friend Elsa, who is doing the same trial! I am so excited!  If you want to check out her blog, just go look under my comments and you will see her name.  Elsa has been through an amazing journey. I commend her on her strength. Hugs to you Elsa!

My 10 minute waking moment is being pulled to my pillow by the pills, so sleepy. I am going back to bed

Off to counting sheep I go.  Ok..truth is they are shoes that jump over that nice picket fence! I am off to counting Jimmy Choo's!!

Peace, Love & warmth (its freezing outside)

Michelle

Memories

Hello Blog friends, 

You know that moment when you get in your car, get to the supermarket and you absolutely forgot why you were there?

This funny ridiculous moment happens way to often for me.  It first started that I would drive & forget where  I was going. Now I get in the car & I  forget which side of the street I am suppose to be on. Honestly, it has happened.  My memory is just not the same. I am queen of sticky notes. Just stop by my house and don't be surprised when you see a post it on all my doors. This is my reminder that the alarm is on. I got tired of  the alarm company calling. 

The point! I started scrap booking my journey down this road ( cliff) in my life. Looking back at the most amazing pictures and really appreciating how far I have come. 

November 30th will be a year that I braved "The BIG" surgery. I can tell you that the past year has been tough.  But, I have the pictures that have captured the good times too.

Thanks for the memories. I hope I remember who you are (just kidding!!)

Peace & love

Keep making memories!

My First Day

Michelle's First Day!

Paul & I just watched 50 first dates. I came prepared knowing that we were going to be here for a while. Movies, games,  computer, books, camera, soft blanket( it has been to Boston, Bahama's ........everywhere I go, made  with love by Kerrin's grandmother) & lunch ( raw of course!).

I had so much of my blood drawn that I realized I could never be a Vampire.  

Paul took the perfect shot of me playing with the medical equipment.

Big Chair Lover!

I don't know why I have this obsession with, " The Big Chair"! 

Update:

Because the staff forgot to give me a pregnancy test (no people I am not pregnant), I have to start the trial on Friday instead of tomorrow.  It's part of the protocol for the clinical trial.

I would like to send a shout out to Dr Buzz Kill..........Great way to start the weekend, Thanks a bunch!!!!!!!

With Love,

Big Chair lover!

Chicken Dog

Welcome Halloweener's

I wanted to share with everyone something that I love about Halloween.

It's not just about costumes and candy( I love that combo!).   Years ago in Mexico I learned about The Day of the Dead,  celebrated in Mexico. The Holiday focuses  on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and relatives who have died. The celebration occurs on the 1st and 2nd of November, in connection with the Catholic holy days of All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day which take place on those days. Traditions include building private altars honoring the deceased, using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed, and visiting graves with these as gifts.

Last year Paul and I were in Cabo San Lucas for this tradition. I was so happy to be there. In our villa I gathered flowers & candles and made an altar with pictures of your family members that have passed on. It was wonderful & made me feel so good to celebrate them.  I know it may sound morbid. But, I think celebrating ones life even after they have passed is a beautiful way to celebrate the time they had with us on earth. I have always felt that I have had these floating angels around me, pushing me along. 

Friday I had testing all day at the hospital. Knowing I had Mri's and other things I couldn't wear a costume...so I wore a headband with glowing  ghosts floating over my head! It made everyone laugh which makes me happy. Then after our 2 hour drive home from the city ( I want a helicopter ,  hint, hint Paul) we went to a fantastic Party near our home. The costumes were great.

On another topic.... ( ugh this again) 

I start my clinical trial on tuesday. I will be in the hospital for hours and I promise to take a ton of pictures to let you follow me down another fun filled journey. 

Today Paul and I took Bandit to the CSH doggie parade. She entered into the best costume contest. She was a fluffy feathered Chicken!! I am a very proud parent to a pooch that loves being paraded about in a chicken costume. 

