Thursday, January 22, 2009


You going to love this pity party blog!

I made myself a promise a long time ago that I would never let my brothers ripping my barbie's heads off bother me.  Then as I got older I vowed to never let a boy break my heart. A couple of years ago I did the same with this disease. I will never let it take over my life. I will beat this cancer.  I will be happy.
But, I feel like it has taken things from my life that I want back.  It took my time ( I would rather be shopping than getting a scan!) appearance (please don't comment on this! I am being honest here!)...the pains I get in my head, my scars.... ... and my chance to have babies.  I have spent days crying, angry over it all. Again and Again. I move on, I get worse, I get better. But, I still cry.  This whole experience has made me strong, but  it has really pissed me off.  I want the next step to happen in my life...but I am patiently(not really) waiting for this chapter to end! And, I know that it will never end. I will never be able to not cry when they take blood. I will never be able to walk into a scan, praying that it's just a nightmare.  It completely sucks. 

There is a book that I always have on my shelf. I buy it for others, because I don't want to give up my copy. I love the way it feels in my hands, used and worn in. I have read some of the same chapters that it just opens right to it. Today I reread the introduction. The Practice To Happiness. I like this chapter because it really shows me how being angry has made me suffer. I do meditation & focus on changing the anger into something good. Yes, I can cry. But it's not doing me any good to hold all this anger in.  

I know that everyone deals with bumps in the road. I also know that if I manifest what I want, I will have it. Those stupid bumps will not get in my way. They may be different from everyones else's way of doing things, but it's my way. I have never been one to follow.  So I give myself permission to have my pity party's as long as they last for less than 2 days & I get to have candy during that time. 

The book is called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Wisdom for cooling the flames. 
Read it, you may like it. 

Meditative hugs,


Anonymous said...

Hey you never bought me that book. Humph. ;-)

I'm sorry and I love you and I'm here every step of the way.


Elsa D. said...

dear Michelle,
are these silly pills making us think of the same things? I love this post. No one could have said it better!!!
No we will NOT let this thing beat us.

(my scan showed that they grew less than 20%..not bad... I am now in teh randomized part of the study)

Anonymous said...

Hey Amigo! ... "they" say that you cannot loose without gain ... so we should focus on what we have gained, rather than on what we have lost ... but that is all shit really when we have lost the deepest and most precious ... you have to ask what could possibly be worth this ... at any level - my higher selves have all been told to go fuck themselves ... Metaphysically Speaking of course! ... and only come back once they have learnt to speak English!

What really gets me is that we have no choice ... we are ultimately forced to comply ... anger is great but it consumes ...

Bro G

Anonymous said...

Hey girlfreind...we are entitled to be angry..we earned it.(But the 2 day rule still applies!!) My new necklace looks like "dog tags" I was told and I said that they are...because I'm a soldier battling in my own little war and I wear them proudly...although instead of combat boots I prefer my pink Ugg slippers :-)Love Ya!!

Title said...

You might like Donna Eden's methods. Holding the forehead neurovasculars are good to bring calm when stressed, fearful or lonely. Many more amazing exercises. She is on you tube.