Monday, December 27, 2010

Happy Holidays 2010

I am a little late on the Holiday blog wishing.
I am really happy that it's over and I now have 3 months to be tortured by the cold. We got hit with a nice winter blizzard yesterday. I don't mind the snow. It's my excuse to do absolutely nothing. I am getting very organized around the house. The perfect time to clean out closets and drawers.
I had a great Christmas and spent the day making it disappear. I was able to get all the ornaments away. I want my house back to normal.

I am still dealing with the same old issues that I have been for years now. I have my surgical date set for January 21st.  It would have been sooner, but Paul and  I had to make some difficult decisions before I went forward. I changed the date three times!

I am getting tired of these horrible tumors!

It's almost a New Year. I am looking forward to the great things that will be happening. Hoping and praying that something health wise will change.

Winter Hugs

Monday, December 13, 2010


"Happy news is on it's way to you"     ~Fortune cookie 2010

As luck has it, I do have to endure another surgery at some point in the next few weeks. But, things have been balancing out quite nicely in my life. I have the emotions and sadness of another fight ahead, and my dreams of becoming a mother have been visible every single day. I finally wake up with a huge smile on my face knowing every moment  we are one step closer.

Paul and I are ecstatic moving into 2011.  Our Happy news is coming!

I am still doing my energy work & meditation. It really helps in so many ways.

I have an adorable Christmas Picture this year of Bandit in her Santa hat. She struggled for a while to get it off...poor dog! I'll post it.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

No Turkey for me this year!

Happy " A little late" Thanskgiving to All

I hope everyone had a peaceful day and filled themselves to the brim with a delicious meal. I didn't even have one piece of Turkey! I asked my Dad to Pardon his this year...poor thing.

Paul and I have so much to be thankful for this year.   Everyday has been a gift.

Now we start the Holiday shopping!
I am going to make a list this year and give myself a budget. I try this every year and I fail to follow my own directions. We are really just buying for the kid, it is not that hard.
I just end up shopping for myself. I see glitter and sparkle and I can't contain myself!
I am off now to go pick up a few things. I am making Paul come with me. He can help shop and control me in some way!


Monday, November 8, 2010

Paul and I had the greatest trip out west. We got to see our precious new twin nieces. Paul was a natural holding them. It was wonderful. Our 6 year old niece Olive is beautiful. She has grown up to be an amazing little girl. I loved spending every minute with her.
We then headed to San Fransisco for a few days and then moved along to Napa. We spent time with some many wonderful friends. I am learning more and more about the West coast and hope one day I can get Paul to move. have to help me with this one.

On another note.
I really beleive when you shed bad energy from your life, you let more positive in. Maybe it's that I started to look for the good things in my day instead of the  the bad stuff. That might be the key.

I went to a scan  in the city on Thursday and waited for hours. Long story short...The kid at the desk was a jerk, trama patients take priority ( I was one of those once) and I waited  hours for a scan that never happened.  It was a train ride, a trip to the hospital and dinner with a great friend. All in all, it wasn't a big deal that I rescheduled my scan. I promised myself to not let those things bother me. I promised to not let mean people bother me. It was just a long day.

I am so much happier letting things roll off my shoulders. It's eisier than harvesting negative-ness.

So many wonderful things are happening around me right now and I am honestly floating through my days.

I do have a lymph node that I need to remove. I am getting things done to make that happen. I am just enjoying the happy moments in my life.

Enjoy the good things today and tomorrow.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Tornado and Scans

Good Evening

I was just going to bed and realized that I haven't blogged and so much has happened in the past two weeks. I guess I will just sum it up in a few lines. It's a very long story.

Thursday I went into MSkcc for my Brain ( maybe a blood clot headache mystery) Mri and a Tornado  touched down in Queens. So I stayed in the city  with some friends and Friday I ventured back to the hospital for 2 more Mri's. It was a fun filled two days!
Saturday, I supported a fantastic friend and slept in a Tent with 10 other girls! It was great and I had so much fun. The weather was perfect for a beach party and sleep over. A memory I will never forget!