Guinea Piggie

Today I finished my 6th week of doing my vaccine.  Yippee!  I also decided to go ahead with the clinical trial. I am not really sure yet that  I am doing  the "right" thing. I know I should go into every new treatment believing that it will help.  I have just been disappointed over and over again. I really want to put faith in this new pill.  Instead of packing my pretty bikini's and heading to a lovely island, I will be home in my Uggs trotting into the city to be a guinea pig.   I know what I am really upset & scared about.  If this  trial does work,  I will be on a pill that could shrink my tumors. But, how long will I be on them? And, what happens when my body decides to reject it?  Then what, another drug. This is how I have to live my life?   Maybe it's just time that I realize that I am not a normal 30 year old.  Instead of getting married and having children. I got married and  spend my friday evenings getting Ct scans of my chest in the hospital. Every girls dream.
I feel the tumors getting larger and they are starting to bother me.  I really pray that this works. I really need this pill to work.  So, Paul and I will not being going to the Bahamas. Not right now. I am going to start the clinical trial and see how I feel and see if it works.  Since I have to be at the hospital every week for testing, I can't leave Ny.  As soon as I can I will pack my bags and head to the sunny island for some immune therapy.  I will keep you posted.
Love, Guinea Piggie 

Healing thoughts for Billy

Hi Everyone,

Please take a moment on Monday to send a special healing thought to my Friend Billy who is having surgery. Light a candle or just think of something really lovely. 

I met Billy at Kripalu for a Crazy Sexy Canser Bootcamp. He has become a good friend to me and I know the support we give one another can help get us through these tough times. 

I feel blessed to have met so many wonderful people on this journey. Having a stupid thing like Canser in common is funny. But, It is nice to know that we are not alone. I believe with the help from others and others friends ( you guys), the power of prayer and thought can really help. 

So take moment in your busy day and think really hard about a great guy who has to go through another struggle to live a long life.  Send positive bright energy in a good thought. 

Thanks,

Michelle

Plan C

Happy Fall and Big Chair Festival Time! 

Hello Everyone,

I am getting to know my doctors so well that I know what they are going to say even before they say it. It's that slight pause or leg movement. I decided to just ask the hard questions. Like for instance, instead of asking, "Why do these tumors keep growing?". I say, " So this is going to kill me if I don't get it under control & nothing in this hospital seems to be helping &  this drug you want me to take may or may not work & really I am up shit's creek?" These are my really, really long run on sentences that constantly play over and over in my lumpy tumor head.

I went in today to see Dr. M  who wants me to start on this new pill  called Brivanib ( look it up folks) that may help. It's better than doing a full blown body aching chemotherapy.  Paul is excited because it gives me another option. I am pretending to be excited, oh yippee more drugs.  Let me put it this way, there are 49 side effects. I am not talking your usual slight fever & achy belly. It's a trial, so I would go into the city once a week for 6 weeks and then continue getting tested for another 6 weeks. This is going to be fun.

The one decision that I did make is a good one. Plan A is to continue to do my vaccine and head down to the sunny Bahama's on Sunday the 26th to start an immune therapy that will help get my vaccine to work better. This is my plan. And up until a couple of hours ago I was very happy doing this. Now Plan B consists of me doing my vaccine and starting this Brivanib clinical study drug that may or may not help. 

Anyone have a Plan C  for me? And please let it involve a Vespa (italian motor bike), a cape and Tiara. Thank Gail for that visual.

Peace & Health

Michelle

Blah, Blah, Blah

Hello Fans!

I woke up yesterday thinking I just had 1 more morning, 1 more afternoon, 1 more evening to stay busy before I got the call from Dr. Doom. I got dressed, put on some fluffy black mascara and the phone rang. As the Mascara poured down my face I heard what I already  new.

Both  lymph nodes tested  positive for Spindle cell neoplasm.....Blah, Blah, Blah...CanSer.

What will the future hold? What am I going to do?

Live, Laugh and Fight. I am not sure which treatment direction I will follow, but one thing is for sure...I am going to try them all. 

That 's all the news I have now.

I will keep my Support Rock Stars posted!

