Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I wasn't going to write on my blog. I decided that I should because I need some support and love from my friends in my blogger world. I also wanted to check up on all of you.
I realized that I'm allowed to complain. I need to complain and I don't care. I think everyone gets tired of hearing about it. My problem is that it's been going on for way too long. I have little to talk about.
Here's my update, my complaint.
I'm in the city all week trying a clinical trial. They accepted me in on Monday and I have to be here everyday at different times. I can commute the hour train ride back and forth everyday from home. After this week, I'm doing that. I'm lucky enough that my brother in law has an apartment that I can stay in. I'm grateful for their support and help. It's blocks from the clinic. It's perfect. Problem....I'm totally uncomfortable. I know it's only been 3 days. It's just not home. It's not my bed and I can't fall asleep. Every night it's 2-3 am.
I want to go to the beach. I want, I want. That's all I think in my head. I want to go home. I want to be happy & healthy. I want to not feel depressed and angry. I'm very angry. I'm angry at not making my own decisions. I want to have surgery to fix my head and my back and my liver! It's my body and I'm in pain. All day!
I barely eat. I just haven't food shopped. I'm so embarrassed by my looks, I don't want to go out. Take note....it's 3:07. I just had tomato soup and half of an almost rotten avocado. Great midnight snack! Actually, it was yummy. I feel sick though.
I'm waiting for my pain patches to kick in so I can sleep. I'm scared to take sleeping pills when I'm alone. Even the pain meds make me so wacky.
I can't stop crying. My eyes are two big puffs. I lost my hat and can't hide under it. I feel like everyone is glaring at me. My wig is hot and itchy. I'm just not a happy girl right now.
My birthday is this Friday the 13th. All I want is to curl up in my bed, cry and sleep. That's it. No balloons, cake or big deal. This is coming from a girl who loved her birthday. I'm miserable Michelle.
Just went through twenty tissues. Now I'm tired.
Goodnight.
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13 comments:
so sorry Michele. You've been through so much! I'll commiserate with you... Guess what I have... Shingles! It's from being immunodeficient from chemo. So now I'm off chemo for awhile. The Shingles are the worst pain ever. A shooting tingly nerve pain that radiates from the rash. I have it on my neck from the center front around the left to the back, into my hairline. If I move my neck I get a screeching pain. I'm on meds and I sure hope they kick in soon. Cancer just sucks doesn't it?!!!
hey Mich... sorry to hear what you're going through right now. You truly are one of the most AMAZING and STRONG people i know...
you're definitely a trooper. for some reason all of this is going on, and it sucks!! just try to keep you're head up as high as you can. forget what you think everyone else thinks, you're beautiful, amazing, wonderful, super duper, funny, etc...
big hugs and kisses :)
You have always had this amazing beautiful spirit about you. It comes from the INSIDE, not the outside. You have always been beautiful Mish but seriously, you appear so much prettier than you ever have been because of your heart, your spirit. You have always been a people magnet. Even through this illness, I see people talk about how you inspire them. It's OK to have bad days, it's OK to get mad, it's OK to cry. But don't ever, EVER think you are not beautiful. I have been with you since you were 4 years old and I've always both admired and envied how beautiful of a person you are - inside AND out. If I could I would hop on a plane and say that to your face. I love you SO much! I will bring some anger rocks we can throw into the bay when I come... Love you baby girl!
Jess
It's about 4:30 in the morning here. I'm thinking about you a lot. I wish I could take some of your suffering onto myself. I couldn't take all of it, because it's too much for one person. But I wish I could take some of it. You are beautiful!
I still see the beautiful, gracious, full-of-life girl that I've always known you to be. It's okay to complain...can't pretend that life is a walk in the park for you right now...it's just not, but that doesn't change who you are. You are strong, beautiful and sweet. You have a fight before you, and you can do this. I am praying for you!!! Hugs from me!
Deirdre (aka Jessica's Aunt Deirdre) :)
Michele,
I understand your anger. I was angry and depressed when I was diagnosed with cancer and I was upset again, 2 years after radiation treatment when I was told that I had to have my vocal cords removed. But, I got thru it and so will you. We love you dearly and we are with you!!
Love,
Frank and Carrie
Michele,
I understand your anger. I was angry and depressed when I was diagnosed with cancer and I was upset again, 2 years after radiation treatment when I was told that I had to have my vocal cords removed. But, I got thru it and so will you. We love you dearly and we are with you!!
Love,
Frank and Carrie
Michele - I work in Astoria - if you ever need a ride to the City or to home, let me know.
Frank
Thinking about you a lot, and thinking about what you wrote in your post about how things add up to wear you down. I have a little bit of an idea about that because I've been there--not nearly what you have been through, but enoough to know what you are talking about. Michelle, you can handle five or six or seven really unpleasant things all at once, things that just one or two would be enough to wipe out an ordinary person who didn't have all your hard won experience at coping with such things. But then when two or three new bad things get added on top of the six or seven old things, well sometimes it's just too much. How's that for an understatement?!?!
You are beautiful, even when you are not feeling so beautiful, and you are strong even when you are feeling weak.
You are strong even when you are weak.
Girl...let it out! I thought of you all last week as I was mentally preparing for another surgery I had yesterday..I had my tear duct done AGAIN, this time at Mass General by a top guy so I hope it works!! Sick of people thinking I'm crying from my right eye!I'm at MGH / Mass Eye and Ear every 12 weeks and everytime I go I see that facy, beautiful Liberty hotel and think of you :) I have to tell you..I'm like a celebrity with the dr's here, they all tell me how intersting my case is since sinus sarcoma is so rare and the surgery I had was so new and cutting edge....great...where's my red carpet??!! :o) Miss you!! Gail
Michelle
You are a superstar. you deserve soo much respect. hope the clinical trial will bring you something.
all the best
Pieter
Thinking of you.
Hold on.
L.
Michele, Your strength inspires me. Complain all you want, we all love you.
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