Thursday, December 31, 2009




Dear Friends,

I have been walking around thinking about this past year. I love the celebration of a New Year. I love that tomorrow I can wake up and say that a whole year is behind me. I can pick apart the days, take the good out and leave the bad behind. Carry beautiful memories into the New year. Learn from mistakes and change. And in some cases, not change a thing.

My resolution... Continue being strong!! And...... a few other things! That's another blog entry.

Thankful – feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

A word that someone recently brought to my attention. I have thought about the meaning of this word a ton lately. Especially since it's the Holiday season.
I am thankful to have survived 2009. Thankful for given the year. Yes, some parts were absolutely crappy...but it was my year! And...I loved it. I am thankful for everything and everyone in my life...and white wine (it helped!)!

Welcome new babies of 2009 & the ones joining us in 2010. Goodbye to those who have passed, now looking over us. Thank you to my friends who read my blog and for all that are apart of my life. For the support and love you have shown. Most of all... for listening.

Kisses to my love..Paul. You are still the reason why I fight...I love you.

Big thanks to my dogs. Pepper & Bandit. Bandit graced we with her presence after she rolled around in her own poop...and lovely Pepper thought it would be funny to wake me up this morning at 6:30. Finally after her pacing & barking I got up to find a nice gift of morning POOP on my bathroom floor. The irony...... even the dogs know how Sh*tty 2009 has been!! :) Ironic that today started off with poop!

Have a Healthy & happy 2010!

Hugs & Love,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Holidays

See You Later 2009! It's almost OVER! I just have to get through Christmas!

Whoa I am so happy that this year is coming to a close. I thought it would end nicely...but boy the last few weeks have been stressful. Scratch that...10 days away from the nonsense was a treat! Nothing but sunny sky's & guacamole.

Now I am just finishing the last minute details of Christmas Eve.!

Happy Birthday to my brother Brian and my wonderful friend Natalie! The Christmas Babies.

Paul and I want to wish you a very Happy Holiday.

Lot's of Love,

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Quiet Time


10 Days of peace and quiet in sunny Mexico! I left my cell phone and computer home and plan on having a very relaxing vacation. I can still steal Paul's computer if I need a fix. We haven't even left the airport and I have to update my blog!

Things (Dr's & cancer stuff) are still the same. I canceled all my scans & appointments for December. I figured I had enough for one year. I have been feeling more human since I stopped walking the halls of Mskcc.

Please send extra prayers to two of friends that I met in Boston, Cindy & Eric. Eric..we are chearing you on. xoxoxox

Love, Michelle

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I have had a busy week and it's only Tuesday! I called my Surgeons office and cancelled my appointment for today. It was really a routine checkup after surgery. I gave them a brief diagnosis over the phone. Incision is healing nicely and no complaints. I failed to mention that I ripped off the steri strip too soon ( It was suppose to fall off) and it bled for a day. It was dirty...and everyone knows how I feel about germs!

I have a fundraiser on Thursday for Good Samaritan Hospital that I volunteer at. I am Chairlady of the event. I really just like saying Chairlady...I am sooo important!

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my pretty car. Thanks for the nice driving and letting the wind blow through my hair on the sunny days that I felt like complete crap.
My car is really special to me...I know that sounds silly. I will explain. Three years ago I was having a really hard time. I wasn't getting along with friends, my family was driving me nuts and I had this unknown bump on my forehead. I was super sad for days when Paul told me to get into the car....we were going car shopping. My truck lease wasn't up for months and new I wasn't ready to buy another one.
We walked through the showroom and that's when I saw the love of my soul mate! second soulmate! Paul stood next to me and said the words every girl has been waiting to hear, " PICK ONE!!!"" I was speechless. I picked out a beautiful convertible. And, that beautiful convertable sat in my garage for 3 whole months while Paul drove me back and forth into the city every single day for Radiation treatment.
I would get home, go into the garage and sit in it. Waiting for a sunny day to take her out.

I disliked Paul's car. It reminded me of a time that I hated. Every single day was the same. I'd get up...get into Paul's car... sit in traffic...wait for treatment...smell burnt brain and then we would drive home and sit in more traffic. I don't like Paul's car! I would get into my car and breathe. Driving it made me feel like I had some control over my life. This car has been in my life during my worst times...Radiation...Chemo..Ugh Boston! I remember coming home on weekends from Boston. I couldn't wait to drive was an excape...that made me feel good.

Friday, I am back in the city to see Dr. Doom. I already called and left a great complaint with the staff! I want a game plan when I arrive. None of this, let's see what happened nonsense. Figure it out Doom!

So that's my week.
I do get to celebrate with my gorgeous friend Michele tomorrow for her Birthday. I love Birthdays! Happy Birthday Mich!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Mrs. Potato head

12 head surgeries! Amazing that I haven't turned into Mrs Potato head! I have to pop in my Angry Eyes!

We arrived 1/2 hour late this morning due to traffic. I loved that I was reprimanded for being late. He asked me what time it I was a child. I also love Paul's come back response. He said, " OK, so the 10 times before this that we were early and waited around because you are never on time doesn't count?" It was very funny. After that the desk guy kept coming in to check on me. Ha!
After the nurse tapped my hand for 40 minutes looking for a vein....I walked into OR #2. I just have to add that I think it's so funny that the hospital has signs all over, WASH YOUR HANDS, STAY CLEAN. They give you a lecture about no deodorant (I don't use anyway), perfumes....because it's not sterile. But, then on the say of the operation you walk the nasty halls, use the bathroom in gray thin gross socks, jump on the table in them and its OK?? What is that?

Dr. Boyle said the lymph node came out nicely and he looked around the area to see any signs of spreading. It looked nice and clean. The biopsy did show spindle cell sarcoma. I am thrilled that it wasn't anywhere else. Not jumping for joy yet. I have learned not to get too excited. Positive, but realistic.

I am feeling good, sore. I am just taking Advil for the discomfort. I haven't felt any pain, just bruising and stiffness. My throat hurts more from the breathing tube...ugh I hate that thing.

I will get a scan most likely in 2 weeks, see Dr. Maki and then will start making decisions about the next step. I think it's time to get a little more aggressive. These bad cells in my body are having a field day!

Have a spooky Halloween!

