Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Tatoo me

I will start at the beginning and even though I would not like to make this sound so dramatic....it's going to be. 

The nurse's ( all male ...awesome!) told me exactly what was going to happen. It doesn't prepare your body or mind for the discomfort and pain. I was face down on this weird table with my ankles locked into place. They had two handles to grip onto and my face buried in a pillow! It was a mix between The Young Frankenstein movie ( that one is for you Jessica!) and a strange Porn! 
The table was designed to tilt your body, so the spinal fluid moves up and down. 
I didn't even touch the handles.. ewe.  The numbing wasn't bad, baby needles. It was the pressure when they take fluid out and inject in that's strange and slightly painful.  I listened and watched on the screen as they injected the needle, 10 cc into my lumbar.  When they tilted my body, I felt the fluid moving up and down my spinal canal. It was pure torture and pain. I can't even tell you how painful it was. And, they kept tilting me over and over. The fluid just moving.  I cried like a baby. I tried the happy place on the beach. That turned to dust  pretty quickly. I then did what I usually do and what always works. I say to myself," Little children do this! I can do this! I am strong! Children do this!". 

We moved on to the stretcher next and I was told to keep my head down. Headaches. Great just what I needed. This is the best part. Out of all the technology they have. I was asked to roll over three times from one hard stretcher to another. This was to get the spinal fluid moving! I was just hoping I didn't fall in between the cracks of the stretchers. 

They strolled over on the flat stretcher to get a CAT scan. I made Paul move me in the hallway. They kept putting me under the big lights, right in my eyes. Ok....I can't get up because I will get a headache. The light's idiot?
In the CAT scan room I  was asked to roll again three times. 
Just remember I have tumors in my back that are killing me.  Pain medication is now wearing off.  Lights. Spinal fluid pain! 

Third stop Simulation.
I was kind of prepared for this. Maybe not mentally, but I knew what they were going to do. Didn't realize I was going to be topless the whole time! I was now on another table, this time on my back. They made the foam mask for my back. It felt like a warm down comforter molding to my body. Then another facial mask. Oh the love I have for those. My fourth mask. Two in one year! Boy, I am a lucky girl! 
I took a deep breathe and waited for everything to dry. Meanwhile, fluttering around me are the nurses who are drawing with marker all over my stomach, chest and neck. Mind you I am topless and they didn't have a problem working around my girls. They got a lot of action!
I figured out what was going to happen and
I am starting to get upset again. I  feel the tears building. It's hitting me again and at the worst time. I can't speak and they start tattooing my body in five places. Small little dots that look like normal little marks. NOT BEAUTY MARKS! Nothing beautiful about them. I couldn't speak and wanted to scream NO so badly. 
A reminder of my nightmare treatments.  This is real and I have to face it. Something I am having a hard time doing, again. I cry too much. I guess I am facing it. I just still can't believe that this is my life. 

Chemotherapy. Can't even think about it. 
I am seeing another Doctor tomorrow about his plan. Crazy. 

I am sitting in bed and want to scream I am in so much pain. They can up the meds all they want...doesn't help! I am up to 3 patches..and now  I can't get my shirt off with pain in my upper neck shoulder area. Stupid silly tumors. Don't they know that they are going to be destroyed by the evil laser beam! 

I am not scheduled back for the blasting until December 7th. Pain will continue even after treatment. Maybe it's better than 6-8 weeks of hell. Only time and goign through it will tell. 

I am exhausted. Good night to all. Sweet dreams. 


Kristen H. said...

Oh Michelle... you have an amazing ability to share your journey in words. Continuing to think of you and praying for peace and much healing!!

The Astonishing FartMan said...

Oooooh. I wish I could take the pain away. Your trick is a good one: "If little children can do it" . . . I might have to steal that trick sometime. Whatever trick works is a good trick.

You gotta cry sometimes, too, 'cause you've earned the right to do that and it helps sometimes. So cry when it helps, but don't cry when it doesn't help. How's that for wise advice? I've got lots more wise advice just like that!

Thinking of you MichelleOnLongIsland!