Sunday, August 19, 2012

Signing onto my blog I saw that it says "my fabulous journey". What the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. How about, " Not so Fabulous" Then again I know some miserable humans that I,
A. keep my disitance from      
B. would never want their life.  

I guess I have no choice in living this one out. I still laugh at something everday. That's really nice. I"ll say semi-fabulous. Because I look around at the miserable and boy are they not smiling. I still am!


I have an MRI this week. I have been feeling very off when it comes to collecting my thoughts and getting words out right. I attribute most of this to the medication. I have a hard time doing a few things at the same time, something that was never a problem. I would give you a few example's... way too embarressing. I decided to get a scan to check things out.
Liver, I hope is still shrinking from the last procedure. That was fabulous news.
Lung is clear! My back is killing me! 

Thursday Paul and I went to Mskcc to see the back Doctor. I had the nerve block done and wanted to visit other options to dull some of this horrible pain without pain medicine. 
At the elevator leaving the hospital a sharp pain started at the tumor site in my back shoulder area, spread around under my armpit into my breast and ribcage. It felt like someone threw gasoline on me. I know what radiation burn feels like.  Like a fire spreading across my left side. I  have been unlucky enough to have it a few times on my face. To me it's like a feeling deep in the body. This burn brought out screams of torture. 
Paul wisked me away to Urgent Care. Thankfully we were steps away. I couldn't sit, stand...breathe. 
They pumped me with Pain relief in an Iv. Thanks for the bruised arms little nurse who wears glasses and I swear they are all blind. Never can get it in right!! 
I stayed the night for pain management. Loved my roomate. Always the same. I never sleep because of the beeping and oxygen tanks constently falling every five minutes. Not luck with roomates either.

Pain is throbbing in my back 24/7.  I guess your body gets use to it.  I am exhausted from it and just live like this everyday. I keep going. If you keep your brian busy, you don't think about it.  What did the nurse call me.....stage 4 metathasis cancer patient. Great name stamp to have. How about...your going to die and we can't help you. Perfect, feels great. 
I have been feeling this awful uncomfortable pain since November. Nothing seems to relieve it.
REQUEST! Please someone just help me with laundry and the dishes! I have to wait until maybe 10 a.m. for it to subside. Then at night....oh you'd love my bedtime getup. I have a wedge pillow! Helps with swelling too. My face and eyes are not as puffy!  I cut back on steroids too! Found a great I eye cream.  I will share the product if you do my laundry, help me make my bed up in the morning.
Everyone promises to help you. Then the phone calls stop and it's like crickets.


Paul and Wayne ( dad) drive me to the city Mon-Fri. This trip everyday for weeks is not new for us.  Robert has this Friday...a good brother. They are all good. 
Radiation that I did in 2007 was the same. Everyday! This is for a drug clinical trial. Don't even bother asking me what  it's for. I begged, cried not to do it. I have no idea what I am putting in my body. Three pills and a shot in the belly. The pills I call my veggies, carrot, broccoli and lima beans. Paul wants me alive. 

What would you do to stay alive??? 

I have been feeling good. Energy is great. 
I am going to start dancing again. Doing the things I love to do. Setting up my sewing room. Pushing through the pain in my hands. 

Took a good look around me. Thankful for many things.  Yes, things are difficult. I have more on my shoulders that many. 

Jessica! I have something for you. Ok, maybe I don't. I had a GC and I am almost postitive that someone, gee who???? took it. Let's just was around 50! 

Curly, light brown (Blonde was from highlighting) and funny....I'm Gray!! It's awesome!
I am 100 percent naturally beautiful!



Anonymous said...

Hi Michelle,

I was very close to Adina who you met a couple of years ago at SMKCC. She was always so excited to have seen you and always talked about your amazing spirit!
I would love to help you with anything that I can please contact me at

Many blessings,

Marva said...

You are always beautiful and wonderful and very special Michelle! Heck with the domestic goddess stuff -- fill your time with the things you really enjoy. Do wish I were closer to help. Norm and I are keeping your in our prayers. We love you! Marva

The Astonishing FartMan said...

I think about you each and every day, MichelleOnLongIsland. So I am very happily surprised to stop by here and see that you have posted on your blog! And you make me smile when I hear that you are smiling. But I am also sad that things are so rough for you these days.

I just can't imagine what you are going through. I don't have the courage to even to imagine it, even though I'll probably have to deal with similar things before too long. Pain is something that I have never been able to get used to entirely. Sometimes I can put most of it out of my mind for a while, or I can let the pain have only a part of my mind, so I can keep the rest of my mind for myself.

Sometimes I can still even fool myself that it's gone away completely . . . but it's always there lurking . . . ready to grab me if I forget to remember that I have to forget about it. I must remember not to forget. It's very confusing!

Because of that stupid pain, I bet your smile is a different kind of smile than most people smile.

Better than the ordinary smile.

More beautiful and more real.

You help me get through.

Michelle said...

Thank you all for your great uplifting comments. It reminds me that I am not alone. It's amazing how I have such wonderful friens from blogging.
Love to all of you.