News came as a big shock on Tuesday. I prepare for bad and good news. Really I did. I was in the shower washing my hair and actually played out getting the great news and clean pretty scans. Then I went over the shock reaction of the bad news. Followed by me saying no no no no no ..no. Things are going to be good.
I do this so when I get the bad news..I'm not that surprised.
Tuesday was a surprise. It's always still a complete shock.
I have sarcoma growing in my scull..hanging out on the inside. The scan showed a new nice size legion on the left side..kind of behind my eye..above my ear..up there somewhere.
July 6th I will learn more. Meeting the team for a game plan.
I feel as though my future was erased, again. This is how I experience my news. I see a big fat eraser moving over my July, my august..my year of 2010. I'm totally wiped out. I don't get upset about cancer. I get upset about what it is doing to everything else in my life. I'm again in a holding pattern above my body and I'm just going in circles.
It's getting harder to watch my husband tear up. He's so strong for me. But, I know it hurts him to watch me go through this. It breaks my heart to watch him try to hold it together for me. I know he just wants to scream as much as I want too.
I keep rubbing my head thinking that it was just a dream. I have to remember that I chose this path. I didn't want harsh drugs. Chemo is not an Option. Was I suppose to radiate my whole head? I made a choice and new that this might happen. I knew it was going to get worse. Stupid cancer cells are not going away without a fight.
But, I'm lost. I want to just throw it all in and walk away. I want to give up.
I know the strength is in me somewhere.. I'm waiting for it to emerge. I'm not there yet. I'm in a low right now. I'm feeling very angry and bitter. This is not the life I signed up for.
It's not what I had in mind at all!
Sorry, that I am totally being a fun-sponge and ruining your weekend. Doc said it perfectly Tuesday..... Never get results before a holiday weekend! Yes, totally crapped out the weekend....my birthday that's in july ( 13th, I'm a size 8 1/2 shoe... Hint) and my summer!
Having a drink on me. I'm sure I'll have a few too.
Hugs & peace