Sunday, April 5, 2009

The sweetest Dream

Dear Insomniac's,

I usually wake up during the witches hour,  between 3-4 am every night. It could be that my house sounds like it was just hit by a tornado. The wind is so strong the alarm (back off burger-lers....Ha!) on the windows keeps beeping with alerts. Which is ironic since I  was talking with two friends  about alarms this evening.
What did wake me up was my dream. I have always had detailed, colorful, real dreams and remember 90% of them. This one got me thinking. My fears are coming out & I am finally getting answers. This fear is worse to me than dying, because death I am not afraid of. But living without leaving behind something...scares me.   I want to be remembered. 
For the past few months I have been back & forth with Paul about the idea of a surrogate mother or adopting a baby. I have heard from Doctors and was told (& felt) getting pregnant is just not in my cards.  I have been through all the emotions. Let's just wait and see what happens...maybe down the road you will have a baby of your own (words from all). 

Now for the dream part..... I was standing in a kitchen stirring a pot of Rice-A-Roni ( I never make this! ). I had a flowered ruffled shirt on . Paul was standing behind me, holding me.  Bells were chiming in the background &  a man walked in and asked  us, " Is the clock ok?". I looked down at my pregnant belly, smiled and said, "yes". 

The clock? The only thing that I think of is belly took time. Does that make any sense. You can add your  own input if you like. I would love to hear what everyone thinks.  I woke with that feeling of urgency  being lifted from me. I think my dream has helped me rid myself free of that fear. Maybe one day I will enjoy the bliss of pregnancy.

I know my pregnant friends are going to call me and remind me about the not-so fun things! 

Sweet Dreams


Elsa D. said...

Dear Michelle you have time. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You'll see in a few years they will have drugs that work better and we can think of other things like pregnancy.
Maybe it is not a good idea now but who knows ;)
... I carried Maya and my second tumor at the same time (I am glad we did not know it...I am sure my doctors would have not let me go through it...)
A big hug
warm weather=visit from Michelle. You have to come soon.

Daryl Katz said...

"is the clock o.k?"... It is only relative to the keeper of time. In your dream the keeper of time was a stranger, who is only a minor interruption, and perhaps serves as a reminder. You on the other hand were relaxed,peaceful,occupied and fulfilled. Busy preparing a meal for your husband and preparing for motherhood. The cooking clearly is symbolic of "the bun in the oven" The bells are symbolic of both time and love.(Referencing church bells and clock tower). The white shirt symbolizes peace,love purity and the sanctity of marriage.
However, you are the author of the dream, so only your interpretation is relevant.
The truth is that my two year old can't even tell time. Is his clock o.k? Yes, because the time is always right now. As It turned out, it was my clock that was not o.k. I was living only in a disturbing past and an uncertain future. Only recently have I become mindful that I must live now... in the precious present. Is your clock o.k Michelle? Yes,you answered your own question with a smile.