Hugs, Mrs Potato Head

Friday, October 23, 2009

I'm use to the surgery process...especially the mental part. I just hate going through the emotions. I especially hate when the shock becomes anger. Because, I know the next step is sadness & fear. Yesterday I was still upset. Today, I can feel it welling up in me. A huge ball of tears that will land me with puffy eyes all day. I can feel it breaking me down inside. This is the part that I hate. The worst part is that I have a whole week before surgery.
I hate this feeling that's turning my stomach. I hate surgery and I hate cancer.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's Back!

This part of my life is complete nonsense. I am over the drama of it all. I am over the saying, "Things happen for a reason." Frankly , they should not be happening anymore. I did my time!

I actually spent a month not talking about myself! I brought all the unhappy cancer talk to a halt. When someone asked how I was....I said great! I was able to put everything in the past.

I just knew it was going to be back. My gut told me that things were not right. This dumb lymph node felt funny. But, I really felt it would just go away.

It's the reason I missed my last appointment. I knew something was wrong. But, I needed some time to not think about it. I just wanted to relax before another surgery. I wanted to pretend that I was clean...that my scan showed nothing...that things were getting better. Yet, here I am back at square one. More anesthesia, more needles...more of everything I despise.

They took two biopsy's of the enlarged lymph node under my jaw. Doc had the pathologist come down to test it while I was still in the chair. Funny looking cancer cells were swimming around under the microscope. The best thing to do is to remove it.

I am scheduled for surgery on Friday, October 30th.

This surgery is screwing up my Halloween plan! I am going from a sexy german beer girl to a cut up cancer patient! Perfect! I guess I can keep my IV in and freak everyone out. Thank you lymph node for ruining my Halloween!

Chat soon....Michelle

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I want to wish luck to all the Girls doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk! I am so proud of you girls for raising so much money and for most of all sleeping in a tent. Get some rest and I will be around if you need a piggy back ride or foot massage!

My News:
I am still waiting for this stupid lymph node to shrink. It's so close to my incision that it feels really funny to touch. I am trying hard not to think about it. I see Doc on October 20th. I am hoping it will start to disappear by then. I just know how it's going to play out. Doc will say "Hmmm maybe we should be safe and take it out." How about No Doc! I am very busy trying to figure out what I am going to be for Halloween this year. I was thinking sexy school girl...not cut up cancer patient. There is nothing sexy about that. Well maybe an open back gown could be sexy. Let me think about that.

Till then I will stay clear of anything that may be harmful to my lovely little lymph node....Vodka...Sugar. The things I love.

I started Ballroom dancing again. No, I don't look anything like the dancing with the stars people. Not even close. My poor feet are killing me. Nothing is more glamorous that me hopping into my house praying that I have Epsom salt to soak my puppies. Dancing is the best feeling accept it's totally ruining my fall wardrobe. I can't even rock my new boots. Oh the blisters!

Have a great weekend. Don't forget to support the breast cancer survivors & remember the ones we have lost. Here's to you Aunt Mary Anne. You are my Angel.

Love Michelle

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Plan

Dear Blog Followers,

Being on a high dose of antibiotics had me feeling achy and out of whack. Good news, my ear is feeling so much better. Today was my appointment with Dr. B. The thought of heading back into the hospital was making my stomach flip. I just wanted to be away from that hospital for a while and get my life back!

This morning I woke up with all the right intentions of going to my appointment. I planned on heading in around 9:30. I was getting a cup of tea ready for my drive. My plan was to get gas, take the top down on my car and blast some music. That's when Paul decided that he wanted to go with me. He didn't want me to go alone and wanted to drive. He's been swamped at work trying to catch up and knowing it was only a checkup I told him I was fine. I like taking the drive or train in, having some time to myself.

We were out the door & driving when something came over me. My plan that I had for the day changed. I felt a little upset & had an instant rush of anxiety. I was panicking inside, a feeling that I rarely have. It was like something was pulling me back home, back to my comfort zone. There was no way that I was going into the city. Within a second I called and canceled the appointment. I don't know if it was fate telling me to turn around. All I know is that a wave of sadness came over me. I wanted to be out of the car. Paul drove us home and I got right back into bed. I curled up for a few minutes, took a deep breath and I felt better.
I'm really not sure what that was about this morning. I know that I like to have control over certain situations. Paul coming with me, changed everything. I love that he cares so much about me and wants to drive me in. Today was just a checkup! Nothing else...I am not ready for anything more right now. Having Paul with me, driving in his car......I felt like it was now a bigger deal. Almost like I was going to get bad news.

I should just open my mouth when I have a plan and continue on with it. I need to do things on my own...I need some control over the things that I can control.

But, maybe the planets weren't aligned right or one of my beautiful guardian angels was protecting me. I just know that I made the right decision. I went with my gut and stayed home today. It was such a strange day!

Good Night!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Do Over

Good Evening Everyone,

I've had this inner canal ear pain since my last surgery in August. They (Dr's) said it could be a pocket of fluid that formed after surgery.
I see Dr. B on Tuesday. He's going to try to figure out why one of my lymph nodes is still enlarged. Why my ear pain hasn't gone away. And, whatever else he feels like telling me.

This is why I didn't get excited when I got the, " Thumbs up, you have a clean scan" speech. I am going to be a walking wreck for the rest of my life. I really thought I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital for a while. December, that is what Doc said. He didn't say, "Sorry for the ear pain, see you in September!"

I am requesting a Do-Over.
I want another shot at it! A life that I dreamed of, that I want. By the book... Love, Marriage, House, Baby, etc....... happily ever after. Nothing in between. Do not add radiation, surgery or constant depressed crying fits everytime I see a picture of me from my past...when I felt normal and pretty.

My problem (one of many!) is that everything (most things) in my life is wonderful. It's just the set backs of Cancer. It's not being able to live because you spend half the year preparing for surgery or recouping from it. As much fun as I have, I can't enjoy the things around me. I know 90 percent of you would tell me not to complain. I have a wonderful husband, nice home..great family. But, to me there is something missing. To me Dr's appointments , MRI's are normal. I should not be a 30 year old girl that can recite to you every floor of the hospital. I can give you directions and tell you the soup special in the cafeteria.

That was not the plan. This was not my plan. This life I own was not my plan. And, as much as I know that I can fix most of really stinks. The scars, my eye tearing constantly, the surgery bumps and that never ending twitching pain in my head stinks.

