Friday, June 17, 2011

The Mask

          For those who get my blogs emailed to have to go onto the real blog and see these pictures.

This is the process of Radiation treatment. This is really the worse part and I look like Hannibal! I did pretty good considering I new exactly what was going to happen. It was torture having the mask done. I had my IV in and laid on an uncomfortable rectangular head rest waiting for the mask to be fitted. They did some scanning and moving to position me for the mapping. They put this waffle looking flat board in hot water to soften. Then they put it over your face with just a nose hole. It's soft like pizza dough. They lock it down across your head and lightly mold it to your face. Over a few minutes, it hardens and tightens around your eyes, mouth and face. This is the time I started to cry. The smells just bring back so many horrible memories.
           I now I have a long 6 weeks ahead of me. The burn, blistering, mouth sores...ear issues.
I see how and why people around me don't understand. Which I  am glad they don' means they are healthy and hopefully will never understand. I don't want anyone to have to endure this. The first time I was doing Radiation, Paul drove me to the city everyday. It was such a low dose that I  barely had any side effects. I also had very few friends supporting me.  In Boston I was really alone. A handful of family and Jessica came to visit me. Paul was with me the whole time...but it was hard. You get to the point in this horrible journey that you don't want to ask for help. You just want it done. So, I sat alone a lot in Boston. Paul did his best and I love him for that. He is now going to be get me a CONGRATULATIONS balloon every Friday for my job well done!
The worst came at the end of the treatment. I couldn't shower, smile, sleep or eat without the burn hurting me to the core. It was so painful and uncomfortable. I didn't wash my face or hair for days, water was my enemy. This is what I am afraid of the most. The last two weeks...the recovery.
I now embark on another radiation nightmare journey. This time at home. Not hiding and not alone. I am
scared of the disappointment I will come across from friends and family. I do understand that everyone acts and deals with situations differently. With that in mind, I won't take anything personal.

I joined a new support group! Head and Neck Cancer! Yeah!

I have my Mri on tuesday and I will get a phone call soon about my start date. Stay tuned, I will be bloggin this event!

Hugs Michelle


Anonymous said...

Michelle, you're so damn strong. I can't imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I follow your journey and cheer you on. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Jen

The Astonishing FartMan said...

That mask looks like something you'd wear for an appearance on the World Wrestling Federation!

It is funny (probably painfully funny), but you are still beautiful underneath it.

Anonymous said...

Hold on, beautiful amazing girl...


Anonymous said...


I am impressed by your strength.

Hold on!

Pieter (Amsterdam)

Miss Heart said...

I have been following your story for almost a year. You are beautiful and brave. May God use his healing power on you. I will pray for you.