With all that I have been through, I have to give myself a little credit. I never, not once lost my sense of humor. Many times it took all the energy I had to crack a smile. But, I continued to not show my sadness or burden others with my loneliness.
I had a great day yesterday. I walked my cute butt around N.y. with a million other people and smiled. I skipped into my Dr's office yapping away with the staff when I heard my name called. "Michelle..is that you? I can hear you laughing down the hall!". And with that my nerves calmed and I became aware of my recovery. Seven months ago I slouched out crying. Today I am skipping! I continued on with my day, the skipping stopped after a skip. Checking in at the desk for my MRI I met a lovely young lady. In between laughing & waiting for the test ( in my pretty blue hospital dress) she brought me a poem. She spoke about her mother in law who had a brain tumor. We talked about how we feel..... like we are alone, no one understands or can say I know how you feel..and actually know.
This is the poem she left with me. And as I sat waiting for my name to be called I read it. Reminding me of all my angels who have carried me around...even during my pizza & ice cream marathon! Sorry for the extra couple pounds.
FootPrints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:one belonging to him, and the other to the lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there were only one set of footprints. he also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
I haven't blogged in while. Up until about 10 minutes ago I have felt wonderful. I took a little over a week off from my usual to heal from the port "torture" removal. I thought I would be psyched to have that plastic thing out of me....instead I have felt very sad. It's silly because I am really happy that that chapter is over and I am moving forward. On the other hand, all I have known for the past year is treatments, stomach turning scans and feeling sorry for myself. Even now as I am typing my heart is breaking at the stress it will endure after my Mri tomorrow. The waiting game....how's my Brain Doc???
Everyone send some positive thoughts and love my way!
I wanted it out the minute they put it in. I hated having this foreign plastic port in my chest. They ( Dr's, Nurses, Fellow port friends) said it's the best thing to have for chemotherapy, save your pretty veins. So I did it (under protest) & today was the day to remove it!
I got up early , got my nails done and bought a pretty dress. Stress before Surgery equals fancy things for Michelle to feel better. This pink-nail-cute-dress thing to calm my nerves lasted 5 minutes.
The nurses & Dr was great except they said one thing that I will never forget..."Oh you don't need to be knocked out, you won't feel a thing. How about a Xanax and a fun numbing shot". Please, Please.......I was begging..Knock my Butt out!
The Xanax was a joke, Numbing the area never worked and it hurt like hell! Ladies you will understand this.... It was kind of like walking into a bar looking totally gorgeous and just as your about to order a delicious Cosmo your friends 3 inch heel steps right onto your freshly manicured toe! Got it...felt fantastic.
I feel like it was yesterday that I was preparing for surgery. The second time around you do things a little different. I didn't pack a make up bag (I don't know what I was thinking!), I lived it up and got a Suite with a fridge, private bathroom..My own nurse ( this is Key!). Most importantly I hired Milvy to take care of me when I got home. She was the best. She fed, showered and most of all encouraged me to get out of bed. Milvy was my saving grace. If your going to have a big operation, get someone to help. I would loose it if my Mother even asked me if I wanted the sandwich she just made for me. Milvy asked...It was the best Sandwich in the world. Family is wonderful, but they are bugging out as much as we are.
My Mom took this picture of me right after my surgery. I always post happy pictures...and Yes I am happy in this ( the Drugs made me very Happy), but this is the reality of it. I have to remind myself that I am a Strong young women with a fantastic future ahead of me. I look at this picture and " Love" that I can say that I'm Cancer Free!
Enjoy the Sunshine!
P.s. The tube is in! Yes, it was very uncomfortable..but hopefully in 3 months I will be Tear free!
Two months today I walked out of MGH so proud that I finished my last treatment. I am now slowly feeling back to normal & as I say Fixing up the place.
I am finally having my tear-duct fixed tomorrow. Simple procedure to make my eye's stop flowing over with water. I walk around with a tissue (up the sleeve like Nana). I usually get asked two questions.
1. Are you crying? It can't be that bad..you'll get through it" This usually is asked as the mascara is melting down the right side of my face into one of my pretty pink hanky's.
2.Bad allergies huh? I know mine are killing me, the pollen is just everywhere, on the car, my eyes, in the house...horrible this year, just horrible. I dust, it comes back...... blah, blah blah.
This is what I hear for 15 minutes until I just say Yes...Allergies!