Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I wasn't going to write on my blog. I decided that I should because I need some support and love from my friends in my blogger world. I also wanted to check up on all of you. I realized that I'm allowed to complain. I need to complain and I don't care. I think everyone gets tired of hearing about it. My problem is that it's been going on for way too long. I have little to talk about. Here's my update, my complaint. I'm in the city all week trying a clinical trial. They accepted me in on Monday and I have to be here everyday at different times. I can commute the hour train ride back and forth everyday from home. After this week, I'm doing that. I'm lucky enough that my brother in law has an apartment that I can stay in. I'm grateful for their support and help. It's blocks from the clinic. It's perfect. Problem....I'm totally uncomfortable. I know it's only been 3 days. It's just not home. It's not my bed and I can't fall asleep. Every night it's 2-3 am. I want to go to the beach. I want, I want. That's all I think in my head. I want to go home. I want to be happy & healthy. I want to not feel depressed and angry. I'm very angry. I'm angry at not making my own decisions. I want to have surgery to fix my head and my back and my liver! It's my body and I'm in pain. All day! I barely eat. I just haven't food shopped. I'm so embarrassed by my looks, I don't want to go out. Take note....it's 3:07. I just had tomato soup and half of an almost rotten avocado. Great midnight snack! Actually, it was yummy. I feel sick though. I'm waiting for my pain patches to kick in so I can sleep. I'm scared to take sleeping pills when I'm alone. Even the pain meds make me so wacky. I can't stop crying. My eyes are two big puffs. I lost my hat and can't hide under it. I feel like everyone is glaring at me. My wig is hot and itchy. I'm just not a happy girl right now. My birthday is this Friday the 13th. All I want is to curl up in my bed, cry and sleep. That's it. No balloons, cake or big deal. This is coming from a girl who loved her birthday. I'm miserable Michelle. Just went through twenty tissues. Now I'm tired. Goodnight.