Monday, August 30, 2010

Silence is perfect

I can't stop giggling at my last post. I was on way too many pain killers to be blogging. I will not delete or change it, I find it funny.

It's been over 2 weeks since surgery. Boy, did that one hurt.  I am finally feeling better.  I saw my surgeon last Thursday and had my stitches removed. I told him that I have a headache that's been constant since the surgery. He was puzzled. He put me on celebrex to help with any inflammation. It's been four days and the pain is still happily bouncing in my head.  I hate popping pain killers every time I have pain. I want to just push through it, because eventually I feel better. But, this time I have no relief. I wake up and it's just lingering, waiting to get worse. They switched meds today and hopefully it will get better.
Moving forward. I see Dr. Doom on Friday. Wondering what he's going to try to plan for me. I am all ears, but difficult to convince. I am petrified. I just want this to be over.
This surgery scared me. I know in the pit of my stomach that I need to do something. I just feel like  not moving, not breathing...just being still. Maybe it will all just go away. I wish it was that easy.

About my feelings....
I started my  meditation today.  I sat outside on my Yoga mat and just started to breathe all the good air back into my lungs.. It does help to be still. I need some help to clear my mind. I am constantly going. I am getting back to that place where I can not relax. I hate that feeling. I enjoy being quiet. I enjoy being alone, within the walls of my home. I find it so peaceful at times.
There are so many things going on around me. I need to stay focused. I am having such a hard time right now. I end up focusing on everyone else's issues...and not my own. It really was great to have the phones unplugged and my home silent. I need to start doing that more. Once I open my computer or turn on my cell phone my life gets complicated. It's like other peoples crap, jealousies, insecurities, drama, issues, and bullshit just fill all the good air  that I have around me. I decided to wash my hands and thoughts of  this nonsense. I need to get back and stay grounded to my true self.  I want to start dancing again this week. My goal is to do more yoga  and find some peace. Then I can turn the phones back on and deal with life. I don't have to do anything.....I have to get better. I have to and I need to.
From now until...We'll when I decide....I am silent. I am going to give myself the time to think. Time to heal and time to enjoy my private, quiet moments alone. Maybe my headaches will go away. 

Big Hugs and Shhhh :)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My Lucky Helmet

The surgery was the total opposite of what I and Doc planned. I got a phone call on Thursday after my scan  that the radiation disc had a leak and will not be used. I was really looking forward to trying something new. Even though I haven't had a reassurance in any of the areas they have removed tumor from, I  was worry about cell transfer. Transfer from instruments  that has happened to me in the past. The disc was an extra comfort to me. I was going to put it off surgery this past Friday  and change the date.  I wanted to use the Radiation Plaque. My scan on Thursday  didn't even show signs of growth.  I realized it's  better to get it out now. Not to wait for any kind of damage that would make it harder in the future.

Surgery was a success. Dr. B patched the Dura and reconstructed my scull with synthetic plaster. Because, we mapped my scull out with MRI from the night before he was able to use an incision I already have. That was great. No "U" shaped scars!! I wasn't happy about that. I know I don't have too many choices, but happy that it was done this way. And, I still have all my hair. They wrapped it tight with a Turban Bandage. I call it my Helmet! Everything was all snug underneath. Quite cozy.

I came out of surgery not feeling that great. The Anesthesia really wiped me out. I was so sick. The nurse called it, "Violently retching!"  Lol!  It did get bad. I had to hold my head because I thought it was going to open my incision.  After they pumped me with every drub possible I had a feeling of the shakes and panicky. They gave me a anxiety pill that let me sleep for a whopping 2 hours. Then I sat laying with lights in my eyes, finger pricking and urge to puke.  I never slept a wink.

Saturday, I was transferred out of the PAC Unit and onto the Nuero floor for observation. My screaming roommate provided me with no sleep. After her 20th HELP call , I begged the nurse to please check her. They got her Dr's in that did something right, she slept. Not me though!  One nurse was so sweet enough to spill water on her. That's when I paged my doc and asked him to move me. It's horrible when you can't sleep and a restless roommate doesn't help my sanity. Worst part is that I know exactly how that lady Emily felt. I was there and it's not fun.

Last night I slept like a baby. Got off the Dilauded and heavy pain medicine. Pretty catheter came out. Yeah pee time!  They took out 3 of my four IVs. My arms and wrists look awful, I can't bend them just yet. They let me eat and walk a little bit. I even did stairs, big accomplishment. Don't ask me how...I was a total mess! I just needed to get off that nutcase floor.

Paul and I had a romantic Percocet-comatose dinner last night. Nothing says I love you more!
I am feeling ...ok. Tired, sore and cranky. I got my lucky helmet off, and that was a funky mess of blood and nastiness. All the  lovely bruising is coming to the surface. It's when everything hurts the most. Wait...scratch that...Friday hurt the most. Saturday was complete torture! Today I am sleeping!

Peace and Sleep