Shells, Scans and Friendships

Here are some of the beautiful pictures that I took on my trip to Costa Rica.  I am looking forward to going back to discover the rain forests and beautiful beaches. We had an amazing trip. 

Today February 17th

After finding the perfect parking spot (always happens when I am running late) a mile from the train station......I caught it in time to make my Pet scan appointment. I would just like to know why I am still so nervous about needles and why I haven't gotten use to them.

This is what happened without adding drama (o.k. a little drama!). Needle went in, I squirmed, Radioactive dye (blahha) missed my vein, Arm swelled up, I cried in pain, Nurse said sorry, I turned white, Nurse got a pillow, I cried, Nurse took the needle out and tried the other arm, Nurse said sorry again,  I cried, Radioactive dye (crap) went in, I felt better. Then I drank the raspberry yummy and waited my turn....same as always. I still hate needles. I know that I got the Placebo. I gained 2 pounds and have felt great. I can eat and not feel sick to my stomach.I meant to check my blood pressure today ( Elsa! I forgot to ask!). I have really low pressure, but the Brivanib makes it high. So, I figured if it was low....then I know for a fact that it's the placebo. I am a genius! 

I will get my results on Friday.

I caught a ride on the MSKCC fun bus to 53rd and was able to have a lovely chat with my friend Adina.  She is an amazing, beautiful young women full of life & inspiration. I sat with her while she was doing the  Brivanib clinical study ( her long day) at the hospital.  I felt so comfortable, like I have known her for years. I know we have been through different things (cancer crap) but, it's like we have this bond.  A friendship that has already blossomed. Because, without saying a word we know how hard it's been. The tears, fears & of course the strength that has gotten us through all of it.  

Adina found me from my blog! On the friday before I left for Costa Rica she came up to me in hospital. Adina & her husband Chaim told me that the only reason she was starting it was because of me. She read my blog and after I spoke about the trial she wanted to do it. 

Today Adina gave me a Thank You card. I opened it on the train. While tears poured out  I searched my bag to find a hanky ( yes, I have them and it's usually up my sleeve). In the card she gave me 2 lovely sayings. This one I love...

What lies behind us, 

and what lies before us 

are tiny matters 

compared to what lies 

within us.

Thank you Adina. I love your passion for life &  your beautiful soul.  I loved sitting with  you today and will always be here if you need me. Doctors & shopping trips are a part of my friendship package. 

With Love,

Michelle

Sand & Air

Costa Rica 2009

Hola! Buenos Diaz!

The moment that I stepped into the cool Pacific water I new that this was the place. There is no word to describe how peaceful I feel. I walk along the beach and gathered shells , sea glass and listened to the water crash on the shoreline. The whole beach is filled with coral and you can here music as the waves crash them into one another causing a symphony of clinking sounds. It's the most beautiful sound. I feel healing energy as I sit in the sand an meditate. I was rubbing the thick black sand into my legs, thinking about healing me. I was going to dump it on my head. But, A. it's black and B. too many people would think I was nuts.

Yesterday, Paul and I traveled 20 minutes to do a zip line tour through the forest. I was so excited! We got buckled up, put our helmet's on and climbed a hill. It didn't really hit me until I looked across the wire and saw trees and nothing else! I looked at Paul, looked at the line, the drop and then I happily said....umm I can't do this! I took a deep breathe (like 20), told myself that life is short & then threw myself off this platform into the air...sliding into a Costa Rican on the other side waiting to catch me! Poor guy. I was holding onto him for dear life! The second one I used my hand brake too soon and got stuck! So, here I am dangling a 100 feet in the air from a cable with a guy who speaks spanish telling me to smile for a picture! I had to turn around and pull myself to the platform that was pretty far away. The whole time my heart was racing & I'm laughing so hard inside that this happend and this dude behind me is cheering me on, in spanish! After a few zips in the air I was ok & figured it out. I relaxed enough to fly through the air and took a look around at the beautiful scenery. The worst part were the ladders that we had to climb and the equiptment digging into your crotch!