I want a do-over.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Welcome home Me!
I got home last night from a long day of airports and strange people. My favorite had to be the guy eating his peanut butter sandwhich next to me on the flight home. It was like the time I gave Pepper , my dog a spoonful. It took her hours to lick the roof of her mouth. Yet, this guy was worse. I think a piece got stuck in his teeth.....he kept cocking his head back like a crazy person. I thought he was having a ceizure. You would think that after his soda exploded all over myself and a few other people he would realize how rude he was being. Nope! Snack boy just went onto another fun .....big O' bag of crunchy pretzels. After that he listened to his 1980 tape deck with matching head phones.

I am heading to bed. I will write more tomorrow.
Love, Michelle

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fliying wreck

I am sitting in the Charlotte airport waiting for my next flight to the Bahamas. For the past few days I have had this question whooshing through my mind. Watching this lady next to me scarf down a cinna-bun covered in thick processed sugar reminded me how different I am. How can she eat that crap?

The burning question.............Now what?

What is there to do in the recovery/waiting world? I was reading in a cancer book that recovering from Cancer is sometimes longer than actually going through the treatment. Great..I have about 3 years to mourn the loss of this? I think I got over my high school boyfriend quicker!

I am just a little confused about who I am right now. Am I in Remission? What the heck am I? I am trying to figure out ( in my mind) what to say when someone asks about my rubber Sarcoma bracelet. Or why I have scars all over my neck. Am I cancer free? Or do I keep the lie about getting into a knife fight in Miami over stolen drugs?

I am more scared that the next few months are going to give me an ulcer. How the hell am I going to wait until December for my next scan. I am not a fan of the waiting game. It give me Diarrhea!

Right now I am going to board this plane to vaccine land and hope the person next to me doesn't carry the swine flu. If one more person sneezes I am going to freak out. I am about to walk around the airport with sanitizer.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Great News!

It's been a week since I got my test results back. I will start with that first since I know many of you have been waiting to hear. Great news...the best I have heard in years. My Mri's & PET scan came back CLEAN! Totally free of Cancer! I don't have to go back till December. No blood work, No needles & No more nasty raspberry yummy! I get a brake and I feel wonderful!
I met up with Elsa Friday before I saw Doc. She had a scan & an appointment too. We have the same doctor and meeting up is easy. I sat while she chugged (like a pro) this gross drink for one of her scans. It's amazing how use to that crap you get. I am happy, thrilled to say that Elsa received wonderful results as well. Her tumors are shrinking! Elsa ended up back in the hospital on Friday for a bacteria that hung around her port. A bacteria! We think this is it to all the horrific surgery's she's had...and an infection kept her in! Sunday, I went in to hang and keep her company. We made dream catchers ( I will post a pic!) & caught a few rays on top of the Mskcc patio. Check out her page to get updates.

I am off to the Bahamas on Sunday to get another vaccine. I will keep you posted.

A very happy,

Friday, August 28, 2009

Tuesday, Paul and I drove into the city to Mskcc to get my stitches out & more importantly to get my Pathology results. Before we even entered the building we received a phone call from Paul's Dad. Nana, Paul's grandmother died in her sleep. She fell a month or so back and spent some time in the hospital. She stated her wishes and asked to be home. Her witty sense of humor brought us peace over the last few weeks. Knowing she was happy and comfortable is all that anyone could ask for.
I am so fond of Paul's family, especially his grandparents. The relationships I had with my four grandparents was the best (in my opinion) anyone could ask for. Receiving so much love from Nana was a great gift. I learned a lot about her family. I also learned about love. Nana & Poppi were married 70 years. A beautiful love between two people. They made a wonderful family and I am honored to be apart of it.

At the hospital we waited to see the Dr on call and got the news. My parotid gland that was removed had a large cancer tumor (I knew that), but....the lymph nodes in my neck were clean! It didn't spread any further.

It was a funny day. We got sad news about Nana and great news about me. I felt completely wiped out when we got home. We both fell asleep and enjoyed an afternoon nap. We woke up hungry and decided to go on a, "Celebration Date" to a local restaurant, Johnathans. I was craving Polenta! I put on white pants and a gray top. Grabbed my purse and felt a funny feeling. I looked at Paul and laughed. A memory came rushing into my brain. Two years ago I felt a bump on my forehead, another one by my eye. We were at Johnathans having a drink, waiting to sit for dinner. Paul asked me what was by my eye and without even thinking, I knew the little tumor bastards were back. 4 1/2 years went by ! At that moment I started to prepare for Hell (that's basically what the past 2 years have felt like) . I was wearing the same gray top! As I told Paul this I realized that maybe it was fate. I have come full circle. I am starting in the place where in an instant I knew the tumors were back...and now they are gone.

I have 3 scans this week. Honestly, I am not even concerened. It's has to be. I am ready to say that I am cancer free...I am really ready!

All my love to Nana in Heaven. It's comforting to know that I have a strong angel looking out for me.

Hugs & love

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Frankenstein's Status

It took me longer than usual to update my fans about my status. I am doing great! The surgery went great. I was released sooner than expected from the hospital. I am still bruised, sore and full of stitches. Tuesday I will get the pathology results and my Frankenstein threads will be removed from my neck.
Have a wonderful week...I'll check in soon.

Thank you for the love and prayers.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Morphine Vacation

One more and hopefully my last. A lovely right superficial parotidectomy! I think this is my 12th surgery. It's funny that I packed my bags for this weekend in seconds. Knowing exactly what I am going to need & the best comfy clothes I would want. I do feel like I am going on vacation, minus the sunblock. It's like I'm not worried about the surgery! I'm more concerned that I have enough things to keep me busy for 3 days.

We are heading in early tomorrow morning and I most likely will have the surgery around noon. They said 11:45....but I know the drill.
6th floor....wait, check in, wait...they ask my birth-date 10 times and throw me into a fun bed with wheels...where I wait. I change into the itchy gown and wait. I know tomorrow they are going to ask me for a pregnancy test. I didn't take one during pre-op. So, I wait. News...I'm not pregnant....then I wait. And finally, they ask me my birthday again & jab me with a needle. I walk to the bright operating room where there is usually one hot male nurse that gets to watch me in my butt-out gown climbing onto the table! It's quite an experience.
My Dad's coming in to be the, " Tumor Driver! " The doctor hands the cooler with a nasty tumor to Paul, who hands it off to my Dad. He drives home and puts in my fridge for the weekend. Then Monday Paul will send it to the Bahamas. That's how my beautiful shots are made. It's so simple, they just pop the little sucker out and Whola...shots!