Love, Michelle

Hula back to reality

I am angry so I decided to type this in red.

I have the negative feeling in the pit of my stomach. Usually when I am waiting for test results I think positive and can't sit still. I do yoga, shop for shoes (retail therapy), eat everything in sight. For two days I have been enjoying the quiet time, meditating. I just cant stop thinking about what's going to happen next. The truth is I was always scared about surgery, and treatments. Right now I am absolutely petrified. I am realizing that I may not have control of this canSer. I control pretty much everything I do, just not this. I look & feel amazing. I had my "Big" surgery less than a year ago and I think about how far I have come. I am so proud of myself for staying positive, eating right and living it up.  And, just as I am feeling better, getting my life back...I get pushed down again. What I don't understand is , what am I doing wrong? I know it's the question all of us canSer buddies would love to know.  The real question is why, oh why are my white cells sleeping? I need to get a really loud obnoxious alarm clock to wake there lazy butt's up.

I had a wonderful weekend in the Berkshires of Massachusetts. The mountains and colors from the change of season was just breathtaking. I woke up early, did yoga, had great meals and met wonderful friends. I was able to spend some great alone time with my sister in law. We drove up friday to Kripalu to meet up with a group of about 60 other amazing people dealing with or supporting someone with Canser. We healed one another, shared stories, cried, laughed and Hula Hooped!

I felt supported and understood. My scars were excepted here. I found my "People". To be very honest I felt blessed. Seeing some struggle with the effects of chemo, another surgery, etc.....I was happy that I moved passed it. 

But, now I wait. And I do know what  Dr  Tumor is going to say.  And I am not sure if I really want to hear it. Because all I heard him saying as he demonstrated the surgery he was preparing me for next was..." YOUR NEVER, Ever going to have children!"

So Now I am sitting  here Doe eyed waiting for the phone to ring. The problem is they are not suppose to call until tomorrow.  

I think I will Hula my fears away!

My Crazy Sexy CanSer Cowgirl-Boy Group!

ITL Clinic

Hi Everyone... I really wanted to share this amazing place with everyone I know. Two months ago I had a tumor (sarcoma) removed from my head and I had it mailed down to a clinic for them to make me a Vaccine. There are a few ways to make vaccines..urine, blood, tumors. As much as I hated having another tumor, I was happy to give it a new home. Sending it to the clinic was the best thing I have ever done. I had a follow up with my Dr's at Sloane (sarcoma specialist) and Radiologist about there thoughts. The plan was to do more radiation on my head, lymph nodes and neck. More Radiation, I don't think so Doc. I asked my Doctor a simple question...what can this Hospital offer me besides more Radiation & Surgery. His Answer, "Nothing" That made my decision even easier . We were heading to the Bahamas. So, three weeks ago Paul and I went down to meet Dr. Clement and discuss the game plan. Using my tumor they were able to make a vaccine from the antigens in my body. Twice a week I would be giving myself these injections into my groin, stomach and arm. This routine would continue for 12 weeks. These injections are to get my white cells to recognize cancer cells and kill the suckers. There are no side affects to this vaccine. We heard the most amazing stories from other patients and could hear the gratitude that they had to this clinic. The Dr's and staff were amazing. I felt so comfortable & thrilled about my decision. Everyone is different. Give a call down there...tell them your story and see how they can help. Here is all the information. Please pass it along. ITL Clinic Grand Bahama Island Dr Clement phone 1(242) 352-7455

Turning Orange

I finished my second week of injections! 10 more weeks to go. It's not has bad as I thought it was going to be. Beats more radiation. 

I have been making my Mondays & Thursdays...me days. I do my injections and then high tail it to Glen Cove to do a Vitamin C treatment. Hopefully I won't turn into an Orange! It will help keep my immune system strong. It only takes a little over an hour. There are a ton of people in and out doing various natural treatments. It's a nice break from conventional medicine.

Paul & I met some wonderful people in the Bahama's.  I am so happy that we went.  I have a check up next month and a couple of tests. 

