I'm looking at my two dogs. They need a walk and I need to stretch my legs. They can walk me!
That's what I'll do after my fascinating update.

Monday I had my second part of this fabulous round of radiation....I had the simulation. Started my day with oatmeal, headed into the city and got doped up on a lovely sedative to help me relax during the scans. They wanted me calm and relaxed. I was wearing a belt that fit under my rib cage. It fills with air and tightens. I take very shallow breaths. I will be wearing this for thirty minutes for five treatments. I do my yoga breathing and think happy beach, sandy feet thoughts. It's uncomfortable and makes my belly area sore. Only five, I can do it. Then I received five more tattoos and a warm foam body mask. Oh the joy of it all! Is it sad that all of the technicians and nurses know me by name? They don't even ask my birthdate anymore!

I don't start the radiation to my happy liver for another two weeks. Maybe sooner if they change my schedule.

I have a friends wedding coming up. I have so much to look forward too. It's nice to have happy plans. I also love to get dressed up and wear beautiful shoes!

Family is good. I made my nephews Thomas the train costume! It's fantastic. I'll post a picture.
I'm really crafty. My friend is having a murder mystery night, Victorian theme. I'm making the hoop skirts. This will be fun to design and sew.

I guess you can say....I'm back. Nothing is keeping me down. I'm feeling like myself again and I'm happy.
Thanks again for the great comments

Side note:   Fartman...you need to blog more! I want to leave posts for you!
                    Jessica....Blooka! You will always be my one armed friend. 
                     Some friends are starting chemotherapy and please say a nice peaceful prayer for them.          Kelly and Erica, you're always in my thoughts.

Liver Love

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up 

~Vince Lombardi

Anyone awake at 3 in the morning? Give me a call. I wake up at the same time every night and have such a hard time falling back asleep. I think we should start a nighttime call center. It could play soothing music or read a book until you fall asleep. 

I did eight weeks of the trial drug. I saw my oncologist the day I quit. My liver tumor that was shrinking, got a tad bigger during this time period. I was aware and worried about the tumor getting bigger. I didn't want my options for treatment or surgery to be a problem. Quiting the trial was the easiest decision to make. The drugs didn't make me feel that good. But, what is funny is that I had things going on that stopped and started up again a week or two after I quit.  The chemotherapy had pushed me into early menopause. I am 34 and having HOT flashes all day long. I didn't even realize that the trial drugs had paused the midnight pajama change. Now I am back to turning red and removing layers of clothing. Part of the reason I stopped wearing  wigs. 

Liver Love :)

I got the phone call today  from Dr. Radiation's nurse and wasn't prepared for my treatment to happen so quick. I was still making sure the insurance company gave me pre-approval.  I start another radiation treatment in two days and this time it will take three weeks to a month from start to finish.  It's similar to the one I did on my vertebrae tumors. Image guided radiation. It's called something else. I am upstairs and the paperwork is downstairs. I will gather the information and get it out to everyone. It's very interesting.   I am going to wing it and give you the quick version of what I know they are doing. Mind you that I listen, soak it in, read about it and then forget. 

This Thursday they are going to give me some happy gas and a pill to make me calm and forgetful. They will numb an area and guide a needle with three gold balls into my liver tumor. 

Then in 3-5 days scanners will MRI my liver and will see if the balls stayed in place or floated around. I will then be fitted for a body mask, another set of tattoos ans some more scans.  For the record these will be my third body tattooing. I already have black and green ones all over my chest and belly. They are like beauty marks that remind me of all the fun I go through!  A few days after that I will be starting 5  Radiation treatments. Since it will be at a high dose, It will be every other day.  

There are side effects and it's really how my body responds. The tumor is pushing against my stomach  and the Radiation blasts will be hitting it. I may be sick for a day, week or month. I know taking the medication and watching my diet will help me get through it like a champ. I also gained 20 something pounds and would like to wear pants that don't have an elastic waistband! 

Has anyone done Radiation on the liver or Organ? Advice?? 

