Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fliying wreck

I am sitting in the Charlotte airport waiting for my next flight to the Bahamas. For the past few days I have had this question whooshing through my mind. Watching this lady next to me scarf down a cinna-bun covered in thick processed sugar reminded me how different I am. How can she eat that crap?

The burning question.............Now what?

What is there to do in the recovery/waiting world? I was reading in a cancer book that recovering from Cancer is sometimes longer than actually going through the treatment. Great..I have about 3 years to mourn the loss of this? I think I got over my high school boyfriend quicker!

I am just a little confused about who I am right now. Am I in Remission? What the heck am I? I am trying to figure out ( in my mind) what to say when someone asks about my rubber Sarcoma bracelet. Or why I have scars all over my neck. Am I cancer free? Or do I keep the lie about getting into a knife fight in Miami over stolen drugs?

I am more scared that the next few months are going to give me an ulcer. How the hell am I going to wait until December for my next scan. I am not a fan of the waiting game. It give me Diarrhea!

Right now I am going to board this plane to vaccine land and hope the person next to me doesn't carry the swine flu. If one more person sneezes I am going to freak out. I am about to walk around the airport with sanitizer.


Erin said...

Oh, Michelle, I am praying for you. As you take time to reconfigure your life--a life without cancer--I will hold you up in prayer. What a strange feeling it must be to try to let go of something that has been such a strong focus in your life, to push it to the bqck burner, or erase it all together. As to who you are? Oh, too much to put in one comment, but try this for starters: You are beautiful, you are strong, you are caring, you are in love, you are funny, you are FABULOUS!

Anonymous said...

Hey, you used to eat that "crap" too. Do I need to remind you of a case of Cadbury Eggs and a lonely Valentines Day? LOL So, don't forget - we've been there too, we need to educate not judge. ;-)

And yes, you got over your MANY high school boyfriends quicker. ;-)

You LOVE making up stories when you travel - the scars will be a fun tool for that. hehe

You've always been germaphobic. I'm going to start calling you Monk. ;-)

I love you and let me know how I can help anytime. You will find yourself again. That's what life is about - evolving, refining. Call my mom if you want - she's been through what you have and just made 6 years C-free.

Love you.

Kathy said...

Oh, when I see a person eating a Cinnabon or a cheeseburger, I just wish I can have one too! Our whole lives have been changed and you're kind of where I was when I was going through my divorce. Life was one way for a long long time. For months and months, I could not go forward but I knew it was impossible to go back. It was like riding on the highway waiting to merge into traffic. Who I was without my marriage, on my own, became clearer as time went on. In some ways, I felt like the phoenix rising up from the ashes. So it will be for you as long as you are open to opportunities presented. Just keep looking for that opening.