Right now I am enjoying the Fall weather....if you know me this is a total lie. The only thing I enjoy are my new  boots .......other than that I despise chilly days. I miss the Sunshine!

Enjoy the pictures from the Bahama's!

Love 

Bahama Chilly Mama

Bahama Momma

Hello from the Bahama's,

Paul & I hopped in a cab this morning and headed over to the I.T.L. clinic to start my first day of immune therapy. We waited around for a while and chatted with a few patients that are receiving treatments as well. Paul noticed how happy & healthy everyone looked.
A nice guy named Gareth was there with his Mom and spoke to us about his journey outside the Hospital world. Gareth came to Freeport in November to get help, he is from South Africa. He couldn't walk, was 40 pounds lighter & looked very ill. Gareth was the picture of health as he stood in front of us and shared his story. It was absolutely encouraging.

Our meeting with Dr. Clement was wonderful & made me feel so comfortable. He spoke with us in detail about my Vaccine. The whole time I was nervously waiting for "The shots!" I finally blurted out...O.k. great, can we get the shots out of the way! He brought out frozen viles filled with my Magic Potion. I lied down and he showed me...yes on me...how to give the injections in my groin. WAIT!!!! Let me think about this for a second. Can't I just drink it...save the needles for someone else?
It didn't hurt...I just can't watch. My reaction to this is the same every time. I see the needle....I cry, I cry & cry & cry. And then after 30 seconds (a lifetime) it's over and I didn't feel a thing.

I then dried my eyes and Paul & I headed down the hall to start my first Vitamin C IV. I was happy doing this because I know it will help boost my immune system. Then I realized I was about to get another needle, Niagara Falls. Shaking my leg and gripping my shirt, I cringed until it was in. An hour later I was out the door, drying my tears and patting myself of the back.

The countdown begins :
40 more shots, 12 weeks to go

Tomorrow my lovely husband and I are going to plop down on the beach and blend in with 20 other couples, newly married.

Lot's of love,
Bahama Momma Michelle

Brilliant Doc

Good Afternoon,

I hope everyone is enjoying the last sunny days of the summer. Vitamin D, soak up as much as you can.

I got some  news on my PET scan that I had last thursday. Good news is that the bottom half (neck down) of my body is clear off all cancer. Yippee. Unfortunately my brilliant ( yeah right) Doctors have not come to a conclusion  why my lymph node by my ear is the size of a gum ball. He (brilliant Doc) said it could be a few reasons. One is that the lymph is collecting white cells or cancer cells from the past surgery, an infection. Or...this is the best one...... It's a malignant tumor that they can't detect unless it grows or they do a needle biopsy. The plan is to do another PET scan in 3 weeks to compare it to last weeks scan.  

They  are pushing, telling, begging, asking  me to do radiation on my head, lymph nodes and neck. I am totally not into this. If it's not a tumor I would rather not do treatment and try another route.

Paul and I are heading down to the Bahamas on  Sunday to get started on the vaccine. I had sent a piece of my tumor there after my last surgery. Here is the link if anyone wants to take a look at it. It's not a cure, but should get my white cells moving.

www.immunemedicine.com

If you know anyone who wants to try a more natural approach, send this link on. 

Have a great day

Michelle

VIP ONLY!

Hello Friends,

Filling you in on the latest news.

I have a little bump that's lingering near my ear.  Even though I just had surgery...it's gotten bigger. It's in a slightly different area then usual. Funny little things, they are just popping up anywhere they please. I get a PET scan on the 4th and my lovely eye tube out on the 5th. Doc said wait 3 months and we can pop that thing out, no more tears! It will be 3 months and 1 day. It's totally annoying me. 

The PET scan is really important. It's going to show if this horrible sarcoma crap has spread. This little bump is in a good spot to take out. But, that means more surgery, more scars. I am getting to know the anesthesiologist too well. I don't even get the countdown anymore. They just knock me out!