Have a great weekend. I will be vacationing on Morphine island! The land of Percocet's and cute Doctors. Oh the life!

I'll be back blogging on Monday.
Love, Michelle

Monday, August 3, 2009

Getting ready!

The pre-op is all over and now I am ready for surgery. Ok maybe I am not ready. More like I am waiting for it.
I am happy to get this tumor out. This one grew so fast. I am going to bet that it's bigger then the one Doc removed from the left side. I may have to make a bet with him before he takes it out. I could make a some side money during surgery!
The left side is still healing and numb. I can't feel my ear or lower part of my jaw. My hair is finally growing a bit. I'm getting peach fuzz. My face still feels so weird. Like the dentist gave me an overdose on Novocain and it never subsides!

For the next two weeks I am planning to enjoy every single day. I am trying to stay busy and not think about the surgery. I have a few fun projects to finish. I am hoping ( no rain please) to plant my butt on the beach as much as possible. Soak in some vitamin D. I find peace sitting on my own, enjoying a book and listening to the ocean.
August 14th I will be heading in to remove a lovely tumor. I'll be sporting 2 numb ears and a pretty tan!


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sarcoma Week

Spread the word! It's Sarcoma week. Support me by learning about my cancer & educate others about it. Wear the blue bracelet!!! There are so many people in this world, state and around me that have never even heard of this type of cancer. Knowledge is key. Learn and share what you know. I have Sarcoma bracelets and would love for everyone to wear one. You can also make a donation for Sarcoma research. Just let me know.

Special thanks to my Sister in law, Nance. She supported me by riding in a Sarcoma bike ride out in Oregon. You're fantastic!

Check out a few great websites and learn. &

Michelle's news & updates
I celebrated my 31st Birthday and my 6 year wedding anniversary last week. I am still healing up from the last surgery. Starting to feel like myself again. Which is just perfect because I am going in for another surgery on the 14th. Life is just too funny sometimes. I am thinking that it's better I just get it over with. And....they give great socks out at the hospital! Soft blue fuzzy slippers, with fabulous rubber grippers on the bottom. It's like a spa & you get free tumor removal!

I am raising my glass to all of the guys & gals fighting Sarcoma & other Cancers. And, to all of the fabulous fighters we have lost. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Keep kicking butt & know that none of us are alone. I am the girl walking next to you proudly sporting my cancer bracelet.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Diane's Birthday

Today is my Aunt Diane's 5oth Birthday! Diane has down syndrome. She has been talking about her birthday for months. Every time I see her it's the topic of conversation. I have heard over & over that her birthday was coming.

Her gifts are simple & her life is simple. The smallest things make her happy. She doesn't worry about the struggles of life. All she cares about is her blueberry muffins, hot fudge sundaes, scratch off lotto tickets, paper, the Mets & knowing what time it is. I am not kidding that this is all she wants in life. She lights up when you give her anyone of these gifts. Then 5 minutes go by and she is asking again! It's very funny.

I called Paul today when I was with her. He said that he noticed that being with Diane always makes me happy. Diane is the balance that keeps me sane. Spending a day with her shows me that life is just too crazy & laughter is the best medicine. I truly believe that she is my Aunt for a reason. She is my escape from it all. She speaks italian! She points the moon out to me everytime I am over. She talks about her parents ( my grandparents) like they are still alive. She is the most beautiful person that I know. She always makes me smile.

Cheers to Aunt Diane! She has brought my family love, patience & laughter. We love you!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I turned a healing corner this week. Doc said to give it a month and he was right. My cheek, ear and neck are still bothering me, which causes my lack of sleep. I still have my belly wrapped tight, but it's looking pretty flat!

I started my shots of Monday. Paul had to put one in my butt! I did the other 2. I don't mind these injections. I know that I am doing something good for my body. I will continue doing them twice a week for 12 weeks. I am hoping to see a difference in my tumor that's growing in my right parotid gland. Maybe it will shrink! That would be exciting.

Other News:
My birthday is on Monday. I have been thinking about it, but not excited like I usually am. Last year I turned 30. I had a beautiful birthday party to celebrate. I remember being so happy that I was feeling better after the surgery. My hair was growing, my strength came back. I thought my battle was over. I listened to the doctors and did the treatments they recommended and got through it.
What am I celebrating this year? What's changed in a year? I'm feeling good, but just waiting to have more surgery. I just wish things would change and that next year when I turn 32, I can celebrate something. Look forward to something other than the results from my next pathology report.

So, I am not really happy about my birthday. Because to me, nothing in my life has changed.

Don't forget that Sarcoma week is coming up! Support me by wearing your blue bracelet. If you dont have one..let me know.

Monday, June 29, 2009


It took me a day, but I cried it all out. I was exhausted and going crazy for being home so long. Two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, but believe me it is when you're floating around doing nothing. I knew it was time to venture out because I started to hate my bed! This always happens to me. I get uncomfortable and need to change my surroundings. 
One time I made Paul sleep in the opposite direction of our bed, because I was convinced that if our heads faced North we would sleep better. He did  and slept well.  I just got confused when I got up in the middle of the night to pee! 
I decided to fix  the un-comfy bed problem by buying soft pretty new sheets. It worked!  That night I crawled (sleeping pills in hand) into a comfy bed. 

This week in Dr News
I sent a piece of my tumor to the Wiesenthal Clinic in California to have them dissect it. They will then figure out what kind of treatments may kill my cancer. They test it against everything out there....chemo's, drugs..etc.  I am hoping to get these results this week. I have an appointment on the 3rd to see Dr. McChemo / Sarcoma. 

I'm not feeling sad anymore. I still have my moments, but I don't like to be Debbie Downer! I can't live like that, in a depressed state.  You can't always change the cards you were dealt. I do control other things that are important. The things that make life easier. I just hate not smiling. 

Smile & enjoy the day. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pathology & Sadness

I came on to check up on some friends & to blog about my Dr's appointment. 
But, as soon as I started typing I felt this wave of anger & sadness. 
My pathology:   I had sarcoma in both my parotid gland & a another tumor Doc removed above it. My lymph nodes that were removed in my neck had no spreading! That was great news. 