It's been a very exhausting week. I have had so much on my plate. I spend my mornings on the phone returning Dr's calls. I am looking under every rock for anything new about Sarcoma. There has to be more out in the clinical Hospital world. I just want to make sure that this drug is really "It" for me.

On another note:
I just want some peace in my day to day. I am letting go of some negative-ness that has blocked my spirit this past week. It's now removed from my body and flying somewhere else. I am starting to clean up the house, frienships and my body of just crap that holds me down.  It's nice to be clean!

My scans came back good and I don't have a blood clot! Lot's of scar tissue from the last surgery. They are still not sure what's causing the headaches. I have now had one for three days. The  lymph node on my neck showed up on the scan. It's on the right side located near the one he removed last summer. Pray that it stays in it's comfy spot and doesn't travel. I don't know when I would even remove it. I couldn't imagine going in for another surgery. I am hoping this drug works.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Alien Brain!

Check out the strange alien head picture below! That's my brain with a tumor sitting under my scull!!
Look right above the white arrow and you can see it! I had no idea that it was that big. I wouldn't of been doing cannon balls in the pool right before surgery.  Wait, that's not true...I would have been doing them.

It's been a month. I have to say that I really thought I was going to bounce back quicker. I am feeling so much better now and happy that I got through it. My headaches are finally easing up. I still feel weirdness in the area of surgery. That I know will take time. Getting back to my routine. Started dancing and working out (12 minutes on the elliptical counts) !!!!!

I went in last week to see Dr. Doom and to talk about treatments to keep the cancer calm. We came up with a good plan. I want everyone to know that I refused to get on the scale. The nurse just looked at me and shook her head. She then said, " How much do you think you weigh?" I told her to write that number down.  She made me get on! I just closed my eyes and didn't look.  Three weeks of caramel popcorn & Jersey shore re-runs adds up.

Hugs and Alien Brains,

My strange Tumor!

Holy Cow!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Silence is perfect

I can't stop giggling at my last post. I was on way too many pain killers to be blogging. I will not delete or change it, I find it funny.

It's been over 2 weeks since surgery. Boy, did that one hurt.  I am finally feeling better.  I saw my surgeon last Thursday and had my stitches removed. I told him that I have a headache that's been constant since the surgery. He was puzzled. He put me on celebrex to help with any inflammation. It's been four days and the pain is still happily bouncing in my head.  I hate popping pain killers every time I have pain. I want to just push through it, because eventually I feel better. But, this time I have no relief. I wake up and it's just lingering, waiting to get worse. They switched meds today and hopefully it will get better.
Moving forward. I see Dr. Doom on Friday. Wondering what he's going to try to plan for me. I am all ears, but difficult to convince. I am petrified. I just want this to be over.
This surgery scared me. I know in the pit of my stomach that I need to do something. I just feel like  not moving, not breathing...just being still. Maybe it will all just go away. I wish it was that easy.

About my feelings....
I started my  meditation today.  I sat outside on my Yoga mat and just started to breathe all the good air back into my lungs.. It does help to be still. I need some help to clear my mind. I am constantly going. I am getting back to that place where I can not relax. I hate that feeling. I enjoy being quiet. I enjoy being alone, within the walls of my home. I find it so peaceful at times.
There are so many things going on around me. I need to stay focused. I am having such a hard time right now. I end up focusing on everyone else's issues...and not my own. It really was great to have the phones unplugged and my home silent. I need to start doing that more. Once I open my computer or turn on my cell phone my life gets complicated. It's like other peoples crap, jealousies, insecurities, drama, issues, and bullshit just fill all the good air  that I have around me. I decided to wash my hands and thoughts of  this nonsense. I need to get back and stay grounded to my true self.  I want to start dancing again this week. My goal is to do more yoga  and find some peace. Then I can turn the phones back on and deal with life. I don't have to do anything.....I have to get better. I have to and I need to.
From now until...We'll when I decide....I am silent. I am going to give myself the time to think. Time to heal and time to enjoy my private, quiet moments alone. Maybe my headaches will go away. 