With that in mind, I am really happy to say that I have been thinking outside the box......that's the Dr's little chemo-radiation grossness box. I had a piece (it was in my fridge) of my tumor that was removed 2 weeks ago  & Paul sent to a clinic in the Bahama's. It's a process I am not typing out but, I will post the link. so you can check it out. Basically they made a vaccine that hopefully will be able to help me. Cross your fingers & toes! 

Paul and I will be heading down to Freeport in 2 weeks to check it out. I will learn how to do my own injections of this vaccine. It's a process that will be my ritual for 12 weeks.... yes I will have a countdown. This is not a cure, it's to help get my white cells working. Faking  them out, getting them to fight those nasty cancer cells that are having there own little VIP  party in my head. 

I think I am in for another bumpy (get it!) road. But, I feel so strong & feel in my heart that between the vaccine & other amazing things that have floated my way...I will get through this. Again!

Love, Michelle

Here we go again

What's next?

I t seems like I am doing this all over again.  I found a bump, Doc looks surprised, it's removed and Wow,  it's a Sarcoma.  

Doc found not just one, but 3 tumors. 2 were like miniature ones ready to unpack there bags. Don't get too comfy little tumors. He removed them and did a biopsy on the area before closing me up. Making sure he got good margins around the tumors. I have a gorgeous 5 inch scar down the side of my head with beautiful shiny staples.  It was a bigger surgery than I thought....Doc thought too. I am glad that I had them out....I am just so sore & achy. I wasn't up for it. I was having such a nice summer & this just bummed me out. 

Thank goodness I got my hair highlighted! Imagine the roots I would have! 

Paul is taking good care of me & I am trying to get some good rest. 

Thanks for the emails and love sent my way.

Love Michelle

To Blog or Not to Blog

Should I blog? 

I have been looking at my computer wanting to write something for days now. I realized that some of my friendships are like mini-marriages. I didn't walk down the aisle with any of you..except Paul. But, you don't just get to share the birthdays, Ferragamo bags with me.....you get the bad, sad stuff too.  For better or worse, in sickness and in Health. So with that in mind here goes another bump in the road.  No, I mean it.....we have another bump. With all the support I get from my friends and Family, I needed to share every detail of my life, my journey. 

July 31st I jumped on a small plane and headed to Oklahoma to surprise and celebrate Jessica's 30th Birthday.  2 days earlier a made a decision to make a Dr's  appointment a little earlier. A check up for yet another Bump.  I felt it getting bigger and I am not sure if I wanted to really find out what it was. My dermatologist made me feel better when she said not to worry about it. But,  that's when I felt the knife go through my chest and I knew I couldn't ignore it any longer.  I knew something was wrong.

August 5th 

9 am we drove quietly into the city to visit the Doc.  A radiologist thinks it looks like a tumor.  My Doc thinks it looks like a tumor. I plopped  down  on the paper lined table and the Doc took a sample (ugh needles)  of the bump. Biopsy results should be in a few days. I looked up at him and said ," Funny the last time I was in this room you had the same puzzled look on your face". 

Friday came and went and no one called. I take it as a sign....not sure what sign that is, but  a sign. Bad news they call you a.s.a.p.  Or maybe he just didn't want to ruin my weekend. 

Good news...I am getting the sucker out.  Next friday I will go in to the OR at Sloan and Doc will remove a beautiful Tumor ( maybe a not a tumor). The surgery will be 90 minutes and a lovely gown will be given. I am just a sucker for those hospital socks. I love that they have floor grippies on both sides. 

Have a great weekend...I feel so  much better getting that off my chest.

Love,

 Michelle

P.s. Anyone want Hospital Socks...put your order in. Only Blue in stock.

My Next Thirty Years

My Next Thirty Years

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun

Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done

Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears

And I'll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores

Cry a little less, laugh a little more

Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear

Figure out just what I'm doing here

In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, Im gonna watch my weight

Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers

Maybe Ill remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life

Raise a little family and hang out with my wife

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

Make up for lost time here ,In my next thirty years

In my next thirty years

Anniversary

At Midnight last night my 3oth Birthday Extravaganza turned into a Wedding Celebration. I was surrounded by my 3 awesome brothers, wonderful friends & My Love, Paul.  Today was our 5 year Anniversary.  Anniversary 1-4 years was celebrated pretty much the same.... fancy restaurant, fabulous dress, Up-do ( that's prom hair if anyone is confused) and of course champagne. 

