Friday, July 22, 2011

4 more weeks!

I am so happy that today is Friday! I get two days off from the hospital and
20 more treatments to go! I wouldn't say time is flying by...but I am moving forward. I love the staff at MSKCC in Commack. They have been so wonderful and have made this experience a little easier. I don't think I cried this week. I am doing better than I thought!

I have been keeping myself super busy, which has made me so tired.  Birthday partys for friends and myself ( I had 3 of them), babysitting, spending time with my family. It's nice to continue treatment and still be able to enjoy my life.  It's so important for me to have a full day, even if I have to nap every so often.  I haven't been spending too much time in the sun. I would love to just spend everyday at the beach with a good book. Wow it's been hot out. I do love the heat! I know that I just have to get through the next few weeks and then I can go away and enjoy.

A friend told me today to think of my treatment like my full time job. Instead of getting frustrated with the daily routine, I need to think of it as something else.  I have been driving to treatment alone. I enjoy the time to myself with my thoughts. I have been more relaxed in the room when I get there. I am not being stubborn, I will let other people take me. I just hate being late and like to drive. That's just my thing.  I know as it get's harder I won't be doing to much.....then everyone can take over.

The pain has been bearable. Holding on as long as I can without take pain pills all day. I have even skipped the sleeping pills. I need to keep my immune system strong to get through the next few weeks. Today I felt my body run down....not really sure though.  It is hard to figure out what's going on.  My hair started to fall out on one side. I try not to blowdry or brush it too much. I have noticed that my mouth is so super dry, especially at night. I wake up so often to drink and put drops in my eyes.  I hate waking up during the night.  
All I think about is my friend Billy. I am in tears thinking about him. His voice, I can hear it now so clear when he use to speak to me. He was always drinking something to help with his dry mouth. Things got so horrible for him. I know he went through something different, but I just remember how hard it was. I don't want to be in pain like that...I am so scared that I will.

I don't like air conditioning and overhead fans. I start with the door open to get some cool air from the living room. Fan is on for a while, and I sleep with an eye mask because I can't stand the air hitting my dry eyes.
Within an hour the door is shut, fan is off and I am dripping wet from the heat. Strange, but I love it.
I should rethink the air conditioning, it's hot. I am missing my home more and more and can't wait for it to be done (it's being fixed :). I have been so uncomfortable and It's causing daily frustration. The little things.  I would love room service right now, something that was fantastic in Boston.

We had our 8 year Wedding Anniversary this week. It's amazing that we have been through so much. How strong we have both been for one another.  I have survived for my husband, I promised him I would. I would of walked away from all this pain years ago. He is my strength, because I couldn't imagine tears falling from his eyes for me. I can't bare to think of him heartbroken with loss. My gift to Paul is  Six weeks of torture treatments, so I can keep him happy and smiling. Because all he wants is a healthy wife, and all I want is this cancer  to be over and gone. 
It's so difficult to want to fight for a life that seems to always want to kick you down. Go away Cancer cells! 

Believe is wishes. Dream in color. Positive thoughts. Appreciate the living. Give back, do something nice this weekend for someone else.

Special News of the week:

Happy Birthday Kristen 
Happy Birthday Sean and Baby Gigs Ryan!
Congratulations to Brian (aka Bman) and to Robert (aka Robbles, 2times, doorman)
Big Congrats to Nance for getting her framing grant! Good Job sister!
Boston Greg got married! 


The Astonishing FartMan said...

Congrats to you on your anniversary.

My wife and I just celebrated our 28th on July 16th. I wouldn't have made it this far without her, and would not have wanted to without her even if I could have. I know you feel the same way about your guy! Happy Anniversary to You Both, and Many, Many More!

Anonymous said...

It has gotten up to 112 degrees here a few times. I always think of you when it's hot like that. How when you were out here 3 years ago, we were all complaining of the heat and you were out walking around in it - happy as a clam...LOL you would love the 112! Did Robbles pass academy???