One Year ago

364 days, 21 hours ago

I was waking up at 5am for my surgery. I showered. Ate nothing. I was like a zombie. 

I remember what I wore, the shampoo I used and the long drive into the hospital. I remember the nun that came into pray with me. And the smell of the new slippers in the plastic bag.  I remember the corner I was in, with Paul, just waiting.

I'm awake in tears remembering the morning.  I sat with my dogs as I packed the rest of my hospital clothes, pj's.  I remember looking around my house and feeling so sad. I didn't want to go. It was all too familiar. The check in, the nurse, the waiting. 

While Paul showered, I wrote him a letter. I enclosed a picture and I handed it to him before they took me into the Operating room.  

It really feels like yesterday...minus the morphine.

I can't believe it's been a year.

Gobble, Gobble

                                                          

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful day. I am so thankful to have spent the day with Paul & our family's. I have spent many days very upset about what I am missing out on, why my life has been filled with Dr's appointments and scans. Holding my breathe and sad that I am not living the life I dreamed of. Today I thank myself for doing a wonderful job this past year. I thank myself for being strong, happy, & fighting with a smile. Because even though it totally stinks, I am thankful for the good that I have in my life. and I am blessed in so many other ways.  I may not have my health, but I have love, friendship & family to help me through the miserable times.  

WARNING!! DO NOT READ IF YOU LIKE TURKEY OR WILL BE EATING LEFTOVERS!

Paul and I went to his parents house for a yummy dinner. While I was driving over, I was excited to eat turkey. I know this sounds silly, but I haven't had meat in a very long time.  I planned in my head how I was going to eat it. A little gravy, so mashed potatoes...mmmm cranberry sauce! Oh the drool!!! I was driving through town and watched as a car 2 ahead of me hit a pigeon! Ugh, the feathers just went everywhere and all I could think about was the poor turkey I was  about to eat!   It was worse than my child hood days when my brother use to moo at me when I ate meat. That day forward I was a vegetarian. When we sat down for dinner, my mom piled up some turkey on my plate.  I picked out the pieces myself and asked her to put some back.  I pushed it around my plate for a while ann eventually had a few pieces. I will let Paul gobble up the leftovers. UGH the poor pigeon!

Gobble, Gobble

Michelle

Prancer

It was the first time that I have ever been simply ecstatic to go to the Dr's.   I met my new friend Elsa and her lovely husband. We didn't talk long, but the joy we shared was making people turn and look at us!

On the way in I had a fun experience. We were just coming out of the tunnel when I got a sharp pain in the left side on the bridge of my nose. Followed by a horrible nose bleed. I mean Niagara falls .  I was lucky that my Mom was with me. 

It slowed down for me to get out of the car. Then a huge bloody boogie, clot....egg white came out. It was beyond gross. And the Bleeding continued! 

Now that I have shared way to much information, I will get to the good news. Elsa had shared with me the day before ( and the Dr confirmed this to be very true) that the pills that we are on stop the blood flow to tumors. Without blood they dry up and collapse. This can me painful. There is a man who had tumors in his lungs. After 3 weeks (I am on 2) of being on this drug he began to cough up blood. His scans showed the tumors were shrinking, collapsing!

Here we are smiling, hugging, ecstatic that I had this bloody nose bleed.  There are a few reasons for my nose bleed, but I am hoping this random event is really the pills working. I am putting faith into my daily dose of sleepy, dizzy, thirsty hell.  If it keeps me here, then I will deal with it. 

After my mom and I  headed over to Radio City to see the long legged Rockettes! As I watched them kick there legs up, I realized my dream of becoming one of them was so over. Between the man next to me gasping every time the girls came out in  a different outfit and the snow I  became aware of my mission. I NEED to borrow one of there  reindeer costumes and prance around kicking people!  The costume, skin tight leotard was breathtaking, lot's of glitter.  Oh and the antlers....they lit up! I am adding this to my list of things I must have in life!

Elsa.... Your  beautiful energy was filling the waiting room with your love & strength! 

Hugs,

Prancer, Santa's  Reindeer

Counting sheep & shoes

I think I got the hang of it now!

 I started on 800mg, but I was getting so sick. I took a few days off and after seeing the nurse at MSkcc they decided to drop me down to 600mg.  I was taking it in the morning. Every day at 10:45. Sometimes I went nuts & waited until 10:50!  I would then prepare the couch or bed area with water, phones, computer and puke bucket. After doing this for 5 days I realized it just wasn't working. I also was spending all day sleeping it off (the fantastic pills). 