Big Hugs and Shhhh :)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My Lucky Helmet

The surgery was the total opposite of what I and Doc planned. I got a phone call on Thursday after my scan  that the radiation disc had a leak and will not be used. I was really looking forward to trying something new. Even though I haven't had a reassurance in any of the areas they have removed tumor from, I  was worry about cell transfer. Transfer from instruments  that has happened to me in the past. The disc was an extra comfort to me. I was going to put it off surgery this past Friday  and change the date.  I wanted to use the Radiation Plaque. My scan on Thursday  didn't even show signs of growth.  I realized it's  better to get it out now. Not to wait for any kind of damage that would make it harder in the future.

Surgery was a success. Dr. B patched the Dura and reconstructed my scull with synthetic plaster. Because, we mapped my scull out with MRI from the night before he was able to use an incision I already have. That was great. No "U" shaped scars!! I wasn't happy about that. I know I don't have too many choices, but happy that it was done this way. And, I still have all my hair. They wrapped it tight with a Turban Bandage. I call it my Helmet! Everything was all snug underneath. Quite cozy.

I came out of surgery not feeling that great. The Anesthesia really wiped me out. I was so sick. The nurse called it, "Violently retching!"  Lol!  It did get bad. I had to hold my head because I thought it was going to open my incision.  After they pumped me with every drub possible I had a feeling of the shakes and panicky. They gave me a anxiety pill that let me sleep for a whopping 2 hours. Then I sat laying with lights in my eyes, finger pricking and urge to puke.  I never slept a wink.

Saturday, I was transferred out of the PAC Unit and onto the Nuero floor for observation. My screaming roommate provided me with no sleep. After her 20th HELP call , I begged the nurse to please check her. They got her Dr's in that did something right, she slept. Not me though!  One nurse was so sweet enough to spill water on her. That's when I paged my doc and asked him to move me. It's horrible when you can't sleep and a restless roommate doesn't help my sanity. Worst part is that I know exactly how that lady Emily felt. I was there and it's not fun.

Last night I slept like a baby. Got off the Dilauded and heavy pain medicine. Pretty catheter came out. Yeah pee time!  They took out 3 of my four IVs. My arms and wrists look awful, I can't bend them just yet. They let me eat and walk a little bit. I even did stairs, big accomplishment. Don't ask me how...I was a total mess! I just needed to get off that nutcase floor.

Paul and I had a romantic Percocet-comatose dinner last night. Nothing says I love you more!
I am feeling ...ok. Tired, sore and cranky. I got my lucky helmet off, and that was a funky mess of blood and nastiness. All the  lovely bruising is coming to the surface. It's when everything hurts the most. Wait...scratch that...Friday hurt the most. Saturday was complete torture! Today I am sleeping!

Peace and Sleep

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Glitter In The Air
By P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’ sonly half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, The walk before the run
The breather before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled the rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniverary

 Seven Years ago 
July 19th 2003

Today was the best day ever! We went to the beach, ran around in the ocean and relaxed. Had a great dinner and enjoyed each others company. It was cute...we sat next to one another at the table. It was it wasn't that weird!

My sis-in-law said it...we have a ton to celebrate.
Paul has been a strong loving husband to me. His compassion and strength is truly amazing.  I love him so much and  I couldn't imagine my world without him.  Paul has been by my side from the beginning. He never complains about anything..scratch that...he's mad because he tripped over the vacuum cord that I left out and twisted his ankle...BE HAPPY I VACUUM!

