Thank you everyone for the Birthday wishes.
It was tough this year to celebrate. I love Birthdays...and for some reason I lost total love for my own. What am I celebrating this year? I know that there are many things..good things. But, the weight of another sugery has clouded my head.
Let's move away from the Birthday Party..and step into the Anniversary.
Tomorrow (in One minute ) is my 7 year Wedding Anniversary! I can't believe that it flew by so fast. I'll post some great pictures tomrrow and blog more.
Hugs,
Michelle
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Great Fall, Boobie Milk and Surgery
My Fall down the stairs...or off the stairs ....is now called MY FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT! I still have no idea how I ended up backwards. I am adding humor to it, because my back is killing me and I need to move on from the pain and humiliation. Call the house if you would like to hear Paul's version of me screaming!
Doctors visit was better than I thought. Past scans showed the cancer growing in this spot for sometime. It just wasn't ever big enough to pick up. Good news is that it's slow growing in this area. Dr's couldn't give me a reason to why it's there. They never really can. Silly Cancer likes hanging out in my head. The surgery will not be as invasive as we thought. My Surgeon (Brain Guy) and Radiologist (New Dude) will try something different. They will remove the Cancer from my scull and Dura ( gooey part around the Brain). Patch it all up.....clean what they can and then...This is great....Radiate me! New Doc will put a small radiation disc in the area where the cancer was to kill microscopic cells for 20 minutes. They will remove it and stitch me back up. It's like a double whammy surgery.
Mom....I lied this morning to you. I told you I ate breakfast. I know how worried you get about me taking care of myself. I can't eat today. Yesterday, I could of eaten my entire fridge. Condiments and all. I'm juicing...so technically I am just eating liquid veggies. I promise to eat lunch...I know it's too hot to not eat.
I am feeling it a little harder today. It's now a reality. Cancer stinks.
I am waiting to hear back from the Nurse to schedule the surgery for August. Brain Doc said 4-5 weeks. I said, " No, how's 6-8 weeks?" Paul just shook his head. It's slow growing..and I have a tan to keep up! I always cancel things and shift my life around for surgery. It can wait an extra week.
Sis..Nance..I left a message too. Hoping they get back to one of us.My sis-in -law has been doing research (awesome cancer sidekick family member!) on the positive affects of Breast Milk. Has anyone done any research on this? I need feedback. Calling a place in Sweden that she found.
Check it our Cancer fighters!
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100419132403.htm
Word of the Day
The dura mater (pronounced /ˈdjʊərə ˈmeɪtər/), or dura, is the outermost of the three layers of the meninges surrounding the brainand spinal cord. The other two meningeal layers are the pia mater and the arachnoid mater. The dura surrounds the brain and the spinal cord and is responsible for keeping in the cerebrospinal fluid. The name "dura mater" is derived from the Latin "hard mother",[1] and is also referred to by the term "pachymeninx" (plural "pachymeninges").[2] The dura has been described as "tough and inflexible" and "leather-like".[2]
Big Hugs for Elsa...Thinking about you. We are strong fighters! Love you
Doctors visit was better than I thought. Past scans showed the cancer growing in this spot for sometime. It just wasn't ever big enough to pick up. Good news is that it's slow growing in this area. Dr's couldn't give me a reason to why it's there. They never really can. Silly Cancer likes hanging out in my head. The surgery will not be as invasive as we thought. My Surgeon (Brain Guy) and Radiologist (New Dude) will try something different. They will remove the Cancer from my scull and Dura ( gooey part around the Brain). Patch it all up.....clean what they can and then...This is great....Radiate me! New Doc will put a small radiation disc in the area where the cancer was to kill microscopic cells for 20 minutes. They will remove it and stitch me back up. It's like a double whammy surgery.
Mom....I lied this morning to you. I told you I ate breakfast. I know how worried you get about me taking care of myself. I can't eat today. Yesterday, I could of eaten my entire fridge. Condiments and all. I'm juicing...so technically I am just eating liquid veggies. I promise to eat lunch...I know it's too hot to not eat.
I am feeling it a little harder today. It's now a reality. Cancer stinks.
I am waiting to hear back from the Nurse to schedule the surgery for August. Brain Doc said 4-5 weeks. I said, " No, how's 6-8 weeks?" Paul just shook his head. It's slow growing..and I have a tan to keep up! I always cancel things and shift my life around for surgery. It can wait an extra week.
Sis..Nance..I left a message too. Hoping they get back to one of us.My sis-in -law has been doing research (awesome cancer sidekick family member!) on the positive affects of Breast Milk. Has anyone done any research on this? I need feedback. Calling a place in Sweden that she found.
Check it our Cancer fighters!
