Spring has arrived

Another scan on Thursday and I am  waiting for a good results.

I went to home depot today to get wood shelves for my closet.  Driving home I had barely any feelings in my arms. Not pins and needles, no feelings. I did carry them through the store and blew off getting a cart. Yes, they were heavy and awkward to carry. I am pretty sure this is why my arms were disappearing. I also imagined a super tumor in my scull cutting off blood to my arms! This is what a cancer patient thinks about!

Tick Tock. Just waiting for news.
Wouldn't it be amazing if I had a clean scan and no surgery for a while. Actaully, that might be strange.

Happy May! Tulips make me smile.

Keep thinking about Elsa and her beautiful life with us.

Wow! My life has been completely nuts! I am going to bed every night with a checklist in my head. When I open my eyes it's floating above me laughing. I just can't get it all done. A little at a time. I am sure I will always have a checklist.

Things have been good. We started renovations on our house last week. It's so exciting and frustrating at the same time.  I can't complain because I am finally getting a beautiful bathroom! It's been fun picking out tile and toilets! Packing and unpacking!

I had a scan last week that I put off due to a horrible stomach ache. I couldn't even get out of bed. There was no way I was driving or getting on a train.  I also have no interest in hearing bad news. I just want to go a six months with a clean scan. I will even take 8 months!  It's been nice not to think about sickness after the stupid pills. I do know that I need to get a plan in order. I see Dr Doom next Friday. Hopefully he will have something for me. I am not getting my hopes up. I know how the conversation will start and end.

Tomorrow I am suppose to be in the city for an MRI. I am not sure if that is going to happen. A little screw up with my appointment.

It's still really hard to think about Elsa.   Miss you a ton.  I don't understand death.

It's also hard to hear about people around me complain about silly problems. If they only knew what a problem really was. I know everyone has their own daily stuff that they go through. Everyone complains. That is why I have been keeping my conversations light and happy. I just want Paul and I to get a break....I need a lucky streak to start! Please!

Because, honeslty I am happy.

Elsa

I'm lying in bed thinking about my friend Elsa and the memories I have of her.
I can't stop thinking about her. She is an inspiration to so many of us fighting cancer.she was so brave and focused on getting healthy.

I cry for her and wish I could of helped her. I find life to be so unfair.

I love and miss her. I will miss our talks about getting on opera and discussing Sarcoma cancer! We both felt that not enough money went to our rare disease. Are we not good enough to do research on? Elsa and I had a whole plan....and a book waiting to be written.

Elsa if you can hear me in heaven....I will figure this out. One problem....opera is going off the air! But, I can write the book!!

I'll see you again Elsa.

All my love and in my heart forever.
You will never be forgotten.

Fog

I'm trying to snap out of this funk that I am in. I'm floating through the days in a fog. I have so many things going on. My mind can't quiet itself at night and my sleeping is awful. I know the medicine is doing it to me. I haven't been feeling that great. I wake up every morning with a headache. I have a bumpy mess on my shoulders and chest....I'm kind of gross right

Today was wonderful. I spent the day with a friend who is pregnant. Today was her due date and I went to the doctor with her for her check up and sonogram.

It made me want so many things that I can't have. I realized that I need to make those things happen in my life.

Paul and I are moving forward with another exciting chapter.

     
“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”