We met in 2001...He had on an orange hat. We dated...went to Vegas a few months later. I dared him to marry me in an Elvis Chapel...He wimped out. We got back home and then I moved in. That's the quick version.
A few years into our relationship I had my first brain surgery. He held my hand 8 years ago .... Married me...and continues to take care of me. His patience is unbelievable...really it is! I am not the perfect patient!
I know I do so much for him too...and that is why we balance each other out so nicely. I have put up with years of snoring...and I finally found the perfect ear plugs!
You have my heart... I love you Paul.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Quick Blog Update

Thank you everyone for the Birthday wishes.

It was tough this year to celebrate. I love Birthdays...and for some reason I lost total love for my own.  What am I celebrating this year? I know that there are many things..good things. But, the weight of another sugery has clouded my head.

Let's move away from the Birthday Party..and step into the Anniversary.
Tomorrow (in One minute ) is my 7 year Wedding Anniversary! I can't believe that it flew by so fast. I'll post some great pictures tomrrow and blog more.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Great Fall, Boobie Milk and Surgery

My Fall down the stairs...or off the stairs now called MY FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT! I still have no idea how I ended up backwards.  I am adding humor to it, because my back is killing me and I need to move on from the pain and humiliation.  Call the house if you would like to hear Paul's version of me screaming! 
Doctors visit was better than I thought. Past scans showed the cancer growing in this spot for sometime. It just wasn't ever big enough to pick up. Good news is that it's slow growing in this area. Dr's couldn't give me a reason to why it's there. They never really can. Silly Cancer likes hanging out in my head. The surgery will not be as invasive as we thought. My Surgeon (Brain Guy) and Radiologist (New Dude) will try something different. They will remove the Cancer from my scull and  Dura ( gooey part around the Brain). Patch it all up.....clean what they can and then...This is great....Radiate me! New Doc will put a small radiation disc in the area where the cancer was to kill microscopic cells for 20 minutes. They will remove it and stitch me back up. It's like a double whammy surgery. 

Mom....I lied this morning to you. I told you I ate breakfast. I know how worried you get about me taking care of myself. I can't eat today. Yesterday, I could of eaten my entire fridge. Condiments and all.  I'm technically I am just eating liquid veggies. I promise to eat lunch...I know it's too hot to not eat. 
I am feeling it a little harder today. It's now a reality. Cancer stinks. 

I am waiting to hear back from the Nurse to schedule the surgery for August. Brain Doc said 4-5 weeks. I said, " No, how's 6-8 weeks?" Paul just shook his head. It's  slow growing..and I have a tan to keep up! I  always cancel things and shift my life around for surgery. It can wait an extra week. 

Sis..Nance..I left a message too. Hoping they get back to one of us.My sis-in -law has been doing research  (awesome cancer sidekick family member!) on the positive affects of Breast Milk. Has anyone done any research on this? I need feedback. Calling a place in Sweden that she found. 
Check it our Cancer fighters!

Word of the Day
The dura mater (pronounced /ˈdjʊərə ˈmeɪtər/), or dura, is the outermost of the three layers of the meninges surrounding the brainand spinal cord. The other two meningeal layers are the pia mater and the arachnoid mater. The dura surrounds the brain and the spinal cord and is responsible for keeping in the cerebrospinal fluid. The name "dura mater" is derived from the Latin "hard mother",[1] and is also referred to by the term "pachymeninx" (plural "pachymeninges").[2] The dura has been described as "tough and inflexible" and "leather-like".[2]

Big Hugs for Elsa...Thinking about you. We are strong fighters! Love you

Monday, July 5, 2010

Weekend Results

Not letting crummy news completely ruin my weekend, I packed my friend Diane's car and headed out to OUR beach house out east. It's technically Sarah's house, but Diane and I tell everyone it's ours. I do have my own room key it's kinda mine too! The girls hung with the kids for a few days while we waited for our prince charmings to finish up the work week and rescue us. We just needed help with the beach chairs...and to bring us lunch.

