Thursday, July 1, 2010

Let me ruin your holiday weekend!

News came as a big shock on Tuesday. I prepare for bad and good news. Really I did. I was in the shower washing my hair and actually played out getting the great news and clean pretty scans. Then I went over the shock reaction of the bad news. Followed by me saying no no no no no Things are going to be good.
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.

Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.

I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.

July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.

I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.

I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.

But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!

Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.

Hugs & peace


Daria said...

I too feel bitter and angry. You are right ... this is not the life we signed up.

Cancer sucks ... big time!

Anonymous said...

Call me when you're ready Mish. Whether it's to pretend everything's fine, cry, scream, or just talk.

I love you and I am right here waiting. Richard Marx wrote that song about me - waiting for you. ;-)

Seriously, I love you and if I could make it all go away you know I would.

Fuck cancer!

Anonymous said...

^ That was me, Jess.

Anonymous said...

PS. I seriously mean anytime. It's 4am and I'm up. I'm always up. And if I'm not I will be...for you.

Elsa D. said...

stupid sarcomas!I am with you dear Michelle. I am tired. Let's run away together, have you been in Santorini in Greece?
i <3 u