Anniversary #5 : Sleeping, Hot tub,  Boat,  Sleeping, Takeout, Sleep.

The best Day.

For Paul,

I love you for all the strength that you have given me. For laughing and crying with me, for playing scrabble even under protest, for dealing with my not putting caps on things & yelling at me  for never watering the plants. Your not just my Husband...Your my best friend, my Lobster. 

Thank you for saying I love you...every single day. 

Love Your Wife (Lobster)

Michelle

Billy Joel & 30

Hello Blog followers,

I am officially 30 years old and starting it off right. I had a great birthday, brunch with Mom & a fantastic boat trip to Connecticut for Dinner. Don't worry I changed on the boat into an adorable dress & sandals. 

Last night 8 of us limo-ed it to Shea  Stadium, home of the Mets  to see Billy Joel. And even though my throat is sore from yelling   & the gentle men behind me was furious that I wouldn't sit down  ( who sits at a concert?) ..........It was an awesome concert.

I learned a fabulous new game called Liar's Poker & would like to send out a sincere thank you to PETE for the hundred dollars that I collected from him! 

For all of you that say ,"Thirty is the new 20". Yeah, not even close.  I think most people ( like myself ) are happy that our immature, unpredictable twenty's are over.  I think we got away with more.  Having a friend hold our hair back on  a Saturday night bingefest is no big deal....Your in your 20's....it's exceptable. Your living it up, your still able to chill with the spring breakers. When some one asks your age... "I'm  29" , because that 2 in the front just changes everything. You can still party and get away with it.  At 30 you have to turn the class button up a notch. So, I flipped the switch and  now I will be waking up every morning waiting for  the arm jiggle and leg cellulite.

Don't get me wrong...you may still see me under a block of ice waiting for my chilled  shot of patron to poor down...but I most likely will be in bed by 10!

Special Hugs and love to Eric & Cindy in Boston.....Hope your feeling better Eric!

Love,

Jigg-a-little

Birthday Wishes

Yesterday My family celebrated my Aunt Diane's 49th Birthday! She has been talking about it for months and when yesterday arrived I think she was in complete shock that it was finally here. The enthusiasm in opening her gifts was classic. The perfect present consists of 3 things..Lottery scratch offs, Paper ( she prefers a not pad to write on) and last but not least a yummy Kit Kat Bar!

Now I am approaching my 30th  birthday , July 13th at 9:15 pm...my mom will happily go over birthing details with me.. & Yes I guess I am  as excited as Diane. My 20's are over & even though I have many wonderful memories...I am glad that they are over. I am moving on from some sad moments that I wish I didn't have to go through, glad that I got through it and praying I never have to do it again.  I do have 2 beautiful face lifts on my side...I look like I have been botox-ed and ironed out..No wrinkles! 

Today was a perfect day...the  warm summer breeze felt awesome as I was fishing off the side of our Boat ( technically it's my boat since Paul named it after me...The Sea Nag). I started to cry......feeling a rush of happiness that I can not describe. When Paul asked me what was wrong I simply told him that I was Happy....something I haven't felt in a very long time.  My strength was tested &  I am here celebrating a milestone in my life. My health,  my 3oth  Birthday and 5 years married to a strong, loving man.  

Sometimes we have to go through really tough times to appreciate the good things in life that we already have....Family, Friends and of course Great Shoes!!! I couldn't leave out my true love!

Wish me a wonderful Birthday and I'm an 8 1/2 in heels!

Love,

Shoe-love-a-lot

Update on Eyebrow!

Eyebrow Followers..

I am happy to report that 2..not 1......2 blonde lovely, darling hairs have been spotted on my right eyebrow area! How exciting!