It was a nice weekend, spent with great friends who helped me get through the shock process. Spent sometime with Paul's family out in Montauk on Sunday and then headed home to lounge on the Boat.

While we were getting the doggies squared away...I fell.  Yes folks..I did a backwards dive off a 4 foot wall in the front of my house onto my back. Don't ask me how it happened. Paul is still trying to figure out how I was able to do it. I was running down the stairs and just feet were moving faster than my brain! 
Let me first tell you about the pain that ran up my back and butt..and then the burning of my legs, arms and back. I fell onto a 110 degrees driveway and seriously couldn't put my hands down to lift myself, it was so scorching. Like I said...Paul is still trying to figure this one out! He spent the rest of the day watching me very closely....telling me to be careful! 

We made it onto the boat and watched a wonderful firework show out on the water. It was one of the best. The refection of color off the water was spectacular. I felt my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. It was the perfect end to the weekend. 

Birthday countdown: 8 more days! 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Let me ruin your holiday weekend!

News came as a big shock on Tuesday. I prepare for bad and good news. Really I did. I was in the shower washing my hair and actually played out getting the great news and clean pretty scans. Then I went over the shock reaction of the bad news. Followed by me saying no no no no no Things are going to be good.
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.

Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.

I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.

July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.

I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.

I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.

But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!

Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.

Hugs & peace

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Paul said it perfectly, "You are upset because you have lived a normal life since February"

I took one look at the hospital gown, the port in my arm and started balling my eyes out.
Over & over in my head I kept thinking, I don't want to be here. I don't want bad news, I don't want my life to change again....I don't want to add another page to my Hospital journey scrapbook. I have a weekend + 2 days to go.

I use to find it funny that I new every hallway, every floor of the hospitals. I know which floors have the hot chocolate machines! One time we were waiting to see Dr Maki and the machine was broken. People were standing around holding empty coffee cups. I said," Hey, let's take the elevator up to 8 and get it! I know they have a mocha latte's too!" I crowded in an elevator with a few people and we rode it up to coffee heaven.

I am taking a very deep breathe and look forward to a beautiful weekend.

Hugs, love and many smooches!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Cowgirls and Sunblock

I realized that I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy enjoying the outdoors.

Paul and I got our garden in and it has grown so much. I already have tomatoes. They are green..but growing. I think we put in eight tomato plants, one eggplant, two cucumbers, string beans, herbs...and peppers. I love watching everything grow. I'm going to have a wonderful salad in a few weeks.
I've been playing a ton of tennis and getting so much better. I look so darn cute in the could I not play! Tom and I are proud to say that about two weeks ago we kicked butt on the courts against the sacksteins! Sorry di! Keep practicing Princess!

Last Friday was cowgirl night at dance.  I've been pushing the cowboy theme for a long time. I Love boots! I Love cowboys too!
Kristen is a tropper..she totally rocked the dance floor dancing her two-step! I owe you darling!

My aunt diane has been having ceizures. Diane is 51 with down syndrome. I'm with her now hanging out. She just had a big bowl of ice cream and is looking at me with puppy eyes for more. I bribe her constantly. Have a glass of water ( does not like water) and I'll give you a muffin. She  LOVES blueberry muffins. I'm surprised that she hasn't turned into one.

I'll post some great pictures of us cowgirls.

I'm feeling really good. I have my scans tomorrow in the city...53rd street if anyone is going to be around. I'll be the girl pacing on the 8th floor :)
Next Tuesday I will get the results....please keep your fingers crossed. It's going to be a long weekend. I already have an upset tummy thinking about it.

I giggle when I look in the mirror. My body is golden brown and my face and neck is pale white!'s hot out there! I am scared to tan my scars on my neck. And...I started to get my sun-stache! It's a mustache that comes out when I am too tan. No's there! I wear zinc on my upper lip. I look like an idiot!

