HOT MESS

 Blogger Buddies!  I love all the comments and meeting new friends.
 Hello my Texan friend, Welcome. 


Tomorrow afternoon will be my first of six appointments that will continue over the next two weeks for the IGR. 


Nervous, petrified, alone....scared....just a few words. I am scared  to death. I just want a hug. 
I thought I would be happy that the day arrived. I don't even want to go. I know I will start walking through the halls and try to turn back. I am only doing this because I have pain and I want some relief.  


I am tired of pain patches, medication and heartburn! 


I taking a break after this and letting my body heal. I know I will get mixed reviews from friends and Family. I am exhausted! My bones, muscle.....every inch of me is screaming for a break. Back to back radiation is not good for my body. It can take years to recover.
I have been on a constant,"Lets kick Michelle down and beat the crap out of her pretty little body).  I am sick of everyone saying I look great!  


Look inside..  I am a HOT MESS. This is what I told Dr. Maki yesterday when my chart said diagnosis was  Sarcoma.   HOT MESS with a side of Sarcoma!


Wish me luck
Love a nice pretty girl who is a HOT MESS!

Three more days

I have nothing to write about. I have been in so much pain. It wraps around the whole left side, constant!

I feel like my ribs are broken. Three more days....and I was told that even after the tumor blowup it takes time for the pain to go away. My whole month of December will be spent at the hospital dealing with my spine....." my bone cancer." Ha! 

I can't do this anymore...I cry (like now) all the time, it just hurts so much.  I am very good at controlling  the agony. Keeping my mind busy....but it's just there all the time. 

I am seeing my other Oncologist tomorrow to talk. Very different opinions from all of them. Not really sure what my plan will be. Not even thinking about it right now. Absorbing some of it.

More positive blogging tomorrow. Very sleepy. 

Cycle for Survival 2012

Cycle for Survival 2012

Dear Family, Friends and Supporters,

Many years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of Sarcoma Cancer. I am writing this letter to bring awareness to Rare Cancers and help me reach my goal while I Cycle for Survival in 2012!

Cycle for Survival is the annual, indoor relay-style team cycling event that has raised more than $9 million in support of lifesaving research on rare cancers at Memorial Sloan –Kettering Center, the nation’s preeminent center for cancer research and care. Research on rare cancers is often drastically under funded resulting in fewer opportunities to gain essential insights- the type of groundwork necessary to make new, lifesaving advancements and discoveries. In general there are fewer treatment options for patients with rare cancers because funding for drug development often lags behind more commercially viable drugs. Go to www.cylceforsurvival.org for more information, read Jennifer’s Story and the History of Cycle for Survival and studies.

For many years I have been walking the halls of Memorial Sloan- Kettering, my journey starting in 2002. The past few have been the real battle for me, testing my strength. My husband Paul, family and friends have been right beside me pushing me along, helping me through the struggles. Smiling on the great days and thankful for every moment I have been given. 

I am currently treating my new diagnosis of a rare Sarcoma metastasis to the spine and liver. Although I will be undergoing treatments, I am very much dedicated to cycle on February 4th, 2012 at the Equinox, Long Island New York. Together with my fellow Cancer survivors and fighters we are making a difference. We will not let anything slow us down!

Michelle’s 2012 Cycling Team

To make a donation, please copy and paste

      http://mskcc.convio.net/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=1602&team_id=16652 

You can also look under current teams, Franks Cyclers. You will see my name to donate.

Thank you for your love and support. Your donation will go a long way in helping find a cure for these challenging diseases.

 From the bottom of my heart,

 

Michelle Sabella Paternoster

www.peacelovecancer.blogspot.com/

Stick Chair

This is a stick chair at ABC carpet! Not too cozy...but, I was warm and Happy!

I have been waking up again so early and can't fall back to sleep. I have so many things running through my head.  Going to see Doctors...the drive, waiting..is mentally exhausting. I can't even absorb the details. Yes, I write things down. I am starting to feel stupid, I forget everything they say. It's because I don't want to believe what's going on, right?
Today we talked about Chemotherapy. Sniff, Sniff. A pill form and Sutant. Sniff. I can't even type about it.  Just to keep my alive. Right? This is how it works now. Just give Michelle meds to control the cancer so she can stick around. I don't get any of this. What kind of life is this? Miserable....I already see it coming.

December Seventh. Waiting patiently for the last part of radiation. I need this large rib tumor out! It's torturous knowing it's there. Imagine walking around in pain, knowing. I wouldn't mind a nice stabbing right about now. Good old fashion purse robbing.  I'll be in town tomorrow. A couple of good dodgy alleys. Aim for the left rib......go deep it's in the back. Then WALLA...It could come out quicker!

I am in bed with my little one Bandit snuggled next to me. The best things are the smallest & furriest.

