I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall togther  ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Mask

          For those who get my blogs emailed to them....you have to go onto the real blog and see these pictures. www.peacelovecancer.blogspot.com

This is the process of Radiation treatment. This is really the worse part and I look like Hannibal! I did pretty good considering I new exactly what was going to happen. It was torture having the mask done. I had my IV in and laid on an uncomfortable rectangular head rest waiting for the mask to be fitted. They did some scanning and moving to position me for the mapping. They put this waffle looking flat board in hot water to soften. Then they put it over your face with just a nose hole. It's soft like pizza dough. They lock it down across your head and lightly mold it to your face. Over a few minutes, it hardens and tightens around your eyes, mouth and face. This is the time I started to cry. The smells just bring back so many horrible memories.
           I now I have a long 6 weeks ahead of me. The burn, blistering, mouth sores...ear issues.
I see how and why people around me don't understand. Which I  am glad they don't...it means they are healthy and hopefully will never understand. I don't want anyone to have to endure this. The first time I was doing Radiation, Paul drove me to the city everyday. It was such a low dose that I  barely had any side effects. I also had very few friends supporting me.  In Boston I was really alone. A handful of family and Jessica came to visit me. Paul was with me the whole time...but it was hard. You get to the point in this horrible journey that you don't want to ask for help. You just want it done. So, I sat alone a lot in Boston. Paul did his best and I love him for that. He is now going to be get me a CONGRATULATIONS balloon every Friday for my job well done!
The worst came at the end of the treatment. I couldn't shower, smile, sleep or eat without the burn hurting me to the core. It was so painful and uncomfortable. I didn't wash my face or hair for days, water was my enemy. This is what I am afraid of the most. The last two weeks...the recovery.
I now embark on another radiation nightmare journey. This time at home. Not hiding and not alone. I am
scared of the disappointment I will come across from friends and family. I do understand that everyone acts and deals with situations differently. With that in mind, I won't take anything personal.

I joined a new support group! Head and Neck Cancer! Yeah!
www.spohnc.org

I have my Mri on tuesday and I will get a phone call soon about my start date. Stay tuned, I will be bloggin this event!

Hugs Michelle

Advice

I never thought that I would be fighting for my life at 32. I give everyone advice that I should be taking. Sweep out the negative in your life. Don't sweat the small stuff. Live without fear.

My mother in law brought up something funny. When we get to a certain age, we say whatever is on our mind, hurtful, honest...whatever. Nobody takes offense, because we're old. That's what old people do.
But, why are we not living that kind of way.....always. Honesty!

I will say it again....my favorite quote. Because it holds so true in my life right now.

Do what you want and say how you feel,
Because those who matter, don't mind,
And those who mind, don't matter

When you're going through tough times, you see matters and who truly cares. You don't forget and sometimes you don't forgive. For me...now in my life. I forgive, because my life is way
too short, too hard and at times it's just too much energy. Negative energy.

Lesson of the day: Start taking your own advice.

I don't know exactly what state I will be in. I will be starting treatment very soon. I'm sick thinking about it, so I will keep you posted. I'm starting to feel pain in my face :( I am avoiding that phone call to the doctor. I can't live on pain medicine. I am also looking into a holistic approach to treating this nerve/tumor thing.
My choice...leave me alone! I'm a fighter, but boy am I tired. I would do nothing and enjoy my summer.


Solitude and bliss.....coming from me this summer.