Rock the Cowboy-girl boots and please protect the stache from too much sun!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Billy Robsky

Hula Billy

October 4th 2008

I met Billy Robsky for the first time at Kripalu in  Massachusets attending  a Crazy Sexy Cancer weekend retreat. We sat in a big circle with a group of about 50 people who have been touched or affected by Cancer. On the second day we had an excersize that we had to partner up with someone. It was like being picked last for kick-ball!  We were the last two standing! Billy and I looked at one another and spent hours hula hooping and laughing!  That was the day that I made a wonderful friend.

Billy was my Cancer buddy. We talked about our struggles, doctors appointments and dreams.   We cried  often and we laughed a ton.  Billy taught me a lot. He  taught me to not always listen to the doctors! I have to go with my gut! His advice has saved me in so many ways. I thank him for that advice.  We both wished for things to change. Always hoping the bad times were behind us.

Billy, everytime I look at my hula hoop I will think of you. You will always have a place in my heart. You were my friend and my buddy. Thank you for listening and helping me through the hard times. Thank you for teaching me to fight  and to kick this cancer in the butt.  I have been blessed by angels to have met you. You were the kindest person I have ever met.  You will be missed.

Please say a nice prayer or thought for Billy's wife Lynn and Family.

Hugs & Hula

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother Teresa

My friend Diane gave me a book a while ago..." Don't forget to sing in the lifeboats."
It's a cute book with positive sayings.  
Two of my favorites.. First,  from Mother Teresa....  "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
and " Life's a Bitch, You have to go out and Kick Ass!"

Here I am on Mothers Day. Thankful to have a wonderful Mother. Greatful to have a wonderful Mother-in-law. Yet I feel so sad today. Because,  every year I have only asked for a simple request. Cure me. Cure me , so Paul and I can move on with our lives. We want to enjoy the next step of being parents. Cure me, so I can be a Mom. Cure me, so I can give my husband the family he always wanted. Cure me, so I don't feel like such a failure. 

Every year I year will be my Mothers Day. Now I  am watching  this one pass by. 
Maybe it is true. I couldn't handle anything else in my life. Taking care of my health was number one. I know it's made me a different person. A better wife, a better friend and I will be a better Mom because of my struggles. It's taking me longer than most...but, I will get there.

To all the Mothers out in this world, Happy Mothers Day. Give them a squeeze and let them know you love them.  For every Diaper change, every tantrum, every time they make you stay up awake, waiting until 2 in the morning..past the curfew..wondering what in gods name  they are they doing!....It's  a Gift. 

One more time...Next year I will be a Mom!

Happy Mothers Day

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Good Luck!

I am nearing the end to my Portland, Vegas, California vacation.

I spent almost a week  in Portland, Oregon with Nancy, Heather & Olive...and don't forget the TWINS! I was able to join them and there friends for the baby shower. It was a great day and I got to meet so many wonderful people. Saw an amazing Ultrasound of the baby's..TWINS! We drove through the country and visited a farm with those tall sheep looking animals..nancy help me out...what are they called...Alma-laca-things??? Alpaca's!!!

Tuesday I traveled to Vegas to meet up with my great friend Chandra. We drove through Nevada and spent 5 days at Newport Coast, California. The  Coast is beautiful, Laguna Beach, Balboa it.
Slept, watched sunsets, walked the cute shops and spa-ed it up.

We just got back to Vegas and I am a little nervous. I have had this gambling itch since I landed. It subsided for a bit in Cali. That's only because I was busy trying to pick out my new home. Hint, Hint Paul!

Heading home tomorrow. Missing my Hubby and Doggies :) Can't wait to see you!

Wish me luck ! Hopefully I will come home as a winner!

Good Luck Charm!

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Ok! I am not in hiding. I have been a very busy bee. I feel wonderful. Working out and getting my beach body (HA!) back into shape. I am not really sure what shape that is! Lot's of extra-ness happening on this body. If anyone knows a way of getting rid of leg and arm gigglies...let me know.