This is what I thought to myself.  Hello Self (imagine a big fluffy cloud over my head), If these magic pills work, and I am on this for a long time, I need to prepare myself and figure things out. This Self is totally not working!

Now I take them at night, before I go to bed. Perfect timing. I wake up more often, but it's a nice to have a full day to get things done.

They gave me a log sheet. Time, dose and why I missed a dose. That last section is what I call,"Michelle's complaint area".  I list everything that bothers me. They must think I am nuts!

Every Friday I go in for blood work and a check up. This week I get to meet my new friend Elsa, who is doing the same trial! I am so excited!  If you want to check out her blog, just go look under my comments and you will see her name.  Elsa has been through an amazing journey. I commend her on her strength. Hugs to you Elsa!

My 10 minute waking moment is being pulled to my pillow by the pills, so sleepy. I am going back to bed

Off to counting sheep I go.  Ok..truth is they are shoes that jump over that nice picket fence! I am off to counting Jimmy Choo's!!

Peace, Love & warmth (its freezing outside)

Michelle

Memories

Hello Blog friends, 

You know that moment when you get in your car, get to the supermarket and you absolutely forgot why you were there?

This funny ridiculous moment happens way to often for me.  It first started that I would drive & forget where  I was going. Now I get in the car & I  forget which side of the street I am suppose to be on. Honestly, it has happened.  My memory is just not the same. I am queen of sticky notes. Just stop by my house and don't be surprised when you see a post it on all my doors. This is my reminder that the alarm is on. I got tired of  the alarm company calling. 

The point! I started scrap booking my journey down this road ( cliff) in my life. Looking back at the most amazing pictures and really appreciating how far I have come. 

November 30th will be a year that I braved "The BIG" surgery. I can tell you that the past year has been tough.  But, I have the pictures that have captured the good times too.

Thanks for the memories. I hope I remember who you are (just kidding!!)

Peace & love

Keep making memories!

My First Day

Michelle's First Day!

Paul & I just watched 50 first dates. I came prepared knowing that we were going to be here for a while. Movies, games,  computer, books, camera, soft blanket( it has been to Boston, Bahama's ........everywhere I go, made  with love by Kerrin's grandmother) & lunch ( raw of course!).

I had so much of my blood drawn that I realized I could never be a Vampire.  

Paul took the perfect shot of me playing with the medical equipment.

Big Chair Lover!

I don't know why I have this obsession with, " The Big Chair"! 

Update:

Because the staff forgot to give me a pregnancy test (no people I am not pregnant), I have to start the trial on Friday instead of tomorrow.  It's part of the protocol for the clinical trial.

I would like to send a shout out to Dr Buzz Kill..........Great way to start the weekend, Thanks a bunch!!!!!!!

With Love,

Big Chair lover!

Chicken Dog

Welcome Halloweener's

I wanted to share with everyone something that I love about Halloween.

It's not just about costumes and candy( I love that combo!).   Years ago in Mexico I learned about The Day of the Dead,  celebrated in Mexico. The Holiday focuses  on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and relatives who have died. The celebration occurs on the 1st and 2nd of November, in connection with the Catholic holy days of All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day which take place on those days. Traditions include building private altars honoring the deceased, using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed, and visiting graves with these as gifts.

Last year Paul and I were in Cabo San Lucas for this tradition. I was so happy to be there. In our villa I gathered flowers & candles and made an altar with pictures of your family members that have passed on. It was wonderful & made me feel so good to celebrate them.  I know it may sound morbid. But, I think celebrating ones life even after they have passed is a beautiful way to celebrate the time they had with us on earth. I have always felt that I have had these floating angels around me, pushing me along. 

Friday I had testing all day at the hospital. Knowing I had Mri's and other things I couldn't wear a costume...so I wore a headband with glowing  ghosts floating over my head! It made everyone laugh which makes me happy. Then after our 2 hour drive home from the city ( I want a helicopter ,  hint, hint Paul) we went to a fantastic Party near our home. The costumes were great.

On another topic.... ( ugh this again) 

I start my clinical trial on tuesday. I will be in the hospital for hours and I promise to take a ton of pictures to let you follow me down another fun filled journey. 

Today Paul and I took Bandit to the CSH doggie parade. She entered into the best costume contest. She was a fluffy feathered Chicken!! I am a very proud parent to a pooch that loves being paraded about in a chicken costume.