Monday, June 29, 2009


It took me a day, but I cried it all out. I was exhausted and going crazy for being home so long. Two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, but believe me it is when you're floating around doing nothing. I knew it was time to venture out because I started to hate my bed! This always happens to me. I get uncomfortable and need to change my surroundings. 
One time I made Paul sleep in the opposite direction of our bed, because I was convinced that if our heads faced North we would sleep better. He did  and slept well.  I just got confused when I got up in the middle of the night to pee! 
I decided to fix  the un-comfy bed problem by buying soft pretty new sheets. It worked!  That night I crawled (sleeping pills in hand) into a comfy bed. 

This week in Dr News
I sent a piece of my tumor to the Wiesenthal Clinic in California to have them dissect it. They will then figure out what kind of treatments may kill my cancer. They test it against everything out there....chemo's, drugs..etc.  I am hoping to get these results this week. I have an appointment on the 3rd to see Dr. McChemo / Sarcoma. 

I'm not feeling sad anymore. I still have my moments, but I don't like to be Debbie Downer! I can't live like that, in a depressed state.  You can't always change the cards you were dealt. I do control other things that are important. The things that make life easier. I just hate not smiling. 

Smile & enjoy the day. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pathology & Sadness

I came on to check up on some friends & to blog about my Dr's appointment. 
But, as soon as I started typing I felt this wave of anger & sadness. 
My pathology:   I had sarcoma in both my parotid gland & a another tumor Doc removed above it. My lymph nodes that were removed in my neck had no spreading! That was great news. 

I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm tired, I'm angry, and  I'm sad. I have another tumor growing on the right parotid gland. All I think about is when am I going to get it removed. How much is going to grow?

My body is so achy & my back is so sore. I walk, sit, and lye down and I don't feel comfortable.  I can't sleep a full night without waking up 5-10 times. I can't watch t.v because I feel like the stitches in my neck are pulling. I have to keep my head straight and with my right eye being partially blind, it's hard. I am so afraid of damaging my belly incision that  I wear my waistband as tight as possible. I feel like my insides are falling out when I take it off. When I take a shower, I hold my stomach. I am deathly afraid of sneezing! It's happened a few times and the pain is horrible. 
I can't take the pain meds. I get sick & nauseous. I guess they weren't kidding when they said a month recovery. 

Elsa what the hell are we doing? I am hoping you have some words to get me through this. I think the detox of medication & anesthesia is putting me into a "Leave me alone, I need to feel sorry for myself comma!" 

Time will heal. Then more surgery and more healing. Maybe they won't shave my head next time. 

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Day 8

Hi Folks,

Just letting you know that I am doing great. I have an appointment Tuesday to see Doc about my pathology report and to get my glittering staples removed. I am resting, eating great       (start juicing people) & have been getting lot's of exercise ( walking outside around my house...what a blast). I ventured out today & spent some nice time at my in-laws. It was nice to get out of the house & enjoy this beautiful  summer rainy day. I do enjoy the way it smells outside...wet cut grass. Nothing better!
Although I have been healing fast, I am feeling a bit under the weather...and not because I haven't seen the sun in 2 weeks. I am actually happy about that. I don't feel guilty (staples and all) for taking naps and watching movies all day. It's the healing process, and I always get a bit sad after surgery.  I feel great & clean that some of the nasty cancer tumors are out. But, I still  know that  I have more tumors/cancer friends chilling out in my head. I know that I my battle isn't over.  I just wish it was.  As much as I am curious about my results, I wish I could just get wonderful news. Instead of hearing, " Tumors were removed and now for Radiation/Chemo/Shots & how about a few pills!"   I would love to hear," You are clean, healthy & never going to have to deal with this ever again! Go on your vacation to Europe & don't worry about a thing."  I think all  of us Cancer chickens think this way. And even when you get that  good the back of your head you are still hoping is stays that way.  Great news forever. And, Yes my day will come. For now I will feel sad here and there and just fight. Tumors are out and my belly is flat...I am very happy about that.  I can feel the other tumor in my right Parotid gland. I roll my eyes thinking about having that removed. More surgery, yah. I just have to keep chugging pretty heals of course.

Speaking of shoes.....I think a trip to Bergdorf's shoe department might cheer me up. 

Special Prayers to Elsa. I am thinking out you pretty lady! I hope you are feeling better. So much good energy is coming your way! Heal up quick.

Love, M

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tumors in a Cooler!

The first picture was taken three days after surgery. Paul was sending my tumors to the clinic in the Bahamas.
The last three were taken today, my pretty sparkly head. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Happiness is a journey

Happiness is a journey
not a destination      -souza

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served a debt to be paid, At last it dawned on me that these obstacles  were my life. This perspective had helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits  for  no one.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Aloha from Stiich


Michelle ( that's me) will be having her name changed....starting.......NOW. 
Please call me Stitches.

I'm laughing at my last blog! Pain pills and blogging should be illegal! I went back an fixed all the ridiculous typos. Now that I am feeling better (and can spell) I thought I would check in and fill you in on how I really feel. 
I'm glad I got the hernia surgery done at the same time. I thought recovering from that would take longer than my head. But after looking in the mirror I may be wrong. Doc did a great job getting the tumors out, especially the large one ( a grape Paul!) in my parotid gland. One concern was the weakening and bruising of the nerve that would leave me with a droopy face for weeks to months. I woke up perfect. The nerve had no damage. Doc was very surprised and happy. I am too, less drool I have to clean up. 
My incision is from the top of my head (ugh they shaved my head a little, so not cool), and follows down the left side along the front of my ear. Then behind the ear and under the neck. He removed some lymph nodes there too. He said they looked clean, except for one lymph node seemed spongy. Pathology will tell us all. 
My ear looks like I boxed Tyson, but  I didn't win. I am so swollen and bruised.  My stomach is in bad shape too. I keep a tight binder wrapped around it all day. I feel like an organ is just going to decide it needs a vacation and walk right out. I am holding it all in, they'll need  a passport in order to cross this belly button. 
I don't have much pain. Just the occasional throbbing of my boxing ear and when I try to pick a random object (tissue, sock, lip gloss) off the floor  with my toe ( I can't bend over). This stupid way of thinking actually hurts me more.
A. I never get what I am trying to get anyway 
B. I end up in pain from straining my belly. 

A Positive Happy list

1. Picked weeds from my garden 
2. Played Scrabble with Robbles (my bro Robert, aka Robbles) on my sunny deck and won! But,     He did nickname me stitches.
3. Ordered an adorable bikini for my new flat belly. 
4. Took a really long afternoon nap
5. Pooped! Drugs make me constipated! I'm a happy girl!
6. Paul ( my nanny)  gave me the best shower & made me sparkly clean

Thanks for the emails, cards, palm trees, coloring books & support. 
With more love than ever before,

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Morphine update

I'm not going to sugar coat this surgery. Friday was just awful. I woke up thinking that I made a big mistake and just wanted to take it all back. I was holding my stomach in so much pain. My head was throbbing.  I hate how you feel when you are waking up during a lovely morphine trip. It's the worst feeling.  I knew I needed to get off of the morphine! 
Paul took me home early this afternoon. I still have 2 drains in with staples and a pretty glued together stomach. I feel horrible and just want the next few days to pass quickly.
Doc  was very happy  with the few tumors he removed. We sent them off to the Bahamas and California for some testing & to make a vaccine. 
Now, I just need to heal up  and get back on my feet. 

Thanks for the love and Prayers
Hugs, Michelle