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100419132403.htm
Word of the Day
The dura mater (pronounced /ˈdjʊərə ˈmeɪtər/), or dura, is the outermost of the three layers of the meninges surrounding the brainand spinal cord. The other two meningeal layers are the pia mater and the arachnoid mater. The dura surrounds the brain and the spinal cord and is responsible for keeping in the cerebrospinal fluid. The name "dura mater" is derived from the Latin "hard mother",[1] and is also referred to by the term "pachymeninx" (plural "pachymeninges").[2] The dura has been described as "tough and inflexible" and "leather-like".[2]
Big Hugs for Elsa...Thinking about you. We are strong fighters! Love you
Monday, July 5, 2010
Weekend Results
Not letting crummy news completely ruin my weekend, I packed my friend Diane's car and headed out to OUR beach house out east. It's technically Sarah's house, but Diane and I tell everyone it's ours. I do have my own room key now...#7...so it's kinda mine too! The girls hung with the kids for a few days while we waited for our prince charmings to finish up the work week and rescue us. We just needed help with the beach chairs...and to bring us lunch.
It was a nice weekend, spent with great friends who helped me get through the shock process. Spent sometime with Paul's family out in Montauk on Sunday and then headed home to lounge on the Boat.
While we were getting the doggies squared away...I fell. Yes folks..I did a backwards dive off a 4 foot wall in the front of my house onto my back. Don't ask me how it happened. Paul is still trying to figure out how I was able to do it. I was running down the stairs and just slipped...my feet were moving faster than my brain!
Let me first tell you about the pain that ran up my back and butt..and then the burning of my legs, arms and back. I fell onto a 110 degrees driveway and seriously couldn't put my hands down to lift myself, it was so scorching. Like I said...Paul is still trying to figure this one out! He spent the rest of the day watching me very closely....telling me to be careful!
We made it onto the boat and watched a wonderful firework show out on the water. It was one of the best. The refection of color off the water was spectacular. I felt my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. It was the perfect end to the weekend.
Birthday countdown: 8 more days!
It was a nice weekend, spent with great friends who helped me get through the shock process. Spent sometime with Paul's family out in Montauk on Sunday and then headed home to lounge on the Boat.
While we were getting the doggies squared away...I fell. Yes folks..I did a backwards dive off a 4 foot wall in the front of my house onto my back. Don't ask me how it happened. Paul is still trying to figure out how I was able to do it. I was running down the stairs and just slipped...my feet were moving faster than my brain!
Let me first tell you about the pain that ran up my back and butt..and then the burning of my legs, arms and back. I fell onto a 110 degrees driveway and seriously couldn't put my hands down to lift myself, it was so scorching. Like I said...Paul is still trying to figure this one out! He spent the rest of the day watching me very closely....telling me to be careful!
We made it onto the boat and watched a wonderful firework show out on the water. It was one of the best. The refection of color off the water was spectacular. I felt my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. It was the perfect end to the weekend.
Birthday countdown: 8 more days!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Let me ruin your holiday weekend!
News came as a big shock on Tuesday. I prepare for bad and good news. Really I did. I was in the shower washing my hair and actually played out getting the great news and clean pretty scans. Then I went over the shock reaction of the bad news. Followed by me saying no no no no no ..no. Things are going to be good.
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.
Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.
I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.
July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.
I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my august..my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.
I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.
But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!
Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the weekend....my birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.
Hugs & peace
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.
Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.
I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.
July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.
I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my august..my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.
I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.
But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!
Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the weekend....my birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.
Hugs & peace
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Paul said it perfectly, "You are upset because you have lived a normal life since February"
I took one look at the hospital gown, the port in my arm and started balling my eyes out.
Over & over in my head I kept thinking, I don't want to be here. I don't want bad news, I don't want my life to change again....I don't want to add another page to my Hospital journey scrapbook. I have a weekend + 2 days to go.
I use to find it funny that I new every hallway, every floor of the hospitals. I know which floors have the hot chocolate machines! One time we were waiting to see Dr Maki and the machine was broken. People were standing around holding empty coffee cups. I said," Hey, let's take the elevator up to 8 and get it! I know they have a mocha latte's too!" I crowded in an elevator with a few people and we rode it up to coffee heaven.
I am taking a very deep breathe and look forward to a beautiful weekend.
Hugs, love and many smooches!
I took one look at the hospital gown, the port in my arm and started balling my eyes out.
Over & over in my head I kept thinking, I don't want to be here. I don't want bad news, I don't want my life to change again....I don't want to add another page to my Hospital journey scrapbook. I have a weekend + 2 days to go.
I use to find it funny that I new every hallway, every floor of the hospitals. I know which floors have the hot chocolate machines! One time we were waiting to see Dr Maki and the machine was broken. People were standing around holding empty coffee cups. I said," Hey, let's take the elevator up to 8 and get it! I know they have a mocha latte's too!" I crowded in an elevator with a few people and we rode it up to coffee heaven.
I am taking a very deep breathe and look forward to a beautiful weekend.
Hugs, love and many smooches!
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