I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm tired, I'm angry, and  I'm sad. I have another tumor growing on the right parotid gland. All I think about is when am I going to get it removed. How much is going to grow?

My body is so achy & my back is so sore. I walk, sit, and lye down and I don't feel comfortable.  I can't sleep a full night without waking up 5-10 times. I can't watch t.v because I feel like the stitches in my neck are pulling. I have to keep my head straight and with my right eye being partially blind, it's hard. I am so afraid of damaging my belly incision that  I wear my waistband as tight as possible. I feel like my insides are falling out when I take it off. When I take a shower, I hold my stomach. I am deathly afraid of sneezing! It's happened a few times and the pain is horrible. 
I can't take the pain meds. I get sick & nauseous. I guess they weren't kidding when they said a month recovery. 

Elsa what the hell are we doing? I am hoping you have some words to get me through this. I think the detox of medication & anesthesia is putting me into a "Leave me alone, I need to feel sorry for myself comma!" 

Time will heal. Then more surgery and more healing. Maybe they won't shave my head next time. 

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Day 8

Hi Folks,

Just letting you know that I am doing great. I have an appointment Tuesday to see Doc about my pathology report and to get my glittering staples removed. I am resting, eating great       (start juicing people) & have been getting lot's of exercise ( walking outside around my house...what a blast). I ventured out today & spent some nice time at my in-laws. It was nice to get out of the house & enjoy this beautiful  summer rainy day. I do enjoy the way it smells outside...wet cut grass. Nothing better!
Although I have been healing fast, I am feeling a bit under the weather...and not because I haven't seen the sun in 2 weeks. I am actually happy about that. I don't feel guilty (staples and all) for taking naps and watching movies all day. It's the healing process, and I always get a bit sad after surgery.  I feel great & clean that some of the nasty cancer tumors are out. But, I still  know that  I have more tumors/cancer friends chilling out in my head. I know that I my battle isn't over.  I just wish it was.  As much as I am curious about my results, I wish I could just get wonderful news. Instead of hearing, " Tumors were removed and now for Radiation/Chemo/Shots & how about a few pills!"   I would love to hear," You are clean, healthy & never going to have to deal with this ever again! Go on your vacation to Europe & don't worry about a thing."  I think all  of us Cancer chickens think this way. And even when you get that  good the back of your head you are still hoping is stays that way.  Great news forever. And, Yes my day will come. For now I will feel sad here and there and just fight. Tumors are out and my belly is flat...I am very happy about that.  I can feel the other tumor in my right Parotid gland. I roll my eyes thinking about having that removed. More surgery, yah. I just have to keep chugging pretty heals of course.

Speaking of shoes.....I think a trip to Bergdorf's shoe department might cheer me up. 

Special Prayers to Elsa. I am thinking out you pretty lady! I hope you are feeling better. So much good energy is coming your way! Heal up quick.

Love, M

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tumors in a Cooler!

The first picture was taken three days after surgery. Paul was sending my tumors to the clinic in the Bahamas.
The last three were taken today, my pretty sparkly head. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Happiness is a journey

Happiness is a journey
not a destination      -souza

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served a debt to be paid, At last it dawned on me that these obstacles  were my life. This perspective had helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits  for  no one.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Aloha from Stiich


Michelle ( that's me) will be having her name changed....starting.......NOW. 
Please call me Stitches.

I'm laughing at my last blog! Pain pills and blogging should be illegal! I went back an fixed all the ridiculous typos. Now that I am feeling better (and can spell) I thought I would check in and fill you in on how I really feel. 
I'm glad I got the hernia surgery done at the same time. I thought recovering from that would take longer than my head. But after looking in the mirror I may be wrong. Doc did a great job getting the tumors out, especially the large one ( a grape Paul!) in my parotid gland. One concern was the weakening and bruising of the nerve that would leave me with a droopy face for weeks to months. I woke up perfect. The nerve had no damage. Doc was very surprised and happy. I am too, less drool I have to clean up. 
My incision is from the top of my head (ugh they shaved my head a little, so not cool), and follows down the left side along the front of my ear. Then behind the ear and under the neck. He removed some lymph nodes there too. He said they looked clean, except for one lymph node seemed spongy. Pathology will tell us all. 
My ear looks like I boxed Tyson, but  I didn't win. I am so swollen and bruised.  My stomach is in bad shape too. I keep a tight binder wrapped around it all day. I feel like an organ is just going to decide it needs a vacation and walk right out. I am holding it all in, they'll need  a passport in order to cross this belly button. 
I don't have much pain. Just the occasional throbbing of my boxing ear and when I try to pick a random object (tissue, sock, lip gloss) off the floor  with my toe ( I can't bend over). This stupid way of thinking actually hurts me more.
A. I never get what I am trying to get anyway 
B. I end up in pain from straining my belly. 

A Positive Happy list

1. Picked weeds from my garden 
2. Played Scrabble with Robbles (my bro Robert, aka Robbles) on my sunny deck and won! But,     He did nickname me stitches.
3. Ordered an adorable bikini for my new flat belly. 
4. Took a really long afternoon nap
5. Pooped! Drugs make me constipated! I'm a happy girl!
6. Paul ( my nanny)  gave me the best shower & made me sparkly clean

Thanks for the emails, cards, palm trees, coloring books & support. 
With more love than ever before,

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Morphine update

I'm not going to sugar coat this surgery. Friday was just awful. I woke up thinking that I made a big mistake and just wanted to take it all back. I was holding my stomach in so much pain. My head was throbbing.  I hate how you feel when you are waking up during a lovely morphine trip. It's the worst feeling.  I knew I needed to get off of the morphine! 
Paul took me home early this afternoon. I still have 2 drains in with staples and a pretty glued together stomach. I feel horrible and just want the next few days to pass quickly.
Doc  was very happy  with the few tumors he removed. We sent them off to the Bahamas and California for some testing & to make a vaccine. 
Now, I just need to heal up  and get back on my feet. 

Thanks for the love and Prayers
Hugs, Michelle

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Surgery # ?

 Surgery # ? ( I have to figure that out) 
Friday, June 12th 2009

That is my surgery date. I will stay in for a day or two. I know you think I am crazy, but I actually enjoy the hospital. It will give me a day to rest and come out of my comatose sleepy state before I venture home. 
I asked Doc  to please take out another tumor while he was at it. He was hesitant to say yes, but after a while said it would be o.k. He will have to make a bigger incision. I just think the more I can pop out the better. Isn't it great that I think it's just so easy to pop them out. Wish it was that simple.  The tumor is already getting bigger. I wonder what happened. I still can't figure out why all of the sudden they started growing again. Was the 12 weeks of Brivanib working? What was it? I get frustrated trying to think about what changed. Where is the miracle cure?