I am looking forward to some nice party's this Holiday season. Pushing myself to go. I am excited. I have a few beautiful dresses that I bought and have. Last year there was drama that I am happily leaving behind and thankfully pushed out months ago.  Girls are stupid.  Much lighter in that department. Amazing how your life can change when you clean house.  I may be feeling awful, but I will make an effort to attend all. I like feeling normal and getting dressed up.

I am putting the summer so far behind me.  Everything that it holds. Sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, my non-tan and anything else that is negative. Positive...I hold in my heart. My family visiting, Balloon heaven...Kristine and Diane :) Paul taking care of me :) Such a good husband. Girls should be envious!
I still look back at my struggle. What did I go through? Not weeks...months of that. I am still feeling  it in my mouth and skin around my face. I go absolutely bonkers  thinking about what this Radiation does to you. Now I have tattoos all over my body, getting ready for more. I am BONKERS! Why the hell am I not running??? Not, doing this for too much longer. I too have an expiration date.....Chair, beach...alone. That's my goal. Decided the Eat, Pray, Love is bullshit. I want Sand, a great book and Bikini's!

Trying to sleep again.

Thank you to everyone who has donated to Cycle for Survival. It means more than you will know. It's the first time I have ever asked for a donation to help me. A fundraiser to support my rare cancer.

Much Love Michelle

Tatoo me

I will start at the beginning and even though I would not like to make this sound so dramatic....it's going to be. 


The nurse's ( all male ...awesome!) told me exactly what was going to happen. It doesn't prepare your body or mind for the discomfort and pain. I was face down on this weird table with my ankles locked into place. They had two handles to grip onto and my face buried in a pillow! It was a mix between The Young Frankenstein movie ( that one is for you Jessica!) and a strange Porn! 
The table was designed to tilt your body, so the spinal fluid moves up and down. 
I didn't even touch the handles.. ewe.  The numbing wasn't bad, baby needles. It was the pressure when they take fluid out and inject in that's strange and slightly painful.  I listened and watched on the screen as they injected the needle, 10 cc into my lumbar.  When they tilted my body, I felt the fluid moving up and down my spinal canal. It was pure torture and pain. I can't even tell you how painful it was. And, they kept tilting me over and over. The fluid just moving.  I cried like a baby. I tried the happy place on the beach. That turned to dust  pretty quickly. I then did what I usually do and what always works. I say to myself," Little children do this! I can do this! I am strong! Children do this!". 


We moved on to the stretcher next and I was told to keep my head down. Headaches. Great just what I needed. This is the best part. Out of all the technology they have. I was asked to roll over three times from one hard stretcher to another. This was to get the spinal fluid moving! I was just hoping I didn't fall in between the cracks of the stretchers. 


They strolled over on the flat stretcher to get a CAT scan. I made Paul move me in the hallway. They kept putting me under the big lights, right in my eyes. Ok....I can't get up because I will get a headache. The light's idiot?
In the CAT scan room I  was asked to roll again three times. 
Just remember I have tumors in my back that are killing me.  Pain medication is now wearing off.  Lights. Spinal fluid pain! 


Third stop Simulation.
I was kind of prepared for this. Maybe not mentally, but I knew what they were going to do. Didn't realize I was going to be topless the whole time! I was now on another table, this time on my back. They made the foam mask for my back. It felt like a warm down comforter molding to my body. Then another facial mask. Oh the love I have for those. My fourth mask. Two in one year! Boy, I am a lucky girl! 
I took a deep breathe and waited for everything to dry. Meanwhile, fluttering around me are the nurses who are drawing with marker all over my stomach, chest and neck. Mind you I am topless and they didn't have a problem working around my girls. They got a lot of action!
I figured out what was going to happen and
I am starting to get upset again. I  feel the tears building. It's hitting me again and at the worst time. I can't speak and they start tattooing my body in five places. Small little dots that look like normal little marks. NOT BEAUTY MARKS! Nothing beautiful about them. I couldn't speak and wanted to scream NO so badly. 
A reminder of my nightmare treatments.  This is real and I have to face it. Something I am having a hard time doing, again. I cry too much. I guess I am facing it. I just still can't believe that this is my life. 


Chemotherapy. Can't even think about it. 
I am seeing another Doctor tomorrow about his plan. Crazy. 


I am sitting in bed and want to scream I am in so much pain. They can up the meds all they want...doesn't help! I am up to 3 patches..and now  I can't get my shirt off with pain in my upper neck shoulder area. Stupid silly tumors. Don't they know that they are going to be destroyed by the evil laser beam! 


I am not scheduled back for the blasting until December 7th. Pain will continue even after treatment. Maybe it's better than 6-8 weeks of hell. Only time and goign through it will tell. 


I am exhausted. Good night to all. Sweet dreams.