Friday, January 30, 2009

Brivanib or Placebo

Today was my 12th week on the clinical trial for Brivanib. I met with Dr. Maki &  he gave me good news that my tumors are stable, there is no change from my last MRI. 
The whole ride home I kept glancing at the brown paper lunch bag with my pills in it. I needed to know what was inside. Paul convinced me to wait.  I couldn't help opening it  anyway. Poked my finger through the foil top (didn't have that on my other pill bottles!), and carefully checked out the shape of the pill. Looked a tad smaller than my other pills. After a 10 minute conversation about safety foil on the tops of pill bottles....I did the only thing I could do. I called Elsa. She's my Brivanib buddy & just finished her 12th week.  

I took my pills at 10 pm and have been walking around in circles! I am in bed now & can't figure out if it was the Brivanib or Placebo!  As soon as I took them I was on the floor nauseous, holding back tears. The anxiety has been building up all day. The fact that it's been over an hour since I took them (11:15), I think I am going to say that I got the Placebo ( bastards!)

I will see again tomorrow evening.  Maybe I am just too worked up and thinking about it too much (Elsa your right!). I should be a lot calmer...especially since I will be on the Beach in COSTA RICA!!!! I will post another blog to let you know if anything changes.

The saga continues............

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I am heading out the door to meet some friends for dinner. A psychic is going to be there! I am not really into psychics, but love getting my cards read.  I will chat more about this another time, when I have time.

Any who...I am getting my test results back tomorrow for my 3 scans that I had on Monday. 

I am feeling in the middle about the results. I really don't know what Dr. Doom is going to say. I am always positive..but hey you never know.
I will be clicking my ruby slippers if it's bad and heading off to OZ! Some times I wish there was a Wizard

Thursday, January 22, 2009


You going to love this pity party blog!

I made myself a promise a long time ago that I would never let my brothers ripping my barbie's heads off bother me.  Then as I got older I vowed to never let a boy break my heart. A couple of years ago I did the same with this disease. I will never let it take over my life. I will beat this cancer.  I will be happy.
But, I feel like it has taken things from my life that I want back.  It took my time ( I would rather be shopping than getting a scan!) appearance (please don't comment on this! I am being honest here!)...the pains I get in my head, my scars.... ... and my chance to have babies.  I have spent days crying, angry over it all. Again and Again. I move on, I get worse, I get better. But, I still cry.  This whole experience has made me strong, but  it has really pissed me off.  I want the next step to happen in my life...but I am patiently(not really) waiting for this chapter to end! And, I know that it will never end. I will never be able to not cry when they take blood. I will never be able to walk into a scan, praying that it's just a nightmare.  It completely sucks. 

There is a book that I always have on my shelf. I buy it for others, because I don't want to give up my copy. I love the way it feels in my hands, used and worn in. I have read some of the same chapters that it just opens right to it. Today I reread the introduction. The Practice To Happiness. I like this chapter because it really shows me how being angry has made me suffer. I do meditation & focus on changing the anger into something good. Yes, I can cry. But it's not doing me any good to hold all this anger in.  

I know that everyone deals with bumps in the road. I also know that if I manifest what I want, I will have it. Those stupid bumps will not get in my way. They may be different from everyones else's way of doing things, but it's my way. I have never been one to follow.  So I give myself permission to have my pity party's as long as they last for less than 2 days & I get to have candy during that time. 

The book is called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Wisdom for cooling the flames. 
Read it, you may like it. 

Meditative hugs,

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Journal

I didn't think that it would be that hard. Tape some pictures to a book and write the date in. But now that I'm filling a huge journal in to document the past 2's exhausting. I have done a little at a time. Because, I want to get every word, emotion right. But, there is just too many words to describe surgery, chemotherapy, radiation.  Basically I want to say, " It F**king sucked! But, this is something I will share with everyone & cursing may not be the best way to describe it. To be honest I still can't believe that I have battled Cancer. This is my Journey. And that is the name of my book, My Journey. Because it's not yours, it's mine. But, I am ready to share every detail. Every emotion. the good & bad. Let me tell you...the pictures speak for themselves. 
I shared my first few pages with Paul and we both cried. I never took pictures the first time around, 2002. It was different. I was indestructible. Brain surgery was nothing to me. Not until I got home 2 weeks later, looked in the mirror & said, " What the hell are you doing?"  It's kind of how I feel right now. What the hell did I do? How did I do it? 
I can finally start this project. I am far enough along that I can look at pictures and have a clear memory of what happened. Day by day. It's all too clear now. I took a step back and realized that I am stronger than I think. 
I am ready for the next step in my life. Because I have the journal to remind me that if I can go through that...I can accomplish almost anything. And that I have a hard head!

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I am so HAPPY  that 2008 is over! After  wonderful news from Dr. Doom  (he had the biggest grin in his face) on the 23rd ( my lovely tumors are stable!), and after I almost fainted from hearing it.....I had a wonderful Christmas with my family. 

I know I am suppose to have these amazing New Year resolutions, and usually I do. But, this year mine are going to be a little more about me. These are the 2 that I am accomplishing this week...
1. Get a new eyebrow!
2. Start dancing again. (Let me explain this one! Robert & I took Ballroom dancing, but had to stop when I had surgery)