My next 2 weeks will be filled with juicing, cleansing and eating really well. I heal so well and want to be in great shape going into this surgery. I know that my stomach will be the worst. 

Please say loving healing prayers for my friend Adina. She is the sweetest and has been on an incredible journey. She just ended the Brivanib too and is starting a new drug. Love you Adina.

Thanks friendly bloggers.

Hugs & cleansing,

Monday, May 25, 2009

Tomorrow ,I will find out how crappy my summer is going to be. I start out with Dr Sarcoma in the morning. Dr. Tumor remover in the afternoon and the blood sucking vampire nurses after. I love pre-op. They go over all the questions. I still don't know if they are blind or just like me saying NO five hundred times in a row. 
I learned my lesson and now  start out like this.
NO, NO and NO! The answer to all the question is NO. I don't have heart disease, NO hearing aids and NO dentures.  

I think I will be counting backwards on June 11th. No sure yet. I put in a request. But, really want to get his over with.  I was told the recovery may be about a month. Oh right what am I doing....I am getting a tumor removed from my left parotid gland and then my hernia fixed on my stomach. Flat, Flat & very flat please!  Dr. Adorable will be putting me back together. I laughed at him the other day in his office when he sat and told me that no ones stomach is totally flat. Yeah right Doc...Mine was before you cut into me. Totally flat...totally FLAT!


Friday, May 22, 2009

Keep it clean! Happy Memorial Weekend

I know everyone has there quirks. But, there are some things that really bother me & as I get older it's getting harder to hide it. 

My Number one  is the absolute grossness, OTHER PEOPLES GERMS! It's something that I see coming even before it happens. I fumble with my handbag right before Paul introduces me to someone. I pretend to have something in my eye to keep from shaking a hand hello.  Oh please, and don't get me started with,"The Kiss". The worst way for any of us to express, "Hey how are you? Just spoke to you on the phone about an hour ago, glad you made it to dinner! Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Germs on my cheek, Kiss, bad breath, Kiss & was that slime on the Kiss... Gag".   Family & close friends can get away with this...strangers...stay away!

Planes drive me nuts!  I know those volume controls are not getting cleaned ( Kerrin you may want to defend yourself on this one!). My friends think I'm strange when I get back from the bathroom before takeoff with a wet cloth and sanitizer.  I wipe down every inch I may come in contact with over the course of the flight.  And, yes I get my friends area too & the stranger sitting next to me. I then explain the germs of travel until they nod with an understanding.

Now let's talk about Valet Parkers. Oh the lovely way they sit in the car for 2 minutes and have the radio stations reprogrammed, the seat looks like a whale leaned back for a nap & the entire windshield is covered with fingerprints because they can't figure out how to stick the stupid claim ticket under the wiper!  Which they end up leaving under the wiper and I spend the entire ride home annoyed that it's on and hopefully at the next like I can take it off. I usually spend minutes cleaning the steering wheel, blinker ,headlight knob,  headrest, and every  other button on the dashboard. I drive away with one finger on the wheel gagging & wondering why I didn't just park myself. 

My Second biggest complaint is garbage on the street, highways...beach. This I will discuss in greater detail on another post. Just warn your family & friends about what may happen  the next time I see someone throw a piece of garbage or gum out the window while driving! People's rudeness to Mother Earth is driving me to the looney bin!

My Grossness List: Door handles, phones, other people's phones, Forks & glasses in restaurants, shaking hands, touching my kindle( check out my flight to California), Planes, Trains, Bathrooms (ugh), handrails, other people using my chapstick, NEVER!,  Blockbuster movie cases, magazines at the nail salon, remote controls, trying on shoes in the store (thank god for peds), walking barefoot through airport security, automatic flushing toilets ( Olive I got your back baby!) ....oh there is so much more. 

Keep it clean, wash your hands. Sanitize the heck out of your steering wheel!

Happy Clean Memorial Day

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Mall Robber!

I have to share this with everyone. I am still pissed about what happened, but feel very lucky that nothing was taken.

I parked in the back on Bloomingdales at the Walt Whitman mall today. I walked in through the mens entrance to return an item. I was in & out in a matter of minutes. I got home & realized that the back middle break light was broken. It's cover was gone and the piece was pushed in. I reached my hand in and found out that I could pop open my trunk! Someone broke the light to get my trunk open! I then realized that my wallet, tennis racket & a beautiful pair of Monolo's were in my trunk! 
Thank the heavens that nothing was missing! I think that I scared the burglars! I bet that they didn't think I would be so quick. They underestimated my shopping ability! They never got into the trunk.

I called the mall police and gave a report and also offered my assistance in scoping the parking lot. He told me they could use me on the roof with binoculars if I ever wanted a job as a detective.

Mercedes is getting a mouth full tomorrow. They are now responsible for the making of a stupid trunk!

Be careful!
Love Michelle

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Brivanib didn't work.

Ready for the great news...... The tumors are growing. The clinical trial for Brivanib didn't work. 

Doc wrote me a prescription for a drug called Sirolimus.  It's taped to my kitchen cabinet. It has bad side affects and destroys the immune system. I am not sure if I want to take it. I walk past it and just stare. I already hate it and I haven't even tried it.  

I asked Doc about my other options. He said  clinical trials are not good for me right now. He told me I  should  talk to my other Dr's about surgery, chemotherapy & radiation.  I have appointments lined up for the next couple of weeks.

When is this going to end? 

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Testing 1,2,3

Every 4 weeks I can plan on a few things to come without surprise. Pms,  Mri's & Blood work. Yes, folks it's that time of month, again.
Thursday started with a lovely 3 hour drinking yummy raspberry juice and Ct scan of my lower abdominal area. Fun times! Tomorrow & Tuesday I will enjoy Mri's & heart tests long with some weigh in's, blood work. The nurse  will ask me every 5 minutes what my name  & birth date are. One day I am going to change my name and freak them all out. That's going to be fun!

I will check in on Wednesday with results. Right now I am heading to bed with heartburn  from my pills and a chill from the lovely rain we are getting. You have to love spring showers.