Pill News: I have been taking the pills and I am 100% certain that I was one of the unlucky ones that got the Placebo. Actaully I shouldn't say unlucky. That really is the last thing that I feel. I am going to say that it's more of a pain in the butt. I feel very lucky...for many reasons. I do look at the pills as swallow them and call them names. My new one is stupid white stupid dumb placebo pill...stupid!!! I like that one the best so far.

Adios
Michelle

Brivanib or Placebo

Today was my 12th week on the clinical trial for Brivanib. I met with Dr. Maki &  he gave me good news that my tumors are stable, there is no change from my last MRI. 

The whole ride home I kept glancing at the brown paper lunch bag with my pills in it. I needed to know what was inside. Paul convinced me to wait.  I couldn't help opening it  anyway. Poked my finger through the foil top (didn't have that on my other pill bottles!), and carefully checked out the shape of the pill. Looked a tad smaller than my other pills. After a 10 minute conversation about safety foil on the tops of pill bottles....I did the only thing I could do. I called Elsa. She's my Brivanib buddy & just finished her 12th week.  

I took my pills at 10 pm and have been walking around in circles! I am in bed now & can't figure out if it was the Brivanib or Placebo!  As soon as I took them I was on the floor nauseous, holding back tears. The anxiety has been building up all day. The fact that it's been over an hour since I took them (11:15), I think I am going to say that I got the Placebo ( bastards!)

I will see again tomorrow evening.  Maybe I am just too worked up and thinking about it too much (Elsa your right!). I should be a lot calmer...especially since I will be on the Beach in COSTA RICA!!!! I will post another blog to let you know if anything changes.

The saga continues............

Wizard!

Quickly!

I am heading out the door to meet some friends for dinner. A psychic is going to be there! I am not really into psychics, but love getting my cards read.  I will chat more about this another time, when I have time.

Any who...I am getting my test results back tomorrow for my 3 scans that I had on Monday. 

I am feeling in the middle about the results. I really don't know what Dr. Doom is going to say. I am always positive..but hey you never know.

I will be clicking my ruby slippers if it's bad and heading off to OZ! Some times I wish there was a Wizard

Anger

You going to love this pity party blog!

I made myself a promise a long time ago that I would never let my brothers ripping my barbie's heads off bother me.  Then as I got older I vowed to never let a boy break my heart. A couple of years ago I did the same with this disease. I will never let it take over my life. I will beat this cancer.  I will be happy.

But, I feel like it has taken things from my life that I want back.  It took my time ( I would rather be shopping than getting a scan!) ....my appearance (please don't comment on this! I am being honest here!)...the pains I get in my head, my scars.... ... and my chance to have babies.  I have spent days crying, angry over it all. Again and Again. I move on, I get worse, I get better. But, I still cry.  This whole experience has made me strong, but  it has really pissed me off.  I want the next step to happen in my life...but I am patiently(not really) waiting for this chapter to end! And, I know that it will never end. I will never be able to not cry when they take blood. I will never be able to walk into a scan, praying that it's just a nightmare.  It completely sucks. 

There is a book that I always have on my shelf. I buy it for others, because I don't want to give up my copy. I love the way it feels in my hands, used and worn in. I have read some of the same chapters that it just opens right to it. Today I reread the introduction. The Practice To Happiness. I like this chapter because it really shows me how being angry has made me suffer. I do meditation & focus on changing the anger into something good. Yes, I can cry. But it's not doing me any good to hold all this anger in.  

I know that everyone deals with bumps in the road. I also know that if I manifest what I want, I will have it. Those stupid bumps will not get in my way. They may be different from everyones else's way of doing things, but it's my way. I have never been one to follow.  So I give myself permission to have my pity party's as long as they last for less than 2 days & I get to have candy during that time. 

The book is called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Wisdom for cooling the flames. 

Read it, you may like it. 

Meditative hugs,

Michelle