I will update you as more sprout! 

There is hope after all!

Love,

Brow-licous!

FootPrints in the Sand

With all that I have been through, I have to give myself a little credit. I never, not once lost my sense of humor. Many times it took all the energy I had to crack a smile. But, I continued to not show my sadness or burden others with my loneliness. 

I had a great day yesterday. I walked my cute butt around N.y. with a million other people and smiled. I skipped into my Dr's office yapping away with the staff when I heard my name called. "Michelle..is that you? I can hear you laughing down the hall!". And with that my nerves calmed and I became aware of my recovery.  Seven months ago  I slouched out crying. Today I am skipping! I continued on with my day, the skipping stopped after a skip.  Checking in at the desk for my MRI I met a lovely young lady. In between laughing & waiting for the test ( in my pretty blue hospital dress) she brought me a poem.  She spoke about her mother in law who had a brain tumor. We talked about how we feel..... like we are alone, no one understands or can say I know how you feel..and actually know.  

This is the poem she left with me.  And as I sat waiting for my name to be called I read it. Reminding me of all my angels who have carried me around...even during my pizza & ice cream marathon! Sorry for the extra couple pounds.

FootPrints in the Sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:one belonging to him, and the other to the lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there were only one set of footprints. he also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Enjoy every breathe,

Skippy

View's from above

Hello Friends & Loved Ones,

I haven't blogged in  while. Up until about 10 minutes ago I have felt wonderful. I took a little over a week off from my usual to heal from the port "torture" removal.   I thought I would be psyched to have that plastic thing out of me....instead I have felt very sad. It's silly because I am really happy that that chapter is over and I am moving forward. On the other hand, all I have known for the past year is treatments, stomach turning scans and feeling sorry for myself.  Even now as I am typing my heart is breaking at the stress it will endure after my Mri tomorrow. The waiting game....how's my Brain Doc??? 

Everyone send some positive thoughts and love my way! 

Love Michelle

Hospital + Port Removal = Ice Cream & Percacet

Good Evening

I wanted it out the minute they put it in. I hated having this foreign plastic port in my chest. They ( Dr's, Nurses, Fellow port friends) said it's the best thing to have for chemotherapy, save your pretty veins. So I did it (under protest) & today was the day to remove it!

I got up early , got my nails done and bought a pretty dress. Stress before  Surgery equals fancy things for Michelle to feel better. This pink-nail-cute-dress  thing to calm my nerves lasted 5 minutes. 

The nurses & Dr was great except they said one thing that I will never forget..."Oh you don't need to be knocked out, you won't feel a thing.  How about a Xanax and a fun numbing shot". Please, Please.......I was begging..Knock my Butt out! 

The Xanax was a joke, Numbing the area never worked and it hurt like hell!  Ladies you will understand this.... It was kind of like walking into a bar looking totally gorgeous and  just as your about to order a delicious Cosmo your friends 3 inch heel steps right onto your freshly manicured toe!  Got it...felt fantastic. 

From the mouth of Paul... I have been De-ported!

Hi Guys & Gals,

I feel like it was yesterday that I was preparing for surgery. The second time around you do things a little different. I didn't pack a make up bag (I don't know what I was thinking!), I lived it up and got a Suite with a fridge, private bathroom..My own nurse ( this is Key!).  Most importantly I hired  Milvy to take care of me when I got home. She was the best. She fed, showered and most of all encouraged me to get out of bed.  Milvy was my saving grace. If your going to have a big operation, get someone to help. I would loose it if my Mother even asked me if I wanted the sandwich she just made for me. Milvy asked...It was the best Sandwich in the world.  Family is wonderful, but they are bugging out as much as we are. 

My Mom took this picture of me right after my surgery. I always post happy pictures...and Yes I am happy in this ( the Drugs made me very Happy), but this is the reality of it.  I have to remind myself that I am a Strong young women with a fantastic future ahead of me.  I look at this picture and " Love" that I can say that I'm Cancer Free! 