Hugs & kisses to all.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

California Dreams

I never thought I would have so many funny stories from an 8 day trip! Not an acid mushroom kind of actual vacation. 
I left last wednesday and flapped my wings to Portland, Oregon to see my sister-in-laws and beautiful niece Olive. I received an education about garden snakes that I agree now everyone should have as a pet. Embedded in my brain are a few kiddie songs about ducks & friendship, found a fabulous doll & hiked the forests to give back 2 very special frogs. Olive, Nance and I drove to watch my first Rodeo.  I am not a big fan about the way they handle the cows, but am impressed on how tight those cowboys wear there jeans. I sat on the bleachers & tried to come up with a way I could wear 3 inch heels, ride a horse in a  cowgirl hat and not step in horse poop.  

After a great couple of days I headed over to San Francisco. I am now thankful for those fantastic songs, because they got me through the hour and a half plane ride with a man who slurped tomato juice,  scratched his crotch, and gave me a graphic description of how his wife  delivered his son! Yes, he explained the whole birthing process to me, stretched out vagina & placenta goo. Yep...gotta love it.
He carefully reached into my dance space (thank you Baby!)  for my Kindle ( little electronic book).  I jerked into the isle  hitting stewardesses trying to cover it from his germie hands.  I had to laugh when the guy behind me giggled for the entire flight while my  piggy neighbor spit peanuts all over me! 

After the Hell ride I was chauffeured by my beautiful friend Cindi.  I met Cindi in Boston during my stay last year. We are Proton Radiation survivors! We are two peas in a pod. We have  both endured similar surgery's ( pretty forehead bumps)  and treatments. Only a few understand the journey & I am so thankful to have her in my life.  It's been a year and we celebrated with walks of the beach, yoga ( I'd move just to have classes with the gorgeous instructor...california surfer-yoga dudes!) & champagne.
The highlight was definitely the shopping trips. A cute little shop in Tiberon, that required us to make an appointment for a 1 on 1 shopping experience. Having one dressing room, it  left us running around  naked in the store hoping a passerby didn't see us through the  store window. The lovely owner  of this store was the proud beauty queen of large cheek implants! We nick-named her squirrely or a.k.a.  squirrel cheeks! This is after Cindi told her that she looked familiar and it MUST be  because of her cheeks! I almost died and walked backwards leaving my friend to defend herself with hangers and Jimmy Choo's if she needed to.

My Peaceful trip had lead me to believe that I am suppose to be living in California. 
My goal is to convince Paul to move , join the Mill Valley yoga studio, surf  & shop with squirrel face forever! 

With all my California dreaming love,

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The sweetest Dream

Dear Insomniac's,

I usually wake up during the witches hour,  between 3-4 am every night. It could be that my house sounds like it was just hit by a tornado. The wind is so strong the alarm (back off burger-lers....Ha!) on the windows keeps beeping with alerts. Which is ironic since I  was talking with two friends  about alarms this evening.
What did wake me up was my dream. I have always had detailed, colorful, real dreams and remember 90% of them. This one got me thinking. My fears are coming out & I am finally getting answers. This fear is worse to me than dying, because death I am not afraid of. But living without leaving behind something...scares me.   I want to be remembered. 
For the past few months I have been back & forth with Paul about the idea of a surrogate mother or adopting a baby. I have heard from Doctors and was told (& felt) getting pregnant is just not in my cards.  I have been through all the emotions. Let's just wait and see what happens...maybe down the road you will have a baby of your own (words from all). 

Now for the dream part..... I was standing in a kitchen stirring a pot of Rice-A-Roni ( I never make this! ). I had a flowered ruffled shirt on . Paul was standing behind me, holding me.  Bells were chiming in the background &  a man walked in and asked  us, " Is the clock ok?". I looked down at my pregnant belly, smiled and said, "yes". 

The clock? The only thing that I think of is belly took time. Does that make any sense. You can add your  own input if you like. I would love to hear what everyone thinks.  I woke with that feeling of urgency  being lifted from me. I think my dream has helped me rid myself free of that fear. Maybe one day I will enjoy the bliss of pregnancy.

I know my pregnant friends are going to call me and remind me about the not-so fun things! 

Sweet Dreams

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Daryl Katz & My New Eyebrows

I was just putting on my makeup and admiring my beautiful perfect eyebrows. Everyone has been complimenting me, standing way too close to check them out!  I want to share my experience with everyone and give hope to all that has invisible or no eyebrows! 

I never thought at 30,  I would be so self conscious! Especially of the little things I have always taken for granted, 2 little things.  I remember Dr. Chan  from MGH  sliding  across the floor on her chair to give me all the pro's and con's of Proton Radiation. Your cancer will be zapped, but you will most likely go blind in your right eye and loose some hair on your forehead and eyebrow.  It will not grow back.  I looked right at her and said, WAIT A MINUTE, The blind thing I can deal with, the no eyebrow thing we need to talk about! 
Weeks went by , the drain clogged,  because the chemotherapy was thinning my hair. And then the day came that my eyebrow was gone.  Not two...ONE! I was devastated! I spent a whole year using pencils, stencils, glue on fake hair brows & trying miracle lotions that would make it grow. What a crock! Don't waste your money, nothing worked.
 I finally started to ask around and 2 friends recommended Daryl Katz.  She was wonderful at permanent makeup. I got her number and got a quick appointment to see her. After a year of laughs and tears of not having a brow, I am a proud owner of not one, but 2 beautifully tattooed sexy eyebrows.

Daryl specializes in many other beauty needs. She also recommended a great skin care product that has already taken away the signs of radiation & evened out my skin tone. I am finally feeling back to my old self again. 
I also want to share with you how lovely Daryl  & her husband Roger were to me through this process. There kindness made it so much easier.  Here is her contact information,  I highly recommend her. 

Daryl & Roger Katz
239 Jericho Turnpike
Syosset, New York 11791

(516) 496-9797

Peace & love, 

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Reporting late

I have to share!

I am blogging at midnight because I never want to forget this spectacular feeling! I am certain that I am on and have been on the Brivanib! I know I said I was on the Placebo..but I did something different. Just like you Elsa, I hate taking the pills and had to figure out another way to take them. When I take them right before bed I get heartburn or one gets stuck in my throat & feels funny. I decided to pop them around 9:30 this evening. Right now I am dizzy, thirsty & exhausted! This is fantastic! I guess my body is getting use to them! My blood pressure is up & I feel like I just downed a bottle of Champagne (feeling tipsy) , gotta love the Brivanib!

