Monday, August 30, 2010

Silence is perfect

I can't stop giggling at my last post. I was on way too many pain killers to be blogging. I will not delete or change it, I find it funny.

It's been over 2 weeks since surgery. Boy, did that one hurt.  I am finally feeling better.  I saw my surgeon last Thursday and had my stitches removed. I told him that I have a headache that's been constant since the surgery. He was puzzled. He put me on celebrex to help with any inflammation. It's been four days and the pain is still happily bouncing in my head.  I hate popping pain killers every time I have pain. I want to just push through it, because eventually I feel better. But, this time I have no relief. I wake up and it's just lingering, waiting to get worse. They switched meds today and hopefully it will get better.
Moving forward. I see Dr. Doom on Friday. Wondering what he's going to try to plan for me. I am all ears, but difficult to convince. I am petrified. I just want this to be over.
This surgery scared me. I know in the pit of my stomach that I need to do something. I just feel like  not moving, not breathing...just being still. Maybe it will all just go away. I wish it was that easy.

About my feelings....
I started my  meditation today.  I sat outside on my Yoga mat and just started to breathe all the good air back into my lungs.. It does help to be still. I need some help to clear my mind. I am constantly going. I am getting back to that place where I can not relax. I hate that feeling. I enjoy being quiet. I enjoy being alone, within the walls of my home. I find it so peaceful at times.
There are so many things going on around me. I need to stay focused. I am having such a hard time right now. I end up focusing on everyone else's issues...and not my own. It really was great to have the phones unplugged and my home silent. I need to start doing that more. Once I open my computer or turn on my cell phone my life gets complicated. It's like other peoples crap, jealousies, insecurities, drama, issues, and bullshit just fill all the good air  that I have around me. I decided to wash my hands and thoughts of  this nonsense. I need to get back and stay grounded to my true self.  I want to start dancing again this week. My goal is to do more yoga  and find some peace. Then I can turn the phones back on and deal with life. I don't have to do anything.....I have to get better. I have to and I need to.
From now until...We'll when I decide....I am silent. I am going to give myself the time to think. Time to heal and time to enjoy my private, quiet moments alone. Maybe my headaches will go away. 

Big Hugs and Shhhh :)


JS said...

"True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment." William Penn

Erin said...

Michelle, my prayer for you right now is Peace, Quiet, and Restoration.