Monday, May 23, 2011

Shame on me

I am still fighting this never ending battle with cancer.

I went into Mskcc with my dad to get the results from my last Mri. My brain looks great. There is one area in my face/neck that the doctors are concerned about. An enlarged nerve with tumor.

When I heard Dr B. suggest radiation I panicked. I could not imagine going through another treatment. The first time was awful. The second was painful,awful and depressing. One more time?
It reminds me of that saying...first time shame on you, the second time shame on me...the third time is just ridiculous. I made the last part up.

Why not take the chance....and just live.

I have the memories of my beautiful friends that keep me fighting. I find it amazing that they are gone from earth...but they are the ones that know me the best and gave me the most support. They lived the most, fought the hardest and took nothing for granted. Even now, they keep me going. I live for them.

Tomorrow I will see my radiologist here on long island. Where oh where will I end up? Boston? Long island? Hawaii with a frozen cocktail in my hand enjoying my life without pain and fear?? Guess which one I would pick?

This thought crossed my mind as I drove home today. How badly I wanted to drive....just drive on until I ran out of gas. Then I looked at my almost empty tank! I went home and watched a movie with my doggies. The next best thing.

I need a destination to escape too. Any suggestions??