That means the pills are working and no more guessing games. 

Monday, March 23, 2009

Spring 2009

Happy Spring!

Paul & walked up a few blocks before my appointment to the St Patrick's Day Parade & then headed back to the hospital for the rest of  my tests.  I had all my fun scans to figure out what's going on in my pretty head. Good news is that I am still STABLE!  This is wonderful & I don't have to go back for another month. I have been stable for 8 weeks now.  I am still on the Brivanib  trial. I still think I am on the placebo...but again last night I felt a little off  after I took them. Who knows what's going on!

St Patricks 09'


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Last Year

I was getting dressed and as I grabbed a shirt, a wave of complete sadness came over me. This happens to me sometimes and I always say it's a reminder of how far I have come. But, I still hate the feeling and am debating if I should throw this shirt out( it's so darn cute). When I came home from Boston I got rid off clothes that reminded me of treatment.  I kept a few things, because I love clothes and couldn't part with them. 
And,  just as I was getting upset I thought about the date. I grabbed my old  journal and read last years entry. It was just around this time.

March 14th 08
I am past the 1/2 way point. I finished 16 radiation treatments and 3 Chemotherapy treatments. I feel like shit! Headaches, belly pains, muscle soreness, back pain, Jimmy legs, burnt skin, dry eyes, nose, mouth...all the things they said would happen , did. 
It's funny that only 2% are allergic to the Taxatere Chemo drug that they gave me. I love being part of the 2%. 
I am finally catching up on my emails. All I can talk about is Boston,  treatments and the weather. Oh, and my precious dogs that I miss so much. 
Paul and I will stay in Boston this weekend. I don't feel like driving home. 

Time fly's by very quickly. But the memories are always still there. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I am the proud owner of 2 beautiful eyebrows! After a year of penciling them (one) on, I finally got them tattooed! I have conquered the water rides and lost one, sweated it off in the heat & even snorkeled knowing I was coming up for air with one!  I will miss penciling on an angry eye & wiping it off to get free stuff ( YES, I am guilty of pulling out the Cancer eyebrow-less card!)
I have spent more $ on pencils, waterproof makeup & my favorite glue on real hair brows! Those are the best. It's like blonde pubic hair in the shape of a brow! Those should be banned!

Thank you to all my Eyebrow helpers.
Kerrin for helping me from the beginning, The Girls at RJ West for a year of penciling  & Daryl for Tattooing my pretty eyebrows.


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Results are in! I am not talking about the Oscars you crazy Brad Pitt lovers!
My scan showed that my tumors are stable! 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sweet Brivanib Dreams

Brivanib Dreamland! This is the lovely place that I will be dreaming about tonight.
I have been so sure about this Placebo. But, tonight 1/2 and hour after taking my triplets (3 pills!) I felt off. I was light headed and Brivanib groggy! Maybe I am just tired.  My mind plays funny tricks on me.  I can't fathom these tumors getting bigger. Especially the ones on my head. I am going to be walking around town with horns soon.  Tumors popping out of my head! Forget the eyebrow! I am going to need caution tape wrapped around me at all times. I am waiting for triplet heartburn to wear off so I can go to sleep. 
Tomorrow I get scan results. I also get to talk with Dr Doom about the next step.

Vent Section (read on with Caution) 
Stupid, stupid pills! Stupid cancer and stupid doctors with stupid mri machines! ughghhg I hate it all and I hate heartburn!  ahhahahhaha 

Now I am ready for bed!
Sweet Dreams 

P.s Please send good energy to my friend Billy. Love to Cindy, Anna,  Gail, Elsa, Elizabeth, Adina & all my ROCKIN friends.  Baby Belly Rubs to Georgia & Mary Kay! Kisses to Kerryanne for letting me make corn pasta and for being apart of the band!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Shells, Scans and Friendships

Here are some of the beautiful pictures that I took on my trip to Costa Rica.  I am looking forward to going back to discover the rain forests and beautiful beaches. We had an amazing trip. 

Today February 17th

After finding the perfect parking spot (always happens when I am running late) a mile from the train station......I caught it in time to make my Pet scan appointment. I would just like to know why I am still so nervous about needles and why I haven't gotten use to them.
This is what happened without adding drama (o.k. a little drama!). Needle went in, I squirmed, Radioactive dye (blahha) missed my vein, Arm swelled up, I cried in pain, Nurse said sorry, I turned white, Nurse got a pillow, I cried, Nurse took the needle out and tried the other arm, Nurse said sorry again,  I cried, Radioactive dye (crap) went in, I felt better. Then I drank the raspberry yummy and waited my turn....same as always. I still hate needles. I know that I got the Placebo. I gained 2 pounds and have felt great. I can eat and not feel sick to my stomach.I meant to check my blood pressure today ( Elsa! I forgot to ask!). I have really low pressure, but the Brivanib makes it high. So, I figured if it was low....then I know for a fact that it's the placebo. I am a genius! 
I will get my results on Friday.

I caught a ride on the MSKCC fun bus to 53rd and was able to have a lovely chat with my friend Adina.  She is an amazing, beautiful young women full of life & inspiration. I sat with her while she was doing the  Brivanib clinical study ( her long day) at the hospital.  I felt so comfortable, like I have known her for years. I know we have been through different things (cancer crap) but, it's like we have this bond.  A friendship that has already blossomed. Because, without saying a word we know how hard it's been. The tears, fears & of course the strength that has gotten us through all of it.  
Adina found me from my blog! On the friday before I left for Costa Rica she came up to me in hospital. Adina & her husband Chaim told me that the only reason she was starting it was because of me. She read my blog and after I spoke about the trial she wanted to do it. 
Today Adina gave me a Thank You card. I opened it on the train. While tears poured out  I searched my bag to find a hanky ( yes, I have them and it's usually up my sleeve). In the card she gave me 2 lovely sayings. This one I love...

What lies behind us, 
and what lies before us 
are tiny matters 
compared to what lies 
within us.

Thank you Adina. I love your passion for life &  your beautiful soul.  I loved sitting with  you today and will always be here if you need me. Doctors & shopping trips are a part of my friendship package. 

With Love,