Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stick Chair

This is a stick chair at ABC carpet! Not too cozy...but, I was warm and Happy!

I have been waking up again so early and can't fall back to sleep. I have so many things running through my head.  Going to see Doctors...the drive, waiting..is mentally exhausting. I can't even absorb the details. Yes, I write things down. I am starting to feel stupid, I forget everything they say. It's because I don't want to believe what's going on, right?
Today we talked about Chemotherapy. Sniff, Sniff. A pill form and Sutant. Sniff. I can't even type about it.  Just to keep my alive. Right? This is how it works now. Just give Michelle meds to control the cancer so she can stick around. I don't get any of this. What kind of life is this? Miserable....I already see it coming.

December Seventh. Waiting patiently for the last part of radiation. I need this large rib tumor out! It's torturous knowing it's there. Imagine walking around in pain, knowing. I wouldn't mind a nice stabbing right about now. Good old fashion purse robbing.  I'll be in town tomorrow. A couple of good dodgy alleys. Aim for the left rib......go deep it's in the back. Then WALLA...It could come out quicker!

I am in bed with my little one Bandit snuggled next to me. The best things are the smallest & furriest.

I am looking forward to some nice party's this Holiday season. Pushing myself to go. I am excited. I have a few beautiful dresses that I bought and have. Last year there was drama that I am happily leaving behind and thankfully pushed out months ago.  Girls are stupid.  Much lighter in that department. Amazing how your life can change when you clean house.  I may be feeling awful, but I will make an effort to attend all. I like feeling normal and getting dressed up.

I am putting the summer so far behind me.  Everything that it holds. Sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, my non-tan and anything else that is negative. Positive...I hold in my heart. My family visiting, Balloon heaven...Kristine and Diane :) Paul taking care of me :) Such a good husband. Girls should be envious!
I still look back at my struggle. What did I go through? Not weeks...months of that. I am still feeling  it in my mouth and skin around my face. I go absolutely bonkers  thinking about what this Radiation does to you. Now I have tattoos all over my body, getting ready for more. I am BONKERS! Why the hell am I not running??? Not, doing this for too much longer. I too have an expiration date.....Chair, beach...alone. That's my goal. Decided the Eat, Pray, Love is bullshit. I want Sand, a great book and Bikini's!

Trying to sleep again.

Thank you to everyone who has donated to Cycle for Survival. It means more than you will know. It's the first time I have ever asked for a donation to help me. A fundraiser to support my rare cancer.

Much Love Michelle


The Astonishing FartMan said...

What a tough time you're going through. In my mind, my hand is smoothing your brow. Is it working? How I hope so!

And how sad it seems that sometimes that we fragile and puny humans must resort to hopes and prayers. Well, I say hopes and prayers and love and good will are still the most powerful things. So I'm saying a prayer of thanksgiving that you have such a good husband.

I know what you mean about the knife fantasy. I sometimes have a fantasy that I could take a hollow stick and poke it into my "hepatic subcapsular fluid collection" and drain it away. When I poke in the stick, bilious green sauce squirts everywhere, and it totally blows everybody's mind, so they all think I'm possessed, and they want to call in a priest to do an exorcism. The priest comes, and he's Italian, so he says, "He's not possessed, but this green sauce makes a very nice pesto."

I hope that makes you laugh!

I also know what you mean about doing "normal" stuff. I take great pleasure in my Wednesday evening routine of gathering up the trash from all the household cans and putting them out for collection in the morning. It's one of the silly "manly" chores, and I wonder who will do them when I'm gone. Of course, my wife can take out the trash, but can she change the A/C filters, negotiate with the auto mechanic, fix the the computer or TV when something gets out of whack? I suppose life will take care of itself just fine when I'm gone. But I do worry about my dear sweet wife. And I hope that when I'm gone she finds a good, gentle (and preferably, younger!) man to help her with the "manly" chores, but mostly to keep her company when she's an old lady.

How beautiful that you're so weak and so strong at the same time!

Anonymous said...

I love the Astonishing Fartman! He made me laugh out loud again with the pesto comment! hee hee

Michelle, I wish I could be there with you. I wish I could take the kids and my job and just press pause and fly out there and be with you through this then come back home and press "play". I feel like I should be there and it kills me that I'm not. I love you SOOOO much girlie! I hate that you are in pain, I hate that you have had to fight so hard and so long. I wish you could have a longer break.

I will continue to pray. And hope. And I'm here for you.

BTW, I will stab you in the rib if you want me to. What are best friends for? ;-)

Love you tons,

Anonymous said...

I like Pesto...I hope he has some nice pasta wating after he pokes you! How have you been feeing?

Your wife is very handy! I am too! I say the same things to myself and Paul. Just find a lovely wife that will take care of you. Then I think....he will never find someone like me...I am awesome! I just want him to be happy.

You did make me laugh.