I want everyone to know that I am doing good. Some people think my humor is a coping mechanism. I am actually pretty funny! I just can't help but laugh my way through this junky time. I had the depression and anxiety hit. It wasn't fun for me or anyone around me. I still feel horribly guilty at the way I spoke to my husband, family and friends.  Michelle just wasn't Michelle.  I was an  angry girl! I look back on the amount of drugs in my system. It's gross thinking that Dr's just want you to take a pill for every symptom. I am down to 3 pills a day! I was on 6-10 at one point in my cancer career. 

Chat more soon. Biggest hugs to everyone.

Thank you for your support & love.

This is my little dog Bandit (nickname Boo). I wanted and needed to get her groomed this week. I have a buzzer and figured I could do it myself. Well, it wasn't that bad. When she walks away from you she has a buge chunk of hair mising. It's very funny.

It's my 8th week on the, "I have no idea what I am putting in my body drug trial".  I love that everyone around me thimks it's so easy to take pills and injections,you  have no idea what it is. The exhaustion has started again. Yesterday and today I have felt sicker than ever. Delirious and unstable. Sick to my stomach. I have felt an odd change. I can hear when I talk that I can't form a sentence. And you wonder why I'm depressed!
I will continue taking these unknown pills and smile  at everyone. I really just want to run. I have my gut telling me this is complete bullshit. But, hey everyone else is convinced.

My Dad and I park the car in the city and scout (stalk) the food trucks. My favorite so far has been the lobster truck. Mexican is awesome.....yummy tacos. Pizza, hot dogs, Greek. Italian pasta truck. It's amazing. You wait a a little while and Mr Softee ( best ice cream cones) or the yogurt trucks that have fresh fruit.

Tips!! Please.
My hair is growing and and I have no idea what to do with it. Let's find a picture to show you . I will post one. What kind of gel should I use. I look like a boy!


Positive thinking. I am manifesting good energy. I have good people around me that make me smile. My father told me to stop thinking about the past. I did the chemotherapy, months of that nonsense. Radiation sucked the life out of me. Now I am doing more that just I feel I have missed out on so much.
But, what did I miss out on.

My Love to do soon List: a few silly things

1. Coney Island trip
2 Met Game
3 Dance again
4. A montauk week (Paul and I use to go every summer)
5. Take my dogs for more walks

I am going to get better and that is really what my list should be.

Having a Young Frankenstein movie night if anyone wants to pop over. You have to dress like Egor!

Signing onto my blog I saw that it says "my fabulous journey". What the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. How about, " Not so Fabulous" Then again I know some miserable humans that I,

     

A. keep my disitance from      

B. would never want their life.  

I guess I have no choice in living this one out. I still laugh at something everday. That's really nice. I"ll say semi-fabulous. Because I look around at the miserable and boy are they not smiling. I still am!

NEWS BRIEF ON HEALTH ( boring!)

I have an MRI this week. I have been feeling very off when it comes to collecting my thoughts and getting words out right. I attribute most of this to the medication. I have a hard time doing a few things at the same time, something that was never a problem. I would give you a few example's... way too embarressing. I decided to get a scan to check things out.

Liver, I hope is still shrinking from the last procedure. That was fabulous news.

Lung is clear! My back is killing me! 

Thursday Paul and I went to Mskcc to see the back Doctor. I had the nerve block done and wanted to visit other options to dull some of this horrible pain without pain medicine. 

At the elevator leaving the hospital a sharp pain started at the tumor site in my back shoulder area, spread around under my armpit into my breast and ribcage. It felt like someone threw gasoline on me. I know what radiation burn feels like.  Like a fire spreading across my left side. I  have been unlucky enough to have it a few times on my face. To me it's like a feeling deep in the body. This burn brought out screams of torture. 

Paul wisked me away to Urgent Care. Thankfully we were steps away. I couldn't sit, stand...breathe. 

They pumped me with Pain relief in an Iv. Thanks for the bruised arms little nurse who wears glasses and I swear they are all blind. Never can get it in right!! 

