Tuesday, November 29, 2011
This is a stick chair at ABC carpet! Not too cozy...but, I was warm and Happy!
I have been waking up again so early and can't fall back to sleep. I have so many things running through my head. Going to see Doctors...the drive, waiting..is mentally exhausting. I can't even absorb the details. Yes, I write things down. I am starting to feel stupid, I forget everything they say. It's because I don't want to believe what's going on, right?
Today we talked about Chemotherapy. Sniff, Sniff. A pill form and Sutant. Sniff. I can't even type about it. Just to keep my alive. Right? This is how it works now. Just give Michelle meds to control the cancer so she can stick around. I don't get any of this. What kind of life is this? Miserable....I already see it coming.
December Seventh. Waiting patiently for the last part of radiation. I need this large rib tumor out! It's torturous knowing it's there. Imagine walking around in pain, knowing. I wouldn't mind a nice stabbing right about now. Good old fashion purse robbing. I'll be in town tomorrow. A couple of good dodgy alleys. Aim for the left rib......go deep it's in the back. Then WALLA...It could come out quicker!
I am in bed with my little one Bandit snuggled next to me. The best things are the smallest & furriest.
I am looking forward to some nice party's this Holiday season. Pushing myself to go. I am excited. I have a few beautiful dresses that I bought and have. Last year there was drama that I am happily leaving behind and thankfully pushed out months ago. Girls are stupid. Much lighter in that department. Amazing how your life can change when you clean house. I may be feeling awful, but I will make an effort to attend all. I like feeling normal and getting dressed up.
I am putting the summer so far behind me. Everything that it holds. Sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, my non-tan and anything else that is negative. Positive...I hold in my heart. My family visiting, Balloon heaven...Kristine and Diane :) Paul taking care of me :) Such a good husband. Girls should be envious!
I still look back at my struggle. What did I go through? Not weeks...months of that. I am still feeling it in my mouth and skin around my face. I go absolutely bonkers thinking about what this Radiation does to you. Now I have tattoos all over my body, getting ready for more. I am BONKERS! Why the hell am I not running??? Not, doing this for too much longer. I too have an expiration date.....Chair, beach...alone. That's my goal. Decided the Eat, Pray, Love is bullshit. I want Sand, a great book and Bikini's!
Trying to sleep again.
Thank you to everyone who has donated to Cycle for Survival. It means more than you will know. It's the first time I have ever asked for a donation to help me. A fundraiser to support my rare cancer.
Much Love Michelle