"If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth." Anthony de Mello

Radiation Hell is Over!

Healing!

I was very anxious to finish my last day of Radiation Treatment. It's been a long exhausting week, a long six weeks. I am so happy that it's over.  

My mouth hasn't gotten any better. I pick at food, but barely eat. Soup is my favorite new friend. I lost a lot of weight and Paul keeps telling me that I am too skinny. I know once the side effects subside I will be eating again. I am going to try a milkshake later. The last time I did, I got super sick from the milk. I don't eat dairy and it was rough on my body. 

I haven't been driving and usually spend most of my day in bed. The facial nerve pain and headaches are constant and if my stomach is empty it's hard to keep medicine down. I am so sick of being doped up on pain killers.  I am so sick over being hungry all the time. 

Blogging is making me dizzy. I am going to call it a day. 

Thank you everyone. 

I will blog more soon. 

5 treatments left :))

Five weeks into treatment and all I can say is, " ouchie"

I knew the side effects would catch up to me. My ear is killing me! It's dry from radiation and painful which has triggered the beautiful feeling of dizziness, headaches and vertigo. I have been waking up hoping my ear is still attached. So much fun!

SPOHNC ~ A great meeting last night. Paul and I went together. We both love that everyone in the room, understands. You don't have to go into such detail when your talking about treatment....they know what it's like. Paul has been by my side from the day we met, the beginning of this awful, sometimes hilarious journey. He can speak openly and is supported by everyone as well.
If you are on Facebook. Please go to the SPOHNC group page and hit LIKE. Thanks.

There are support groups for Oral, Head and Neck cancers all over the place.
Go to www.SPOHNC.org to find one near you.

Resting my dizzy head.

Peace and balance

25 down
5 left

Fifth week

Moving along....faster than I thought.

I never made it out to Montauk. I was so uncomfortable all weekend. My poor mouth is bothering me so much. I have horrible sores and my taste buds are like huge bumps. I can't taste a thing and if I do...it's like soap!
I'm on my fifth week and have nine treatments to go! I am almost done!

I was talking with my neighbors oldest son about manifesting good energy and thoughts. His mom said that with all the crap that I have been through, she can't believe how amazing positive I am. I have to admit, I know am. I rarely get upset or talk cancer sadness to people around me. I have a few friends that I break down with and talk openly about it. I don't hold it in. I am fighting this! I've been dealt a tough hand...but hey most of us have.
I believe that is why I had such a hard time when a friend didn't quite understand my crankiness. What...?? Cranky because I have a hard time living with cancer? Yeah, you wouldn't understand that one.
When I am having a tough day I let everyone around me know. I see how people take things personally. It's absolutely ridiculous. I let them know ahead of time how my day is panning out. It gives them a chance to either run and hide or stick by my side and help me through the moment.

What I have learned during radiation treatment...

Patience
Italian ices make me hyper
Cranky is okay
I'm stronger than I think

SPOHNC meeting this Thursday evening! I am looking forward to my support group. A month is way too long! They will be so proud my strength and progress.

My dream ~ my Aunt Mary Ann passed away this time four years ago of breast cancer. She is my god mother, my angel. Last night I dreamt of her beautiful face. She looked like I remember her. A long braid and cute Irish freckles on her face. I reached out to her crying and asked her over and over, why did you leave me? She never spoke. I felt her arms wrap around me. My Aunt was so petite and tiny that I would have to bend down to hug her. I did this in my dream. I was sobbing and I could feel the nook of her neck and shoulder. It felt so real and comforting. I truly believe that she is with me.

Peace & meditating hugs

Day # 18 finished!

I am totally feeling the affects of the radiation. I'm happy to say it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I say that as I knock on wood...I still have weeks left.
Soup and Italian ices are now my new BFF. My mouth is super dry all day long, like a lizard in Vegas. Sharp pains have been catching me off guard. I gave in today and took a pain pill. Nothing was working and It calmed me down a bit.

When I'm in horrible pain, I cry. My body just shuts down and I feel defeated. I really fall to the floor heaving with tears, mumbling how much this sucks.
My mind has been able to rid itself of garbage. I take negative thoughts and write them down. This may include a person who angers or stresses me, a comment, moths eating my good sweater...and I burn it. I let the fire destroy the papers....because I don't need that bad energy.
The good things...I love this! I write down three things in my life that I love or would want more from. Don't ask for wealth. My mom to recover nicely from surgery, Paul to stop snoring and good energy for the weeks to come. Then I dig a hole and bury it for it will blossom into something beautiful.

About me:
My throat is killing me. I found an enlarged lymph node ( pray no tumor) and will be watching it.I'm run down which can cause my lymphs to work...swell. Normal. Mouth sores are fun! Ear is feeling so weird, foggy. I feel a difference in skin temperature on that side of treatment. It's warmer and dry. Again, all normal.

Super tired.
Goodnight blog buddies.

Hitting the beaches this weekend in Montauk!