Spring cleaning today. I was going to plant flowers and work in the garden. Maybe's a bit chilly here today in Ny.
Elsa...when do you start your beautful garden?? I know you love flowers.

What's much and not much!

Enjoy this beautiful day. Love life and live!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I was going to type up a nice blog..but have been distracted by my dog  Bandit growling and barking at me for the past 10 minutes. It's because I have soup and she thinks she is getting some. I swear this dog is going to eat herself to death. Thanks goodness she's tiny..she can't get to the counter or into things. She is such a fatty.

Update:    I am good, happy it's Spring time.  Eating great and working out all the time. Dancing is the best! I learned the Tango! So much fun. 
I am heading over to see my fertility Doc about options. I want a little baby. It's time for Paul and I to make some decisions. Nervous, but excited. 
I am praying and believing that my cancer, my body will be at peace during this time. It has to let me live a little.  I can't keep doing this surgery crap for the rest of my life.

I have been feeling a little distant from things and people.  I feel very emotional and tired. Taking care of my needs, which is always a good thing. I turn my phones off a ton. I am not being rude, just selfish. It's nice to hear nothing.....quiet time.

Enjoy a moment of quiet time. Don't get mad if I don't answer :)

Friday, March 5, 2010


I had a great week getting my life back  after another shove backwards from the cancer fairy! I am becoming a expert patient. I may start saying that I am a Surge-aholic. Except I am not really a fan of surgery. I still like the fluffy blue socks they give me. Blue! 

I posted a great picture that Paul took of me in my lovely unflattering Blue paper gown. 
Speaking of Blue!  I decided that if I want to do something ( that won't hurt me or drive Paul insane), I must do it! One life! One chance to do what you want!
I dyed a chunk of my hair electric blue! It looks Fantastic! Now, I am  blonde with a stripe! It's permant (Thanks Janet!).  Don't worry I can always dye it back.

Now what?? 
I am juggling chemotherapy options in my brain. I am not sure what to do. Do I wait for another tumor? More surgery? If anyone has an answer please let me know. 

Still Breathing. Still Smiling. Still wishing I was on my own island with a frozen drink!
Blue Hair....checked off my list! I am not wishing for that anymore. 

Love and Hugs, 

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day

Love, Love, Love

I can see some of my Valentine today! My poor right eye is completely swollen! When I woke up I tried to pry it open! The beuty of healing. I'm not so beautiful right now.

I slept through the night and feel good today. I am getting ready for an afternoon nap.
Then my butler Paul will make me lunch. Talk about being pampered today! Surgery worked out great with this holiday. It's like double the love.

I hope everyone enjoys Valentines Day. Remember to tell everyone around you how much you love them. Life is use today as a reminder day. It's about loving everything around you.....your dogs, cats, friends and for me ADVIl!

Have a Sweet Day,

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Free Botox...kind of! Surgery for the stars!

Surgery again....Whew!

I had another surgery yesterdy morning. Paul and I got to MSKCC at around 8 am and did the usual check in.
I was pretty calm until I got into the operating room. That's when I completely lost it. Oh the tears! I think I scared everyone. I was really contimplating about getting up and calling it a day. That's when they most likely decided to slip me the happy drug. I don't even remember feeling woozy from the pre-knock out cocktail. I just passed out.

Doc removed a tumor from my temple area. He got it all out and then some. About the size of a quarter. Unfortantly, my nerve was cut. Good news about that..Doc saved Paul thousands on Botox injections! I will now have a perma-brow! The right side of my face in wrinkle free! I am so swollen and I am bruising up pretty fast...but I may have a crowless eye! How amazing! Except I am wondering if I am becoming 1/2 angry...1/2 happy face?? Hmm I have to check that out in the mirror tomorrow.

I stayed one night in the hospital and now I am home recovering in my bedroom filled with Roses from my Valentine. Love and kissed to my wonderful husband. That man sleeps on pull out couches with metal bars digging into his back all night...for me! That's love.

