I usually wake up during the witches hour, between 3-4 am every night. It could be that my house sounds like it was just hit by a tornado. The wind is so strong the alarm (back off burger-lers....Ha!) on the windows keeps beeping with alerts. Which is ironic since I was talking with two friends about alarms this evening.
What did wake me up was my dream. I have always had detailed, colorful, real dreams and remember 90% of them. This one got me thinking. My fears are coming out & I am finally getting answers. This fear is worse to me than dying, because death I am not afraid of. But living without leaving behind something...scares me. I want to be remembered.
For the past few months I have been back & forth with Paul about the idea of a surrogate mother or adopting a baby. I have heard from Doctors and was told (& felt) getting pregnant is just not in my cards. I have been through all the emotions. Let's just wait and see what happens...maybe down the road you will have a baby of your own (words from all).
Now for the dream part..... I was standing in a kitchen stirring a pot of Rice-A-Roni ( I never make this! ). I had a flowered ruffled shirt on . Paul was standing behind me, holding me. Bells were chiming in the background & a man walked in and asked us, " Is the clock ok?". I looked down at my pregnant belly, smiled and said, "yes".
The clock? The only thing that I think of is time...my belly took time. Does that make any sense. You can add your own input if you like. I would love to hear what everyone thinks. I woke with that feeling of urgency being lifted from me. I think my dream has helped me rid myself free of that fear. Maybe one day I will enjoy the bliss of pregnancy.
I know my pregnant friends are going to call me and remind me about the not-so fun things!