Tuesday, December 27, 2011


The JOLLY days of December! 
Merry Christmas & Happy Chanukah. 

I think Paul and I just recovered from the Christmas weekend. I have such a great time every year....this one was a little different. For one, I feel awful. Driving around Long Island was not the greatest for me. There was no pressure from our families. If I wanted to sleep all day, it would of been fine. They understand. It's me that over did it. I was completely exhausted Christmas Eve getting home super late. I felt it creeping up all day. How many times can you swap out the pain patches and move them around. Christmas morning was nice waking up and enjoying the moment with Paul and our doggies. It really is may favorite to curl up on the couch with the tree lit. 

Moving on... all the decorations are down and the tree is getting kicked out on Friday! 

The New Year is beginning. It's also the first time that I don't believe that a new year will bring better things. I need to make things good in my life. I make my path. It's not the year or date, a number change. It's me that makes the change. Some things we can't change. Roll with the punches and try to smile. That's with everything. Our daily choices, diet, negative energy, positive energy...all the decisions we make. 

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. 

I think I need a new pair of heels. They make me smile and I need a new pair to walk around the house in. The weirdest things make me happy. 

I thought my throat was getting better. NOPE! I just tried to eat and it hurts too much. I force myself because I don't want to be hungry. Right now, I give up. I would rather be hungry. I have been getting shakes down with my good vitamin mixture. I am not malnourished or lacking anything. I just can swallow whole food. Soft with sauce or something that can coat my throat. 
My back and rib pain is worse now than it has ever been. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I had my first treatment. Last night was one of my worse nights. Paul begs me to take the pain meds. I have been trying to avoid them. I am back to loving them...my friends. They also keep me home more and I relax. 

Frank you are so right! Water is the worst...actually most liquids are. I wish every restaurant had milkshakes on there menu! Ok..coconut, almond milk shakes. I started traveling with them. I premix and take them to go. 
Please! Please! I need some love and good support sent to my friend Frank. He is my SPOHNC buddy & Cycle leader and is going through a very tough time right now. Dealing with a very difficult change in his life. Just know that we are all here for you. You may feel alone.....but you are not.  I , WE have all been there.  Maybe not the same...but many have been. Cancer will not define us! You are allowed to be upset....go with it. This totally stinks for you right now and will for a while. 
Frank....we can head south and just tell the Doctors to go away! I have a passport that could use some stamps! 

I will post in a day or two about my 2011. What I learned in a year! What I wish I could have avoided. 
This will be fun and I'm not holding anything back. Stay tuned. 

Love & Peace,
The Grinchness
MichellefromLongIsland (love this)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Blend it up Baby!

Holy........you know what! The doctors were right about one thing. Give it two weeks and the side effects will kick in.  I can't even drink water without the feeling of choking.  I have thrown up almost everything. That feeling of something getting stuck in you throat, ten times worse. Like razor blades going down and then Crap it's stuck and you can't swallow. I have been using the lidocane, mallox mouth wash. I put it on a spoon and let it glide down my throat. YuCk! YUck! YuCK!
My back feels ten times worse than it did when the tumors were there.  I am still using the patches all over, its the only thing beside Ativan that gets me to sleep. They must be really pissed off. My nerves are like lightning bolts of sharp pains. I have never felt so awful. Wait....Boston...Chemo and Radiation combo, that was the worst. I would take another brain surgery! When will it end?? It's been months. Could you beleive I was stupid enough to think it was a pulled muscle! I was so stupid. My stupid bones and liver! 

Eating.....I am getting use to it and finding things that work for me. Frank, I know you said don't worry about my diet.  I have to worry, because my body isn't use to eating somethings.
I can't do it anymore! I tried the milk thing...yuck. Ice cream ( Rocky Road was my best friend) and anything like it makes so much mucus and my mouth is worse. 
I just finished treatment to my face and I am still in recovery from that. I have so many issues.

Coconut milk (yummy), frozen fruit, banana....that's a nice blended breakfast.  I made taco's! Remember this is all made possible by my magic bullet! Black olives, cheese, veggies and sour cream ( I need it to mush and help swallow), in a bowl. Yummy. Earl made me yummy soup. Kerry Ann made me...what are we calling it?? Veggie happiness. Tonight I mushed some  brown rice (bad idea, gets stuck) and slowly chewed edimame until it was mini to swallow. 

I know understand what it feels like to not be able to eat. I have dropped  a few pounds this week. Dare I tell the doctors? They are still trying to figure out why I have nickle size bruises all over my body. I just got one on my hand. All over one side of my body. It's really strange. 

