Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Glitter In The Air
By P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’ sonly half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, The walk before the run
The breather before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled the rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniverary

 Seven Years ago 
July 19th 2003

Today was the best day ever! We went to the beach, ran around in the ocean and relaxed. Had a great dinner and enjoyed each others company. It was cute...we sat next to one another at the table. It was booth...so it wasn't that weird!

My sis-in-law said it...we have a ton to celebrate.
Paul has been a strong loving husband to me. His compassion and strength is truly amazing.  I love him so much and  I couldn't imagine my world without him.  Paul has been by my side from the beginning. He never complains about anything..scratch that...he's mad because he tripped over the vacuum cord that I left out and twisted his ankle...BE HAPPY I VACUUM!

We met in 2001...He had on an orange hat. We dated...went to Vegas a few months later. I dared him to marry me in an Elvis Chapel...He wimped out. We got back home and then I moved in. That's the quick version.
A few years into our relationship I had my first brain surgery. He held my hand 8 years ago .... Married me...and continues to take care of me. His patience is unbelievable...really it is! I am not the perfect patient!
I know I do so much for him too...and that is why we balance each other out so nicely. I have put up with years of snoring...and I finally found the perfect ear plugs!
You have my heart... I love you Paul.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Quick Blog Update

Thank you everyone for the Birthday wishes.

It was tough this year to celebrate. I love Birthdays...and for some reason I lost total love for my own.  What am I celebrating this year? I know that there are many things..good things. But, the weight of another sugery has clouded my head.

Let's move away from the Birthday Party..and step into the Anniversary.
Tomorrow (in One minute ) is my 7 year Wedding Anniversary! I can't believe that it flew by so fast. I'll post some great pictures tomrrow and blog more.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Great Fall, Boobie Milk and Surgery

My Fall down the stairs...or off the stairs ....is now called MY FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT! I still have no idea how I ended up backwards.  I am adding humor to it, because my back is killing me and I need to move on from the pain and humiliation.  Call the house if you would like to hear Paul's version of me screaming! 
Doctors visit was better than I thought. Past scans showed the cancer growing in this spot for sometime. It just wasn't ever big enough to pick up. Good news is that it's slow growing in this area. Dr's couldn't give me a reason to why it's there. They never really can. Silly Cancer likes hanging out in my head. The surgery will not be as invasive as we thought. My Surgeon (Brain Guy) and Radiologist (New Dude) will try something different. They will remove the Cancer from my scull and  Dura ( gooey part around the Brain). Patch it all up.....clean what they can and then...This is great....Radiate me! New Doc will put a small radiation disc in the area where the cancer was to kill microscopic cells for 20 minutes. They will remove it and stitch me back up. It's like a double whammy surgery. 

Mom....I lied this morning to you. I told you I ate breakfast. I know how worried you get about me taking care of myself. I can't eat today. Yesterday, I could of eaten my entire fridge. Condiments and all.  I'm juicing...so technically I am just eating liquid veggies. I promise to eat lunch...I know it's too hot to not eat. 
I am feeling it a little harder today. It's now a reality. Cancer stinks. 

I am waiting to hear back from the Nurse to schedule the surgery for August. Brain Doc said 4-5 weeks. I said, " No, how's 6-8 weeks?" Paul just shook his head. It's  slow growing..and I have a tan to keep up! I  always cancel things and shift my life around for surgery. It can wait an extra week. 

Sis..Nance..I left a message too. Hoping they get back to one of us.My sis-in -law has been doing research  (awesome cancer sidekick family member!) on the positive affects of Breast Milk. Has anyone done any research on this? I need feedback. Calling a place in Sweden that she found. 
Check it our Cancer fighters!


Word of the Day
The dura mater (pronounced /ˈdjʊərə ˈmeɪtər/), or dura, is the outermost of the three layers of the meninges surrounding the brainand spinal cord. The other two meningeal layers are the pia mater and the arachnoid mater. The dura surrounds the brain and the spinal cord and is responsible for keeping in the cerebrospinal fluid. The name "dura mater" is derived from the Latin "hard mother",[1] and is also referred to by the term "pachymeninx" (plural "pachymeninges").[2] The dura has been described as "tough and inflexible" and "leather-like".[2]

Big Hugs for Elsa...Thinking about you. We are strong fighters! Love you

Monday, July 5, 2010

Weekend Results

Not letting crummy news completely ruin my weekend, I packed my friend Diane's car and headed out to OUR beach house out east. It's technically Sarah's house, but Diane and I tell everyone it's ours. I do have my own room key now...#7...so it's kinda mine too! The girls hung with the kids for a few days while we waited for our prince charmings to finish up the work week and rescue us. We just needed help with the beach chairs...and to bring us lunch.

It was a nice weekend, spent with great friends who helped me get through the shock process. Spent sometime with Paul's family out in Montauk on Sunday and then headed home to lounge on the Boat.

While we were getting the doggies squared away...I fell.  Yes folks..I did a backwards dive off a 4 foot wall in the front of my house onto my back. Don't ask me how it happened. Paul is still trying to figure out how I was able to do it. I was running down the stairs and just slipped...my feet were moving faster than my brain! 
Let me first tell you about the pain that ran up my back and butt..and then the burning of my legs, arms and back. I fell onto a 110 degrees driveway and seriously couldn't put my hands down to lift myself, it was so scorching. Like I said...Paul is still trying to figure this one out! He spent the rest of the day watching me very closely....telling me to be careful! 

We made it onto the boat and watched a wonderful firework show out on the water. It was one of the best. The refection of color off the water was spectacular. I felt my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. It was the perfect end to the weekend. 

Birthday countdown: 8 more days! 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Let me ruin your holiday weekend!

News came as a big shock on Tuesday. I prepare for bad and good news. Really I did. I was in the shower washing my hair and actually played out getting the great news and clean pretty scans. Then I went over the shock reaction of the bad news. Followed by me saying no no no no no ..no. Things are going to be good.
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.

Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.

I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.

July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.

I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my august..my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.

I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.

But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!

Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the weekend....my birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.

Hugs & peace