The Future..... spaceships....
I am going to send out reports, scans and my history ( good luck reading that bible) to a few Doctors I have met along the way. To get a few ideas. Maybe a nice round of Chemo will help. Not really sure what anyone is going to say about me and My Sarcoma history.

Something has to change. These surgeries are brutal. I get through them like a champ...but, boy am I exhausted. One more day of percocet and then advil will be my new friend for the week.

Happy Valentines day everyone. Lot's of love and kisses to all.

A 1/2 Botox-ed lady!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

14? Is that a lucky numer...better than 13.

We'll I am pushing forward...Doc gave me the rusults after my MRI's on Tuesday. It's a Tumor!

I don't even know why I bother getting these scans done. I know what's going on even before they tell me. I can feel them (the lovely tumors) growing. 3 weeks ago I felt a difference. I had a headache and I was rubbing my temples. I felt a small bump, like a piece of rice on the right my eye. I knew..and even when Paul & everyone else said it was a pimple...I knew. I am getting better at containing my concern. I guess apart of me really hoped it was nothing.

Now what?? I will see Doc B. on Tuesday and schedule surgery. Lucky number 14!

Good neck and other parts where I have done radiation or surgery are clean. This is great news.

Yes, I am disappointed. But, I have also accepted this as part of my Life. My journey through this world of endless MSKCC slippers (Free when you get a tumor removed)!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pep Talk

I am only thinking positive this year. I think positivelyness (totally made this up) is coming out of my pores! That means nothing negative....I have my force field on. Ready to block it out!I And, I have been doing a great job.

Since I don't have a New Years resolution, I decided to start with doing the things that I love..or have put off. I have been religiously going to dance class ( quick mention......The Ballroom of Huntington) a few times a week. I got myself into an amazing workout plan. I have been dedicated to keeping my body happy.....and therefore I am happy. So, I jumped into a weekly schedule of fun-ness! Yoga, Dance and getting my butt kicked by my trainer Susan.

Paul is super excited. Not only do I have my days filled with wonderful things to keep me busy...I am not shopping!
Dance + Workout = Less shopping for Michelle. This equation makes Paul a very happy man!
The problem is I have a perfect spot in my shoe closet for the new spring collection. I hear my shoes crying when I close the door...Please Michelle bring us a new friend! Oh, it breaks my Jimmy Choo suede sling backs need company!

Getting fit may keep me out of the mall, but I still have a computer to do some online shopping therapy.

I am trying not to think about my scans that are next week. Ohhh..this huge gray cloud is just hovering over me. Everything will be fine. Even if I get bad news from Dr. Doom. I can get through it. I sat myself down ( no really I was very interesting conversation that I had with myself!) and gave my heart, my brain, my stomach...every inch of my body a pep talk. I told myself this...
I will be dealing with Cancer for the rest of my long life. I will fight and continue to live. Cancer will not break me. I am ready
for anything. I am not scared, I am determined to beat this!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful January.

Shout Out:
Pepper and Bandit lost a Doggie pal, Bo. You will be missed my four legged friend.
Happy 32nd Birthday to Mary Kay!

Hugs & Kisses to All

Robert's 30th

These are a few pictures from my brother Robert's Surprise 30th Birthday. We had the best time! Elvis stopped by and sang a few awesome tunes for us. It was so great to see my brother smile, he was so surprised. I love seeing him happy!
These are the times that I am so thankful for my family and friends. To have everyone together to celebrate a birthday...LIFE! It is so wonderful and beautiful.
I know a ton of people that say...Oh it's just a Birthday. What! It's a day that you get to celebrate your life...another year older. A Year! Don't take for granted those Birthday's. Blow out that candle. Congratulate yourself for being a year older...for living! I think Birthdays are wonderful.
Call me on your Birthday and I will make you a cake!