Enjoy the Sunshine!

P.s. The tube is in! Yes, it was very uncomfortable..but hopefully in 3 months I will be Tear free!

Hanky Free

Two months today I walked out of MGH so proud that I finished my last treatment.  I am now slowly feeling back to normal  & as I say Fixing up the place. 

I am finally having my tear-duct fixed tomorrow. Simple procedure to make my eye's stop flowing  over with water. I walk around with a tissue (up the sleeve like Nana). I usually get asked two questions.

1. Are you crying? It can't be that bad..you'll get through it" This usually is asked as the mascara is melting down the  right side of my face into one of my pretty pink hanky's.

 

2. Bad allergies huh? I know mine are killing me, the pollen is just everywhere, on the car, my eyes, in the house...horrible this year, just horrible. I dust, it comes back...... blah, blah blah.

This is what I hear for 15 minutes until I just say Yes...Allergies!

I can finally put the hanky away!

"See" you around,

Water-works

The results are In......

Some things you don't forget

February 20th 2008

Radiation begins

February 28th

Chemotherapy

May 28th 2008

My cell phone rang. I looked at it and couldn't answer it. It was the hospital calling me about the results of my  Pet scan. I couldn't answer it.  I looked at Paul and just couldn't imagine us going through any more of this.  How would I tell my family, what would I do next..more... chemo & what about my life...I want a family, children. I just couldn't answer it & I didn't. 

We had the top down driving to a Ct scan  & I just wanted to stay happy.  I couldn't breathe. It was a moment that I wasn't going to let cancer steal from me. I was enjoying a beautiful day with my husband.  Then the phone beeped....a message. The message she left was clear......My scan was fine. My body was clear of any horrible cancer cells, nothing was lighting up.

I went through  Surgery,Radiation, Chemotherapy...complete and utter sickness to get to this point....to say that I am Cancer Free!

Time to Celebrate, time to breathe

Barbie

I plastered " The Eyebrow" on, glossed up with Barbie hot pink lip stick and Rocked out with Bono! It was a friends birthday & was the closest to rockin that I am going to get. 

Rock on,

Barbie

Plastic

A Friend sent me this email and I wanted to share it with everyone. Something to change & stay aware of. Things are so much different now than 20 years ago, but we should still consider what these changes are doing to our environment and body's. Check out the link.... I have been searching the internet for BPA-free plastics. Here is a basic  website that gives the names of brands that have bpa chemicals in them. I  already threw out my plastics that are on this list in red.  http://www.checnet.org/healtheHouse/pdf/plasticchart.pdf Rubbermaid website http://www.rubbermaid.com/rubbermaid/bpa-info.jhtmlnobpa Health concerns about BPA relate to its ability to mimic the hormone estrogen.  During such "endocrine disruption," chemicals can interfere with or mimic the  action of hormones, in ways that can upset normal development. Hundreds of  studies published over the past decade suggest a connection between exposure to  BPA at levels typical in the U.S. and increased rates of breast and prostate  cancer, reproductive abnormalities, and—for infants exposed in the womb—problems  such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, obesity, and diabetes.

Rasberry Yummm Water

Light me up!

Journal Entry 10:30 am

Mmmm Raspberry! I just got my injection, I still hate needles.  Now I hang around for a hour and down this cool-aid concoction  that has a lovely paste-like after taste. 

I asked the nurse to take a picture of me for my blog. Her face froze & then told me she had to make a phone call to see if it was o.k....what???! I made the nice nurse take it.

I have this great picture of my Aunt Mary Anne that I have carried around with me to every treatment & scan. She was my support, my team mate throughout this journey. Just talking with her helped, she understood what I was going through. It's days like these that I miss her so much.

This stuff is delicious, I am almost done. I am actually excited to get this scan. I feel so positive & healthy. I am very curious to check in and see how my beautiful organs are doing.

My day is filled with memories of my Aunt. I know she is watching over me, giving me strength.

One scan  down.....2 more to go!

300 Units left. Bottoms Up!