Tuesday, August 28, 2012

This is my little dog Bandit (nickname Boo). I wanted and needed to get her groomed this week. I have a buzzer and figured I could do it myself. Well, it wasn't that bad. When she walks away from you she has a buge chunk of hair mising. It's very funny.

It's my 8th week on the, "I have no idea what I am putting in my body drug trial".  I love that everyone around me thimks it's so easy to take pills and injections,you  have no idea what it is. The exhaustion has started again. Yesterday and today I have felt sicker than ever. Delirious and unstable. Sick to my stomach. I have felt an odd change. I can hear when I talk that I can't form a sentence. And you wonder why I'm depressed!
I will continue taking these unknown pills and smile  at everyone. I really just want to run. I have my gut telling me this is complete bullshit. But, hey everyone else is convinced.

My Dad and I park the car in the city and scout (stalk) the food trucks. My favorite so far has been the lobster truck. Mexican is awesome.....yummy tacos. Pizza, hot dogs, Greek. Italian pasta truck. It's amazing. You wait a a little while and Mr Softee ( best ice cream cones) or the yogurt trucks that have fresh fruit.

Tips!! Please.
My hair is growing and and I have no idea what to do with it. Let's find a picture to show you . I will post one. What kind of gel should I use. I look like a boy!

Positive thinking. I am manifesting good energy. I have good people around me that make me smile. My father told me to stop thinking about the past. I did the chemotherapy, months of that nonsense. Radiation sucked the life out of me. Now I am doing more that just I feel I have missed out on so much.
But, what did I miss out on.

My Love to do soon List: a few silly things

1. Coney Island trip
2 Met Game
3 Dance again
4. A montauk week (Paul and I use to go every summer)
5. Take my dogs for more walks

I am going to get better and that is really what my list should be.

Having a Young Frankenstein movie night if anyone wants to pop over. You have to dress like Egor!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Signing onto my blog I saw that it says "my fabulous journey". What the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. How about, " Not so Fabulous" Then again I know some miserable humans that I,
A. keep my disitance from      
B. would never want their life.  

I guess I have no choice in living this one out. I still laugh at something everday. That's really nice. I"ll say semi-fabulous. Because I look around at the miserable and boy are they not smiling. I still am!


I have an MRI this week. I have been feeling very off when it comes to collecting my thoughts and getting words out right. I attribute most of this to the medication. I have a hard time doing a few things at the same time, something that was never a problem. I would give you a few example's... way too embarressing. I decided to get a scan to check things out.
Liver, I hope is still shrinking from the last procedure. That was fabulous news.
Lung is clear! My back is killing me! 

Thursday Paul and I went to Mskcc to see the back Doctor. I had the nerve block done and wanted to visit other options to dull some of this horrible pain without pain medicine. 
At the elevator leaving the hospital a sharp pain started at the tumor site in my back shoulder area, spread around under my armpit into my breast and ribcage. It felt like someone threw gasoline on me. I know what radiation burn feels like.  Like a fire spreading across my left side. I  have been unlucky enough to have it a few times on my face. To me it's like a feeling deep in the body. This burn brought out screams of torture. 
Paul wisked me away to Urgent Care. Thankfully we were steps away. I couldn't sit, stand...breathe. 
They pumped me with Pain relief in an Iv. Thanks for the bruised arms little nurse who wears glasses and I swear they are all blind. Never can get it in right!! 
I stayed the night for pain management. Loved my roomate. Always the same. I never sleep because of the beeping and oxygen tanks constently falling every five minutes. Not luck with roomates either.

Pain is throbbing in my back 24/7.  I guess your body gets use to it.  I am exhausted from it and just live like this everyday. I keep going. If you keep your brian busy, you don't think about it.  What did the nurse call me.....stage 4 metathasis cancer patient. Great name stamp to have. How about...your going to die and we can't help you. Perfect, feels great. 
I have been feeling this awful uncomfortable pain since November. Nothing seems to relieve it.
REQUEST! Please someone just help me with laundry and the dishes! I have to wait until maybe 10 a.m. for it to subside. Then at night....oh you'd love my bedtime getup. I have a wedge pillow! Helps with swelling too. My face and eyes are not as puffy!  I cut back on steroids too! Found a great I eye cream.  I will share the product if you do my laundry, help me make my bed up in the morning.
Everyone promises to help you. Then the phone calls stop and it's like crickets.


Paul and Wayne ( dad) drive me to the city Mon-Fri. This trip everyday for weeks is not new for us.  Robert has this Friday...a good brother. They are all good. 
Radiation that I did in 2007 was the same. Everyday! This is for a drug clinical trial. Don't even bother asking me what  it's for. I begged, cried not to do it. I have no idea what I am putting in my body. Three pills and a shot in the belly. The pills I call my veggies, carrot, broccoli and lima beans. Paul wants me alive. 

What would you do to stay alive??? 

I have been feeling good. Energy is great. 
I am going to start dancing again. Doing the things I love to do. Setting up my sewing room. Pushing through the pain in my hands. 

Took a good look around me. Thankful for many things.  Yes, things are difficult. I have more on my shoulders that many. 

Jessica! I have something for you. Ok, maybe I don't. I had a GC and I am almost postitive that someone, gee who???? took it. Let's just say...it was around 50! 

Curly, light brown (Blonde was from highlighting) and funny....I'm Gray!! It's awesome!
I am 100 percent naturally beautiful!