I keep thinking about what to do now. Chemotherapy? My poor body! Why is this happening, when do I get a break?  I can't even hold the tears back...I just want to be left alone. I feel helpless about this decision. I want to do nothing. I am doing my Cellect everyday, 4 times. ( go to bottom to get Cellect info) No more coffee. I eat good. Lot's of supplements. I will get off this gross medication when I am out of pain. I cleanse my liver with teas everyday. Wellness center helps with digestive stuff.  I have to find something else to keep my energy & immune system strong. I can't control the cancer if it spreads. I can't fix myself! When people ask what my plan is I try to ignore it. I don't want a plan or another pill schedule.
I am getting these stupid 5 dot radiation tattoo's off of me. They are small, little reminders and I hate them. 

AFM...Fart Man...Buddy...I am doing good. Getting through it. Thanks for checking in with me. How are you doing? 

Christmas Weekend
Tomorrow my brother Robert is graduating from the NYC Police academy! Congratulations! It's so amazing and I am the proudest sister! 

I am working Friday at Rexer Parkes in Huntington if anyone wants to visit or shop. I can help you shop! Beautiful women's clothing and we now have Custom Tailored Men's Wear by Josephs. 

Saturday will be another long day. Looking forward to spending time with my family, everyone will be there. Happy Birthday to Brian! My brother was born on Christmas.  Double the gifts. Then we will head to Paul's brothers house  to see everyone too.  Our nephews have gotten so big. I can't even shop for them! Toys are not even a thing, Cash! Perfec, I have no idea what ot buy for anyone any more. That's why no gifts is the best idea. Just food and laughs. Blended of course. Great for me! This really stinks! Really! Thanksgiving I had no taste buds and now this! UGh! New book idea , "How to keep a  cancer girl skinny! " 

Sunday is relax day. Christmas morning is my favorite. I love waking up and being super excited and I am not sure why I still get that way. It's exciting. The build up till Christmas, the tree and stockings.

I keep busy, better than feeling the torture inside of me. I smile all day...I am living!
Pain medicine will be my holiday eggnog. 
A new year of nothing but making it about healing me. 

Check out me and my  Cycle Team!  Franks Cyclers are kicking butt! I have to get my outfit ready for cycling in FebruaRy! I will make sure everyone has the deatils. I am floored by the love and support. 
Copy and Paste:   http://mskcc.convio.net/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=1602&team_id=16652

Goodnight Everyone :) The biggest Hugs

To learn about CELLECT
Call National Cancer Research Foundation. 
www.ncrf.org or toll free 1-877-cancer-free or 631-584-3100 (Ny Call)
It's a powder I take with a ton of good things. Worth the call, ask for Steve. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tumors are gone! Blown Up!

I woke up in the morning to two beautiful pink roses next to my bed. My husband picked them for me, December roses in N.Y. I don't know how I did. I couldn't of gotten through the past month without the patience and love from my amazing husband. I have been unbearable at times.  Pain running though my whole body. He covers me in pain patches at night and tucks me in. He has to listen to me cry and wimper at all hours, waking him up. I am still doing the same routine of it, yet I feel calmer knowing it's coming to an end. Spinal tumors are gone...poof! 

Paul and I had a Christmas , Holiday Party Saturday evening. I was so happy to get dressed pretty. I wasn't going to let a silly treatment hold me back! It's nice to be able to enjoy life. I had two pain patches on under that dress! 

I had a very emotional , exhausting week with the radiation treatments. I was so scared that it was going to be painful.  They did tell me that I wouldn't feel anything. From my radiation hell background, I knew this was true.  I did feel nerve twitching and that was annoying when you can't move. 

Where do I begin.... Wednesday I got myself to a very calm drug overload. One of the doctors spoke with me on Tuesday to go over what I would be doing. It was over an hour on the table. Twenty five minutes of the treatment to the lower tumor on my T9 vertebrae.  I was so exhausted, I feel asleep. Twitching nerve feelings happened towards the end and woke me. I held back tears, I hate when they fall down the side of my face. I want to wipe them so bad and I can't move. My hair gets all wet and once....right into my ear. Tears in my ears, so very annoying.  
Paul and I got dinner after at our new place in Flushing, Korean Bbq.  I really hate trekking into the city just for doctor appointments. Grab a tea.... a stop at my favorite store, Anthropologie.  Paul made it a nicer day. Wiped my tears and was so supportive. 
Yes, I cried most of the day. I still couldn't believe that I walked into a room, fell asleep and WOL-LA, Tumor was exploded! Amazing. Overwhelming. 

Friday was the same kind of day. Treatment on the table was the same, 25 min.  This time  I came home and slept for hours. 

