My Plan

Dear Blog Followers,

Being on a high dose of antibiotics had me feeling achy and out of whack. Good news, my ear is feeling so much better. Today was my appointment with Dr. B. The thought of heading back into the hospital was making my stomach flip. I just wanted to be away from that hospital for a while and get my life back!

This morning I woke up with all the right intentions of going to my appointment. I planned on heading in around 9:30. I was getting a cup of tea ready for my drive. My plan was to get gas, take the top down on my car and blast some music. That's when Paul decided that he wanted to go with me. He didn't want me to go alone and wanted to drive. He's been swamped at work trying to catch up and knowing it was only a checkup I told him I was fine. I like taking the drive or train in, having some time to myself.

We were out the door & driving when something came over me. My plan that I had for the day changed. I felt a little upset & had an instant rush of anxiety. I was panicking inside, a feeling that I rarely have. It was like something was pulling me back home, back to my comfort zone. There was no way that I was going into the city. Within a second I called and canceled the appointment. I don't know if it was fate telling me to turn around. All I know is that a wave of sadness came over me. I wanted to be out of the car. Paul drove us home and I got right back into bed. I curled up for a few minutes, took a deep breath and I felt better.

I'm really not sure what that was about this morning. I know that I like to have control over certain situations. Paul coming with me, changed everything. I love that he cares so much about me and wants to drive me in. Today was just a checkup! Nothing else...I am not ready for anything more right now. Having Paul with me, driving in his car......I felt like it was now a bigger deal. Almost like I was going to get bad news.

I should just open my mouth when I have a plan and continue on with it. I need to do things on my own...I need some control over the things that I can control.

But, maybe the planets weren't aligned right or one of my beautiful guardian angels was protecting me. I just know that I made the right decision. I went with my gut and stayed home today. It was such a strange day!

Good Night!

Do Over

Good Evening Everyone,

I've had this inner canal ear pain since my last surgery in August. They (Dr's) said it could be a pocket of fluid that formed after surgery.

I see Dr. B on Tuesday. He's going to try to figure out why one of my lymph nodes is still enlarged. Why my ear pain hasn't gone away. And, whatever else he feels like telling me.

This is why I didn't get excited when I got the, " Thumbs up, you have a clean scan" speech. I am going to be a walking wreck for the rest of my life. I really thought I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital for a while. December, that is what Doc said. He didn't say, "Sorry for the ear pain, see you in September!"

I am requesting a Do-Over.

I want another shot at it! A life that I dreamed of, that I want. By the book... Love, Marriage, House, Baby, etc....... happily ever after. Nothing in between. Do not add radiation, surgery or constant depressed crying fits everytime I see a picture of me from my past...when I felt normal and pretty.

My problem (one of many!) is that everything (most things) in my life is wonderful. It's just the set backs of Cancer. It's not being able to live because you spend half the year preparing for surgery or recouping from it. As much fun as I have, I can't enjoy the things around me. I know 90 percent of you would tell me not to complain. I have a wonderful husband, nice home..great family. But, to me there is something missing. To me Dr's appointments , MRI's are normal. I should not be a 30 year old girl that can recite to you every floor of the hospital. I can give you directions and tell you the soup special in the cafeteria.

That was not the plan. This was not my plan. This life I own was not my plan. And, as much as I know that I can fix most of it...it really stinks. The scars, my eye tearing constantly, the surgery bumps and that never ending twitching pain in my head stinks.

I want a do-over.

Welcome home Me!

I got home last night from a long day of airports and strange people. My favorite had to be the guy eating his peanut butter sandwhich next to me on the flight home. It was like the time I gave Pepper , my dog a spoonful. It took her hours to lick the roof of her mouth. Yet, this guy was worse. I think a piece got stuck in his teeth.....he kept cocking his head back like a crazy person. I thought he was having a ceizure. You would think that after his soda exploded all over myself and a few other people he would realize how rude he was being. Nope! Snack boy just went onto another fun .....big O' bag of crunchy pretzels. After that he listened to his 1980 tape deck with matching head phones.

I am heading to bed. I will write more tomorrow.

Love, Michelle

Fliying wreck

I am sitting in the Charlotte airport waiting for my next flight to the Bahamas. For the past few days I have had this question whooshing through my mind. Watching this lady next to me scarf down a cinna-bun covered in thick processed sugar reminded me how different I am. How can she eat that crap?

The burning question.............Now what?

What is there to do in the recovery/waiting world? I was reading in a cancer book that recovering from Cancer is sometimes longer than actually going through the treatment. Great..I have about 3 years to mourn the loss of this? I think I got over my high school boyfriend quicker!

I am just a little confused about who I am right now. Am I in Remission? What the heck am I? I am trying to figure out ( in my mind) what to say when someone asks about my rubber Sarcoma bracelet. Or why I have scars all over my neck. Am I cancer free? Or do I keep the lie about getting into a knife fight in Miami over stolen drugs?

I am more scared that the next few months are going to give me an ulcer. How the hell am I going to wait until December for my next scan. I am not a fan of the waiting game. It give me Diarrhea!

Right now I am going to board this plane to vaccine land and hope the person next to me doesn't carry the swine flu. If one more person sneezes I am going to freak out. I am about to walk around the airport with sanitizer.

Great News!

It's been a week since I got my test results back. I will start with that first since I know many of you have been waiting to hear. Great news...the best I have heard in years. My Mri's & PET scan came back CLEAN! Totally free of Cancer! I don't have to go back till December. No blood work, No needles & No more nasty raspberry yummy! I get a brake and I feel wonderful!

I met up with Elsa Friday before I saw Doc. She had a scan & an appointment too. We have the same doctor and meeting up is easy. I sat while she chugged (like a pro) this gross drink for one of her scans. It's amazing how use to that crap you get. I am happy, thrilled to say that Elsa received wonderful results as well. Her tumors are shrinking! Elsa ended up back in the hospital on Friday for a bacteria that hung around her port. A bacteria! We think this is funny...compare it to all the horrific surgery's she's had...and an infection kept her in! Sunday, I went in to hang and keep her company. We made dream catchers ( I will post a pic!) & caught a few rays on top of the Mskcc patio. Check out her page to get updates.

I am off to the Bahamas on Sunday to get another vaccine. I will keep you posted.

A very happy,

Michelle