Monday, September 12, 2011


I am living with the reality that my body may never be cancer free. I will slowly be tortured and maybe never cured. I may never feel complete and I have so many more things I want to do with my life. Which I will do, just not that fast.  I sit wondering about the real  meaning of my days ahead. I asked for love, I got it. Praying for peace & strength for all around me. I have been on my hands and knees  begging  god for a child.  A painful time for a young couple to go through. How much can be taken away? I beg for a normal life,  freed of cancer shackles that are weighing me down into the mud.  
I am having a hard time floating back up into Zombie world...that's your land of blue skies.

I am looking for my awakening. 

 My  Fall Cancer tumor update will begin in less that one month. A countdown to new dangerous lymph nodes that need to be ready to get their butts Me.

I am happy to be a young girl  ready to say, " I have Cancer, I am Cranky. And you can't handle it!"
I have had this conversation playing over and over.  A Cancer Card Cranky message  that I received from a friend months ago. Something I haven't been able to forget. It made me realize the lack of care a person can have. Best thing to ever hear from the person...the truth and how they feel about you having Cancer. HOW can one be jealous of Cancer? What happened to comapassion? 
 I will leave it alone  and move forward knowing that some things can not be mended.  Ugly words run deep into my soul. 
I don't want someone like you in my I choose to be free. 


Sjn said...

cancer can be all consuming when it changes your body and your life. I treasure the days and moments when I can forget I have cancer, when I can be "normal". Normal people take it for granted I think, their health. It's with us every minute of every day. The side effects of treatment, the anxiety of the next scan and what it will reveal, the inability to make plans b/c you can never be sure if cancer will interfere.
I'm so grateful right now that I'm half way done with my six weeks of radiation. I've had to deal with the nausea and digestive issues, but I've not lost my energy. I told myself I would keep doing as much as I could do as long as I could, so maybe my mind is carrying my body through it all.
I pray for you to tackle your cancer and stop it, to rid your body of it's toxin and be healthy, to have the life and family you dream of. xoxo

Anonymous said...

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people."
- Randy Pausch

Anonymous said...

Someone said they were jealous of your cancer? What? People are stupid! So sorry.

The Astonishing FartMan said...

When I first read this post a few days ago it really got to me. I wanted to post a comment, but didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say, except that I think I understand what you mean about your friend who let you down.

That's maybe the worst thing about cancer--finding out that a friend or even a loved one has "limits" in the ability to empathize or even to sympathize. I had a friend like that. She was jealous because my illness might draw some attention from her own little everyday difficulties that she loved to tell everyone about, the little everyday problems which she always made sure were THE ONLY subject of every conversation in every social setting wherever she happenned to be. She's a flight attendant, and was staying at our house for a few days during an extended layover. The whole time she was staying with us, my flight attendant friend talked NON-STOP (no pun intended) about was how unfair it was that she couldn't get anyone in tech support to help her with problems she was having with her new cell phone. And her second big problem that she raved about was that the dry-cleaners had left some spots on one of her flight-attendant uniforms. After a couple of days of constantly hearing these and similar complaints, I guess I discovered the limits to my own ability to sympathize because I said to her, "You know, everybody's got problems, but if they would let me keep my dear wife and family and friends, I would be happy to trade my life and my problems for yours." She got furious, and accused me of "always throwing my cancer up in her face to try to make her feel guilty." But the truth was, while she was here, I mentioned my cancer maybe twice, because she never asked how I was doing. Even though I was in the middle of a chemo cycle at the time, I knew my illness made her uncomfortable so I just didn't bring it up. So when she accused me of "throwing my cancer up in her face," at first it made me angry, but then it just made me sad that someone who I thought was a friend would be so unfeeling. I began to see her in a whole new light, a truer light, and this truer light exposed how shallow and selfish she is and always was.

The truth is, even with cancer, I would not trade my life for hers. But I would rather to have kept my false perception about her. I suppose it's not that suprising that some people would have very strange reactions to our illnesses.

You and I and the other unfortunate souls share a kinship of suffering. The worst part of it isn't the physical misery or the anxiety about what the future holds; we can actually become somewhat accustomed to the pain and fear, and we have learned that somehow we can deal with those things. The worst suffering is a sad and hollowed-out feeling that comes from learning an unpleasant truth about someone we thought cared for us. That's what scares me the most. So we hang on for dear life to those who truly love us, and thank God that they will never let us go.

Michelle, I think of you often and think about what you're having to go through. Sometimes I say a little prayer for you when I go to sleep at night. "Dear God, Please take care of Michelle. Dear God, Please help us all." Your writing is so beautiful and honest. It makes me sob with tears streaming down my face and snot dripping off the end of my nose (and I get all stuffed up and get a headache!), but it also makes me feel better, too, It reminds me we are not alone. You're a blessing to the world.