I was told that I would still feel uncomfortable for sometime.  It takes time for the pain to go away. Nerves are involved.  The tumors are dead, dying. I think of them like mini chocolate lava cakes. The melty ones in the middle you get at a restaurant.  When you put your fork in it starts to fall apart. I was thinking the tumors getting zapped are dying from the inside out. Takes a little time for it to disappear and my body is absorbing it. Tumor, not chocolate. It actually grosses me out. I am overdosing on Charcoal supplements. Yuck tumor in my body. Where is it going? 

I have been having more pain in my side and back. Different pains. The radiation field, 6 beams went through my body to get to the middle of each tumor. Doing this will  hit other areas. My lungs were touched and my throat, tracheae. This will cause a sore throat, problems swallowing, cough, feelings of a cold.  I feel stinky when I wake up in the morning.  Froggy and Groggy ( for you Paul) . The last few days I have been wiped out. Today I came home after being out only for a bit. I needed to relax and do nothing. My body was yelling at me. It's always yelling, I just don't listen.

That was gross...I just coughed up something beautiful! I am so disgusting.

Healing beautiful energy into my body! Loving every inch and feeding myself goodness. Peaceful days :)

Jingle Jingle!!!   

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


 Blogger Buddies!  I love all the comments and meeting new friends.
 Hello my Texan friend, Welcome. 

Tomorrow afternoon will be my first of six appointments that will continue over the next two weeks for the IGR. 

Nervous, petrified, alone....scared....just a few words. I am scared  to death. I just want a hug. 
I thought I would be happy that the day arrived. I don't even want to go. I know I will start walking through the halls and try to turn back. I am only doing this because I have pain and I want some relief.  

I am tired of pain patches, medication and heartburn! 

I taking a break after this and letting my body heal. I know I will get mixed reviews from friends and Family. I am exhausted! My bones, muscle.....every inch of me is screaming for a break. Back to back radiation is not good for my body. It can take years to recover.
I have been on a constant,"Lets kick Michelle down and beat the crap out of her pretty little body).  I am sick of everyone saying I look great!  

Look inside..  I am a HOT MESS. This is what I told Dr. Maki yesterday when my chart said diagnosis was  Sarcoma.   HOT MESS with a side of Sarcoma!

Wish me luck
Love a nice pretty girl who is a HOT MESS!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Three more days

I have nothing to write about. I have been in so much pain. It wraps around the whole left side, constant!
I feel like my ribs are broken. Three more days....and I was told that even after the tumor blowup it takes time for the pain to go away. My whole month of December will be spent at the hospital dealing with my spine....." my bone cancer." Ha! 
I can't do this anymore...I cry (like now) all the time, it just hurts so much.  I am very good at controlling  the agony. Keeping my mind busy....but it's just there all the time. 

I am seeing my other Oncologist tomorrow to talk. Very different opinions from all of them. Not really sure what my plan will be. Not even thinking about it right now. Absorbing some of it.

More positive blogging tomorrow. Very sleepy. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Cycle for Survival 2012

Cycle for Survival 2012

Dear Family, Friends and Supporters,

Many years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of Sarcoma Cancer. I am writing this letter to bring awareness to Rare Cancers and help me reach my goal while I Cycle for Survival in 2012!

Cycle for Survival is the annual, indoor relay-style team cycling event that has raised more than $9 million in support of lifesaving research on rare cancers at Memorial Sloan –Kettering Center, the nation’s preeminent center for cancer research and care. Research on rare cancers is often drastically under funded resulting in fewer opportunities to gain essential insights- the type of groundwork necessary to make new, lifesaving advancements and discoveries. In general there are fewer treatment options for patients with rare cancers because funding for drug development often lags behind more commercially viable drugs. Go to www.cylceforsurvival.org for more information, read Jennifer’s Story and the History of Cycle for Survival and studies.

For many years I have been walking the halls of Memorial Sloan- Kettering, my journey starting in 2002. The past few have been the real battle for me, testing my strength. My husband Paul, family and friends have been right beside me pushing me along, helping me through the struggles. Smiling on the great days and thankful for every moment I have been given. 
I am currently treating my new diagnosis of a rare Sarcoma metastasis to the spine and liver. Although I will be undergoing treatments, I am very much dedicated to cycle on February 4th, 2012 at the Equinox, Long Island New York. Together with my fellow Cancer survivors and fighters we are making a difference. We will not let anything slow us down!

Michelle’s 2012 Cycling Team
To make a donation, please copy and paste


You can also look under current teams, Franks Cyclers. You will see my name to donate.

Thank you for your love and support. Your donation will go a long way in helping find a cure for these challenging diseases.

 From the bottom of my heart,
Michelle Sabella Paternoster