I stayed the night for pain management. Loved my roomate. Always the same. I never sleep because of the beeping and oxygen tanks constently falling every five minutes. Not luck with roomates either.

Pain is throbbing in my back 24/7.  I guess your body gets use to it.  I am exhausted from it and just live like this everyday. I keep going. If you keep your brian busy, you don't think about it.  What did the nurse call me.....stage 4 metathasis cancer patient. Great name stamp to have. How about...your going to die and we can't help you. Perfect, feels great. 

I have been feeling this awful uncomfortable pain since November. Nothing seems to relieve it.

REQUEST! Please someone just help me with laundry and the dishes! I have to wait until maybe 10 a.m. for it to subside. Then at night....oh you'd love my bedtime getup. I have a wedge pillow! Helps with swelling too. My face and eyes are not as puffy!  I cut back on steroids too! Found a great I eye cream.  I will share the product if you do my laundry, help me make my bed up in the morning.

Everyone promises to help you. Then the phone calls stop and it's like crickets.

MY COMMUTE

Paul and Wayne ( dad) drive me to the city Mon-Fri. This trip everyday for weeks is not new for us.  Robert has this Friday...a good brother. They are all good. 

Radiation that I did in 2007 was the same. Everyday! This is for a drug clinical trial. Don't even bother asking me what  it's for. I begged, cried not to do it. I have no idea what I am putting in my body. Three pills and a shot in the belly. The pills I call my veggies, carrot, broccoli and lima beans. Paul wants me alive. 

What would you do to stay alive??? 

I have been feeling good. Energy is great. 

I am going to start dancing again. Doing the things I love to do. Setting up my sewing room. Pushing through the pain in my hands. 

Took a good look around me. Thankful for many things.  Yes, things are difficult. I have more on my shoulders that many. 

FOR JESSICA!

Jessica! I have something for you. Ok, maybe I don't. I had a GC and I am almost postitive that someone, gee who???? took it. Let's just say...it was around 50! 

HAIR!

Curly, light brown (Blonde was from highlighting) and funny....I'm Gray!! It's awesome!

I am 100 percent naturally beautiful!

Peace 

I wasn't going to write on my blog. I decided that I should because I need some support and love from my friends in my blogger world. I also wanted to check up on all of you. I realized that I'm allowed to complain. I need to complain and I don't care. I think everyone gets tired of hearing about it. My problem is that it's been going on for way too long. I have little to talk about. Here's my update, my complaint. I'm in the city all week trying a clinical trial. They accepted me in on Monday and I have to be here everyday at different times. I can commute the hour train ride back and forth everyday from home. After this week, I'm doing that. I'm lucky enough that my brother in law has an apartment that I can stay in. I'm grateful for their support and help. It's blocks from the clinic. It's perfect. Problem....I'm totally uncomfortable. I know it's only been 3 days. It's just not home. It's not my bed and I can't fall asleep. Every night it's 2-3 am. I want to go to the beach. I want, I want. That's all I think in my head. I want to go home. I want to be happy & healthy. I want to not feel depressed and angry. I'm very angry. I'm angry at not making my own decisions. I want to have surgery to fix my head and my back and my liver! It's my body and I'm in pain. All day! I barely eat. I just haven't food shopped. I'm so embarrassed by my looks, I don't want to go out. Take note....it's 3:07. I just had tomato soup and half of an almost rotten avocado. Great midnight snack! Actually, it was yummy. I feel sick though. I'm waiting for my pain patches to kick in so I can sleep. I'm scared to take sleeping pills when I'm alone. Even the pain meds make me so wacky. I can't stop crying. My eyes are two big puffs. I lost my hat and can't hide under it. I feel like everyone is glaring at me. My wig is hot and itchy. I'm just not a happy girl right now. My birthday is this Friday the 13th. All I want is to curl up in my bed, cry and sleep. That's it. No balloons, cake or big deal. This is coming from a girl who loved her birthday. I'm miserable Michelle. Just went through twenty tissues. Now I'm tired. Goodnight.