Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pathology & Sadness

I came on to check up on some friends & to blog about my Dr's appointment. 
But, as soon as I started typing I felt this wave of anger & sadness. 
My pathology:   I had sarcoma in both my parotid gland & a another tumor Doc removed above it. My lymph nodes that were removed in my neck had no spreading! That was great news. 

I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm tired, I'm angry, and  I'm sad. I have another tumor growing on the right parotid gland. All I think about is when am I going to get it removed. How much is going to grow?

My body is so achy & my back is so sore. I walk, sit, and lye down and I don't feel comfortable.  I can't sleep a full night without waking up 5-10 times. I can't watch t.v because I feel like the stitches in my neck are pulling. I have to keep my head straight and with my right eye being partially blind, it's hard. I am so afraid of damaging my belly incision that  I wear my waistband as tight as possible. I feel like my insides are falling out when I take it off. When I take a shower, I hold my stomach. I am deathly afraid of sneezing! It's happened a few times and the pain is horrible. 
I can't take the pain meds. I get sick & nauseous. I guess they weren't kidding when they said a month recovery. 

Elsa what the hell are we doing? I am hoping you have some words to get me through this. I think the detox of medication & anesthesia is putting me into a "Leave me alone, I need to feel sorry for myself comma!" 

Time will heal. Then more surgery and more healing. Maybe they won't shave my head next time. 


Erin said...

Dear Michelle,
First, thanks for passing by my blog. You said I reminded you of how your cancer affects your parents. Yes, it does,and you can go give them a big hug and tell them you appreciate them. But I know that you are already doing what gives your parents hope: you are fighting your disease and staying positive.
I'm sorry you have to go through these post-surgery blues and I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now. I'm sending prayers your way.

Kathy said...

Hi Michelle,
I don't know if I have any magic words to make you feel better but I'll try. You and Elsa are surviving..surviving despite the illness, despite the constant treatments, Dr. Appt's, needles, knives and scans. That is so inspiring! I know it's no consolation to you now as you sit in pain. Those who feel they have no control, those who feel they are alone, look to the fighters. You help teach and motivate. Those patients looking for inspiration, can say.. HEY, Michelle is doing it, so can I!

For such a time as this.....


Erin said...

Ditto what Kathy says. She always says the right thing.

Daria said...

It's O.K. to feel sadness and anger.

Hang in there ... it is tough. I'm praying for strength and wellness.

Elsa D. said...

hey Stiches, I am awake. It is not 5 am yet. Like a nurse, I came to your blog to check on you. Hang in there. I have been in the leave me alone mode also...
I´ll call you today, later
ehehehe eventhough I suspect ypu are awake also.