Tatoo me

I will start at the beginning and even though I would not like to make this sound so dramatic....it's going to be. 


The nurse's ( all male ...awesome!) told me exactly what was going to happen. It doesn't prepare your body or mind for the discomfort and pain. I was face down on this weird table with my ankles locked into place. They had two handles to grip onto and my face buried in a pillow! It was a mix between The Young Frankenstein movie ( that one is for you Jessica!) and a strange Porn! 
The table was designed to tilt your body, so the spinal fluid moves up and down. 
I didn't even touch the handles.. ewe.  The numbing wasn't bad, baby needles. It was the pressure when they take fluid out and inject in that's strange and slightly painful.  I listened and watched on the screen as they injected the needle, 10 cc into my lumbar.  When they tilted my body, I felt the fluid moving up and down my spinal canal. It was pure torture and pain. I can't even tell you how painful it was. And, they kept tilting me over and over. The fluid just moving.  I cried like a baby. I tried the happy place on the beach. That turned to dust  pretty quickly. I then did what I usually do and what always works. I say to myself," Little children do this! I can do this! I am strong! Children do this!". 


We moved on to the stretcher next and I was told to keep my head down. Headaches. Great just what I needed. This is the best part. Out of all the technology they have. I was asked to roll over three times from one hard stretcher to another. This was to get the spinal fluid moving! I was just hoping I didn't fall in between the cracks of the stretchers. 


They strolled over on the flat stretcher to get a CAT scan. I made Paul move me in the hallway. They kept putting me under the big lights, right in my eyes. Ok....I can't get up because I will get a headache. The light's idiot?
In the CAT scan room I  was asked to roll again three times. 
Just remember I have tumors in my back that are killing me.  Pain medication is now wearing off.  Lights. Spinal fluid pain! 


Third stop Simulation.
I was kind of prepared for this. Maybe not mentally, but I knew what they were going to do. Didn't realize I was going to be topless the whole time! I was now on another table, this time on my back. They made the foam mask for my back. It felt like a warm down comforter molding to my body. Then another facial mask. Oh the love I have for those. My fourth mask. Two in one year! Boy, I am a lucky girl! 
I took a deep breathe and waited for everything to dry. Meanwhile, fluttering around me are the nurses who are drawing with marker all over my stomach, chest and neck. Mind you I am topless and they didn't have a problem working around my girls. They got a lot of action!
I figured out what was going to happen and
I am starting to get upset again. I  feel the tears building. It's hitting me again and at the worst time. I can't speak and they start tattooing my body in five places. Small little dots that look like normal little marks. NOT BEAUTY MARKS! Nothing beautiful about them. I couldn't speak and wanted to scream NO so badly. 
A reminder of my nightmare treatments.  This is real and I have to face it. Something I am having a hard time doing, again. I cry too much. I guess I am facing it. I just still can't believe that this is my life. 


Chemotherapy. Can't even think about it. 
I am seeing another Doctor tomorrow about his plan. Crazy. 


I am sitting in bed and want to scream I am in so much pain. They can up the meds all they want...doesn't help! I am up to 3 patches..and now  I can't get my shirt off with pain in my upper neck shoulder area. Stupid silly tumors. Don't they know that they are going to be destroyed by the evil laser beam! 


I am not scheduled back for the blasting until December 7th. Pain will continue even after treatment. Maybe it's better than 6-8 weeks of hell. Only time and goign through it will tell. 


I am exhausted. Good night to all. Sweet dreams.