Thursday, October 9, 2008

Hula back to reality

I am angry so I decided to type this in red.
I have the negative feeling in the pit of my stomach. Usually when I am waiting for test results I think positive and can't sit still. I do yoga, shop for shoes (retail therapy), eat everything in sight. For two days I have been enjoying the quiet time, meditating. I just cant stop thinking about what's going to happen next. The truth is I was always scared about surgery, and treatments. Right now I am absolutely petrified. I am realizing that I may not have control of this canSer. I control pretty much everything I do, just not this. I look & feel amazing. I had my "Big" surgery less than a year ago and I think about how far I have come. I am so proud of myself for staying positive, eating right and living it up.  And, just as I am feeling better, getting my life back...I get pushed down again. What I don't understand is , what am I doing wrong? I know it's the question all of us canSer buddies would love to know.  The real question is why, oh why are my white cells sleeping? I need to get a really loud obnoxious alarm clock to wake there lazy butt's up.
I had a wonderful weekend in the Berkshires of Massachusetts. The mountains and colors from the change of season was just breathtaking. I woke up early, did yoga, had great meals and met wonderful friends. I was able to spend some great alone time with my sister in law. We drove up friday to Kripalu to meet up with a group of about 60 other amazing people dealing with or supporting someone with Canser. We healed one another, shared stories, cried, laughed and Hula Hooped!
I felt supported and understood. My scars were excepted here. I found my "People". To be very honest I felt blessed. Seeing some struggle with the effects of chemo, another surgery, etc.....I was happy that I moved passed it. 
But, now I wait. And I do know what  Dr  Tumor is going to say.  And I am not sure if I really want to hear it. Because all I heard him saying as he demonstrated the surgery he was preparing me for next was..." YOUR NEVER, Ever going to have children!"
So Now I am sitting  here Doe eyed waiting for the phone to ring. The problem is they are not suppose to call until tomorrow.  
I think I will Hula my fears away!

My Crazy Sexy CanSer Cowgirl-Boy Group!

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