Do Over

Good Evening Everyone,

I've had this inner canal ear pain since my last surgery in August. They (Dr's) said it could be a pocket of fluid that formed after surgery.

I see Dr. B on Tuesday. He's going to try to figure out why one of my lymph nodes is still enlarged. Why my ear pain hasn't gone away. And, whatever else he feels like telling me.

This is why I didn't get excited when I got the, " Thumbs up, you have a clean scan" speech. I am going to be a walking wreck for the rest of my life. I really thought I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital for a while. December, that is what Doc said. He didn't say, "Sorry for the ear pain, see you in September!"

I am requesting a Do-Over.

I want another shot at it! A life that I dreamed of, that I want. By the book... Love, Marriage, House, Baby, etc....... happily ever after. Nothing in between. Do not add radiation, surgery or constant depressed crying fits everytime I see a picture of me from my past...when I felt normal and pretty.

My problem (one of many!) is that everything (most things) in my life is wonderful. It's just the set backs of Cancer. It's not being able to live because you spend half the year preparing for surgery or recouping from it. As much fun as I have, I can't enjoy the things around me. I know 90 percent of you would tell me not to complain. I have a wonderful husband, nice home..great family. But, to me there is something missing. To me Dr's appointments , MRI's are normal. I should not be a 30 year old girl that can recite to you every floor of the hospital. I can give you directions and tell you the soup special in the cafeteria.

That was not the plan. This was not my plan. This life I own was not my plan. And, as much as I know that I can fix most of it...it really stinks. The scars, my eye tearing constantly, the surgery bumps and that never ending twitching pain in my head stinks.

I want a do-over.